Depression Understood Forums

I don't even really know where to start. I've been staring at the screen for about 2 hours just drawing a blank. I could write my whole life story but I don't feel like typing out 34,000 paragraphs would help. So I guess just a brief summary of who I am and my story.

I'm 28 years old and am in the US military. I am married with three kids. I live in Germany. I have deployed multiple times. I am going to college full time and stay pretty busy between volunteering to coach my kids teams and just being a parent.

Obviously this is a site for those who suffer from depression among other things. I am no different. I have been through a lot in my life (like most people have here) and most days it's hard to keep any type of positive look on the world around me. My relationship with my wife is complete shit. She is extremely emotionally abusive and our marriage is 100% one sided. Her actions are above reproach and everything that goes wrong is either mine or the kids fault. If I stopped working as hard as I do to make it work she would just let the distance happen and never do anything to fix it. I take a second place to her needs and wants 100% of the time. She stays at home with the kids. We have tried counseling and she refuses to go back. I'm on anti-depressents and have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. It sucks knowing that 99% of my depression is because of my relationship.

The biggest pain I have is knowing I would give it all for my wife. I love her so much but she is unwilling to really give me anything in return. Just constant disrespect. Sex is used as a tool to help her accomplish what she wants, if I dont do things that please her she simply withdraws.

And so here I am, trying to figure out what to do. I cry out desperately for any type of intimate connection with anyone. I'm not cheating or anything but I yearn for that intimate connection and being understood. Part of the reason why I joined this site was to meet like minded people. I love all things about women. It's like im addicted to just getting to know them. There is a certain power that a woman has that is quite addicting, much like a drug.

So yeah. I don't really know what to do with my life. Do I continue to live this life until someday I eventually die, and in so doing I never lived a fulfilled life? How do I make the step from jsut surviving and truly living? I don't know. either way I go its going to hurt like hell. I am a very comical person and am able to mask my emotions very easily. I hide my true self because I dont want to let anyone in. I can joke with the best of em and cheer other people up but when it comes to me it is hard for me to be truly genuinely happy. I have brief moments of happiness with my children but outside of that I feel extremely hopeless.

I have a lot of other things I struggle with in my life but I feel like if I could just figure out this relationshit thing everything else would just kinda fall into place. I don't know.

I thank you all for allowing me into your community. I look forward to getting to know you all more.

Hello,

Welcome
First of all well for posting(as I know you was scared).... I can't really say much as I've been talking to you for some weeks now over PM and we have devolped a lovely friendship

Anyway....
You are such a strong man and you are such inspiring to me, really you are. I know it's hard when you have such hard and horrible bad thoughts, but you CAN overcome them and it's good you keep yourself busy by going college and volunteering etc.. Well done for that

I know it's hard being in such a emtional abusive relationship....
There are people out there(Crisis hotlines) that are for men who are being abused, why not try one? They could be more helpful? As I don't know what to say....
It's hard.
Maybe you and your wife need a little "break"? So NOT dirvoce, just some time away and time out from seeing, speaking to each other, may help you sort out what you want from this marriage and what you want for yourself?

Keep strong,
Keep going for your lovely children love.
They need you.

(((Hugs)))

Hello nxalone,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Your post indicates that she is the problem. How long has she been treating you like this? Was it something you did to make her behave this way?

Initially I thought life is too short to be wasted on someone who doesn't care or love you anymore. If someone is dragging you down and not willing to work with you then you need to cut them off. I don't know what is the cause of this rift between you are, as we are only hearing your side of the story. I know you are trying to make things work but if she isn't pulling her side of the weight it will eventually come crashing down. We know what you want but maybe try asking her what does she want. Does she love you anymore? Why is she still with you? Does she want to be with you? Etc. You will have to ask some tough questions but also be prepared for answers that you may not want to hear.

Lots of couples stick together for the sake of their children or for financial reasons, but when both parents are suffering or are constantly fighting, that benefits no one. I think it is great that you haven't cheated or done anything to disrespect your wife or hurt you family, it is normal to want to seek for attention and affection elsewhere but not until you sort out this situation with your wife which I believe you are doing.

Taking the plunge is big step and so many things to think about before going for it, such as; can you live without her? Would life be better without her? Would she be happier without you? What if the grass isn't greener on the other side? How will the kids cope? Will I regret this?

If you believe there is a chance of things to change then keep fighting for it but don't always let her have her way (I really think you have spoilt her). Although I will admit that people like her are hard to change. If you know there is nothing you can do to make things better and the future looks bleak then it is time to face reality and let go. There are so many one sided relationships, love is a good thing so I don't understand why anyone has to suffer? Perhaps that is a sign that she isn't right for you, you're only 28 and if your wife doesn't love you then find someone who will.

Don't waste your time living with someone who doesn't even treat you like a human being, let alone a husband. Like you said in your 6th paragraph, you should start living, and not be stuck here waiting for death. To me you sound trapped, and perhaps she feels trapped with you. Sit down and have a good chat with her, don't let her walk away or start pulling any tricks on you. I say this because I used to act he way she does, if things didn't go my way or challenges me, I'll make them suffer for it.

So try this:

- Distance yourself (do this at the right time, probably after she insults you), no need to act pissed off but answer her with silence and if you really need to say something then give one word answers. This is giving her a taste of her own medicine. See if her attitude changes towards you.

- Don't give in to any of her demands. If she throws a fit, put your hand up as in 'stop' calmly but firmly say something like " That's enough" then walk away and don't let her start an argument. Let her know you will not be treated this way anymore.

She knows your weaknesses and is counting on you to give in before she does so don't. What you are doing is challenging her, and to grab some of that power back. It might take a week, a month or more depending on how stubborn she is. If she doesn't back down then that indicates that she doesn't care if you drift apart - this is different from before because previously she's the one who pulled away and is in total control of the situation. If you are doing it, see if she changes or if she even cares. If she doesn't then call in the lawyers.

- Let her know you're for real. She may or may not change when facing divorce papers. If she doesn't do something to save your marriage, then it was pretty much gone a long time ago and there is nothing to be saved. You can then both move on with your lives.

I know you still love her so this way although you are being cold but at the same time you are always giving her a chance. A chance to show you that she is worth fighting for.

I hope things work out but even if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. You got your whole life ahead of you.

Best of luck x

Ieris has some good points here.
I agree with everything she has suggested and said

Try them. I would

Hi nxalone

I was trying to think hard of what I wanted to say that I gave it a day after reading your initial post, and came back to read the replies and realized that Ieris said everything I thought of, and probably better.

So I will just tell you that we are here for you and you can talk to us while you are trying to sort things out.

This is a very good place and a bunch of caring people here.

Nxalone your situation is the same as mine, except I have 10 years on you. I am going to take the advice of the third poster (no offence intended for not using your name) and put my foot down. I cannot threaten divorce because we aren't married even after 17 years

Your men have rights!!
You can put your foot down and become happier and healither.

Just checking in nxalone. Throughout the time dating and then marrying my ex-wife, I think the thing I wanted the most, what was so nneeded and missing for me, was a partnership I could trust; a partnership I could be certain of. There really is no security in life but our best hope is in each other.

I think we found each other because we were both suffering. I don't think we could heal each other's wounds. But our best hope was talking and listening. And both of us had to be willing.

Thank you everyone for the replies. They mean a lot. You all hve a lot of wisdom. I'm grateful for you guys and for this community. Especially from you Ieris. You are absolutely right. She's been treating me like this since day 1. I'm still stuck on what to do but I will definitely take your advice. Thank you.

Hello nxalone,

Hope you are well, thanks for keeping us updated

It is a big decision so take your time, whether people agree or not is not relevant, do what feels right for you x