depression my story

[cabbskuxxx29]

I am 17.

family life: my parents are both workaholics! my mum has become a violent angry hysterical women due to a permanent back injury making her angry constantly. can not go 2 days without being abused mainly verbally. occasionally physiclay and she threatens to take her own life. my dad is a distant selfish man. hardly talks. when at home just sits and dreams. until he snaps. have pulled a knife.... to stop him from flipping and hurting the rest of my family.

my life was good and full of promise. when was younger has heaps of friends, was popular in top 4% for school and excelled in my chosen sports. Few years ago had a quite severe head injury.1 year off school. couldn't read or write couldn't read music either any more, had to learn how to walk properly and keep my balance like a baby. Im still not back to way i was. can not focus in school anymore not that it matters. i still get almost top marks without putting in effort and became the true class clown. had to have 2 extra teachers in my class to control me and my knew rebellious friends. now all these friends have left school while i remain. My sports are pointless now are plagued with injuries and there is my headache making them so challenging and not enjoyably, My best mate didnt leave school when all my other close friends first did. due to boredom, free reign from parents and family issues started drinking, smoking and experimenting with recreational drugs as were so much easier to obtain then alcohol. this kept becoming more and more frequent and amount increased. there was this ever progressing chain. first started drinking then drinking more then said atleast not doing weed, then weed and more and more while said least not smoking, next are smoking, next arnt doing any other drugs so on so on. I knew had to stop and i managed for awhile. he could not. he started hanging out with other people and putting drugs first including ahead of his girlfriend. when they had a major fight i supported her due to that we were no longer mates and they broke up. Her and I then became best mates and then she fell for me, just when he my best mate was starting to sort himself out. i choose him. then they got back together and was hell watching them. but didnt mind, then i do not know what happend but he was back into drugs and them before everything. they would fight everyday and everyday would see or could tell that she had been crying. i was only one who stood upto him.... thus we wernt mates any-more and he forbidden her from talking to me. this lasted for awhile untill she choose me as amate over the controlling paranoid selfish fukwit he had become. then days were good just us chilling no worrys and enjoyn life. then enivitabale happened we got together and happyness was gone. i just couldnt help but feel guilty as while i should of been having time of my life he was on suicide watch. and he blamed me. so began my own depression, became this cold distant lifeless person. seemed as this happened the more he got he got his life back together and won her back then the roles were switched i exaclty what he was. only difference he didnt care about me i didnt leave my room hardly for all of the summer as feared of disaparing back into drugs... when school i started to get myself back together. tho on first day was kicked out and sent to consulars. but i got through. drugs again. but managed to contol, jus needed the occasionly reality escape. i forgave her. and we were closer then ever. even wasnt with her had her to life for. he continued his cycle became a ungrateful selfish drug fuked angry manipulative... again. while he was this, i was there for her. hours everyday just talking. valentines day even ditched school and walked ido not know how far in a thunder storm to get many many roses... for her as he got her nothing as needed money for drugs later that day. when he found out i had death threats. him looking for me with a knife. ended when i broke 2 knucles and put him in hospital. this was it for her and they were finanly over he left. and me and here were left to be happy. the air became lighter again. but slowly she changed. she is most beautiful girl in the world. so was no supprise when she became a model. next all guys after her. she started hanging out with other people drinking every weekend i dont know how many one night stands. and she would come back to me crying saying she loved me everytime. i put up with his for ages far to long. she now has someone else simalar to before . hope thats what i had how i got through hope oneday she be mine again.

cant get through anymore, is no hope. the selfless beuitiful kind innocent girl. has been replaced. last time we spoke. her "im a selfish slut ino that, i know ive changed, idont care about others any-more just myself, only focus on makes me happy too tiring caring about and trying to please everyone im over it"

Only person in whole world that i love. she is only thing that has kept me going and made me able to ignore my other issues. know i just lie hear waiting for the sleep that never seems to come. my head going crazy with worries of the future, state of my head and body, a family and friends that do not longer care. as enjoy the simple chaotic bliss of this safe room i have made myself secluded from rest of world to spend another summer alone. with sole goal of making it through. i do plan to make it. it just requires so much energy and effort. i do not want life to end, just for life to never leave this room. here i am struggling buy just coping enough to live.

[CrazyLady17]

(((Big hugs)))

I'm 17 too! I know what it's like.

Warm welcome!

[Ieris]

Hi cabbskuxxx,

I think you are hanging out with the wrong people. You have stood by them and they have repaid your kindness with nothing but trouble. You have been loyal and forgiving towards them which they don't deserve. It's a shame that you have wasted so much time on these two, your friendship/relationship with them is what is dragging you down. No matter how much you care/love them let them go, your future will be brighter without them. I know you may think that is selfish but do something for yourself for once and not other people. Why do you want people in your life who treat you like a doormat and show you no respect? They may have been nice people once upon a time but they have changed, they are no longer the same people as when you first met them. If you want to move on with your life then firs you need to move away from them.

You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Yes you have made some bad decisions but now it's time to make some good ones. You seem like a smart guy, get good grades without too much effort. Focus on your studies, make friends with people who are positive and want to live a good life. It is so easy to make friends at your age, just be sure to make the right ones!

I know you want to stay in your room and escape from all the crap outside but not all is bad. You grow and become stronger through your experiences, and that's what helps you survive out there. By shutting yourself off to the world you will be missing out on so much. Your problems won't go away just because you close your eyes and can't see them, you have to go and find good things to replace them.

I hope things work out for you, all the best! x