I have no idea what to do.

[LethalPanda]

I just registered, literally, a minute ago. The first thing I did was start this topic, because I just really need someone to care.

I recently realized that I'm falling into depression, and that terrifies me, because I was suicidal for years until I changed schools, made a wonderful group of friends, and started a different, more active life. I lost that life about a year ago.

The day I graduated from high school was the day everything started going downhill. That was the day I lost half of my friends and found out my mother was dying from cancer. Over the course of a year, I've gone through a bad break-up, I've been forced to drop out of college twice, I've lost my mother to cancer, and I've grown further and further from my friends (they've all gone off to college or are busy doing great things with their lives).

My life right now is...well, not really a life. I rarely leave the house, although that isn't because I don't want to. It's because I can't. I live in a city where it's practically impossible to go anywhere or do anything unless you have your own car, but I was too afraid to drive for a long time. Even though I desperately want to learn to drive now, I can't afford lessons. I don't have a job (I'm looking, but the job market is really bad, especially for someone with only a high school education who can't drive). I've lost interest in all the things I used to love, like art and playing piano and guitar and writing. I never have anyone to talk to, because I live with my dad and my brother; my dad is always at work, and my brother never wants to be around me. I never want to talk to the friends that, up until recently, I've managed to stay in touch with. When I do talk to them, all I can think about is how great things used to be. And when I try to talk to them about how upset and lonely I am, they usually don't seem to care. I think they've become desensitized to their depressed friend...

I am a Christian, but only barely. I still believe in God, and I still pray sometimes, but I've become too apathetic to do anything else like really worship and read the Bible. Everyone seems to worry that I've lost faith because I've stopped going to church. I haven't lost faith, I just can't get to church. Even if I could drive, I probably wouldn't go to my old church, because that's where my mother's service was held. I don't want to go there again.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I've lost everything I used to care about, I've lost every ounce of enjoyment I used to feel. I don't feel like killing myself, but really I don't feel like doing anything at all.

[PixieArmy]

Dear Panda,

Welcome to our community. I am very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine all the pain you went through losing your mom to such terrible illness. Also in a part of your life so crucial as going to college.

I can understand how everything seems gloomy, and you feeling disconnected from everything. How ever, if I understand correctly, you have already gone through a bad moment before, and managed to work through. What things helped you? What of that you could use now?

FInding our way back is hard, but you have done it, you know the way, you just need to find out how to get back on track.

Again, welcome and I wish you find here the support you need,

PixieArmy

[LethalPanda]

Dear PixieArmy,

Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it.

As for what I did to cope with my mom's death....I tried to talk to people, to try and find people to help me through it, but that mostly pushed more friends away. My friends had never gone through anything like that, and they didn't know what to do or how to help me. And I knew they didn't like me bringing it up, because it made them feel uncomfortable. So I stopped talking about it. I did everything I could not to think about it. And that's mostly what I do now. I'm not sure if I'm really coping, or if I will ever really get over it. Whenever I do start to think about it, I always end up crying and and I get in a really dark place for a while. I end up pushing the thoughts away again.

I've heard that a lot of people feel depressed around this time in their life, because there is so much changing and so much uncertainty. I've heard that it does get better. I hope that it does. That's all I hope for, is something better than this.

[fallen]

firstly i love the panda picture that is so cute !
secondly your mum would have wanted you to grieve , yes , but also to eventually get on with your life and shine.
take care
p.s i care and i am sorry for your loss.

[PixieArmy]

Dear Panda

I think you will find this community very helpful if you want to vent about your feelings and let your grieve out. We all have gone through losses, of different kinds, and no one here will get overwhelmed or try to shut you up. I understand about you pushing your friends away or the other way around. Death reminds us our own mortality and some folks don't handle that well. Maybe when you are feeling better you can reach out again, but I think its not healthy to force you in any way to smile, or to have a good time if you are not feeling up to it.

Things do get better. Takes time and work through it but they may. Are you getting therapy? I also found grieving groups very helpful, maybe you can find out if theres a church near by that offers them, if you feel comfortable with the religious part.

Hope you feel better.

PixieArmy

[Ieris]

Hi Panda,

I know you miss how your life was with your friends but things change, people take different paths and you have to learn to let go. If they are meant to be a friend, you will cross paths with them again in the future. Don't miss out on the things in front of you now by looking backwards all the time. Appreciate what you once had and never stop looking for new things that pleases you.

It is a shame that friends always expect you to listen to their problems but when you have a problem they simply don't want to know. Some people are tactless I guess and don't be upset about it. Friends play all sorts of roles so simply find the ones that like to listen and can give you useful advice. You have made friends before so you can definitely do it again.

If you don't want to do anything, that's fine, you've had a hard year. Let all that negativity get out of your system and then one morning when you wake up and you feel ready to start again, things will change from then. I know your post sounds quite sad and gloomy but behind those words I sense some positivity from you...

"Every body wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain"

You seem quite creative, I know you are looking for a job but while you are doing that, maybe think about how to make some money with your talents. You can sell art, write a best seller, write songs etc. aim high! figure out what you would like to do and then see what your options are x