The road from then to now (triggering)

[Alwayslost]

I am new here, and like so many I am lost. I think I probably always have been, hence the name I chose. I do not want to be lost. It's exhausting, it's painful, and it's so hard to try and interact with anyone on a close level anymore.

In short, my story starts when I was a child, and was molested by a stranger while my family and I were out of town. I hid this traumatic event even from myself for 20 some odd years before it resurfaced and haunted my every sleeping and most of my waking moments. When I went to a counselor and worked through it, I realized that it explained my feelings of alienation and walls that I had through all my teen years and much of my early 20's.

When I was in my mid 20's, I married a woman who was emotionally distant and cold. But since I was broken and didn't realize that, our marriage was a roller coaster ride of pain. It ended badly after ten years, and I spent the next four living on my own, not dating, just working and spending time at home with my room mates. In time I moved out of state, and within a few months met a woman and we started dating. Within a year we moved in together, made plans for the future, etc. But she was also emotionally abusive and a drug user. In our fourth year together, she became unemployed, and spent her time at home in front of the computer, smoking pot, and as I found out later doing harder drugs. We broke up, and I was living in the upstairs of our condo while preparing to find a place to live. One night she assaulted me after I got home from work, hurt my leg and the back of my head. I had to contact my employer at the time and request an immediate transfer halfway across the county, back home. Once there, she continued to harass me for months, ruining my life in many ways. Ultimately the drama she caused in my life stopped, but she did a so much damage to my ability to trust, as well as recurring pain in my leg and bad headaches for months, that I eventually felt on the edge of just giving it all up.
Now, I have been unemployed for the last year after my company downsized, no responses to the months of resumes I've sent out, and money about to run completely out. I don't have a lot of what I would call close accessible friends anymore, and no girlfriend or partner to provide any sort of emotional support. That has led me here, because every day I feel more and more like the light inside my soul is dying. I have walls that I don't even know how to begin breaking down. I have such a level of social anxiety that every time my one good friend I hang around suggests that I go out and meet people, etc, I get defensive to the point that I just want to run and hide. I am afraid to really show this weakness to my friend or anyone else, so I hide it best I can. I hide best I can. I make excuses. I become unreachable for days on end. And so exhausted of having to fight this war against myself every moment of every day of my life.

That's my story.

[CrazyLady17]

Don't have any words for you right now.
But I've read. I care and i am listening to you.
I really feel for you, I do!

Maybe doing some volunteering work might help you?
I have volunteered myself at a homeless shelter near me- I go 5 days a week for a few hours- gets me out of the house and doing something good for the community and myself.
Maybe something worth to consider?

(((Big hugs)))

And a warm welcome.

Keep posting if it helps.

[Ieris]

Relationships can have such a negative impact on our lives but it is all down to who you choose to be with. You have chosen 2 emotionally distant people, that to me seems intentional. Perhaps you don't like affection and with people who are cold they will keep their distance which may be why you went for them in the first place? Nothing wrong with closing off, not everyone is trust worthy so you have to protect yourself. Before you jump into a new relationship really think about what kind of person matches your personality and can give you want you want. Someone who can support you and you can support them, more of a balance. They're suppose to be your partner not a burden.

Sorry to hear about your job situation, it is disappointing when you don't hear back from companies but it isn't you, just bad economy. If there isn't work available in that area then you should consider going somewhere else where there is work. Don't stop sending out your résumé. I don't think your friend is trying t offend you when he/she suggests to go out and meet new people. It can be a positive thing because 1. Relationships (love) 2. Friends (company) 3. Networking (work). It is actually something you can do that helps deal with your problems.

You say you hide behind these walls you have built. What are you hiding? Why are you hiding? Who are you hiding from? What will happen if you are exposed? You don't need to answer these questions to me but answer to yourself, if you can answer those then you have identified the problem. Then you can start focusing on the solution. So much better than just feeling blue for no reason because that way you are just stabbing in the dark. But if you dig deep enough to find a solid problem then at least you know what you are dealing with.

I understand this daily battle with yourself issue. It is a bit like fighting with yourself mentally, you won't be winning the self battle anytime soon and as you have other problems in your life right now you should be focusing on the battles that you can win! x

[MyUnseenStarlight]

Welcome to the forums ( Big Hugs )

[TheConsciousWind]

What sort of being is it that must constantly overcome himself? And I ask this of all man, not you in particular. For it has been man's chore to do so for a very long time. What kind of being is it that needs self-control at all? The answer is the slave. All men are slave to another man's expectations, to another man's schedule, money, laws, borders, and dialectical divisions. So to feel lost, is merely to have some self-awareness. To feel depressed, is to have your mind tell you that it's fed up. Like a protection mechanism, it will make you immobile, and prevent you from going to work, because it recognizes YOU as king, as the temple which it is there to protect. And it sees fully the toxins that come from the world and the sacrifices of being a part of it. The inner battle is not one to be won, but one to be understood. You have a choice; the world or the self.