Stuck in a rut and feeling hopeless

[Bluesunrise]

Hi, ive had a lot of misery in my life to date and ive always handled it pretty well and bounced back up but in the past 3 months after the death of another close family member ive really become a shadow of my former self and am finding no enjoyment in my life. I took an overdose once nothing really bad but it was very out of character for me.
Fast forward to now, its the weekend, a beautiful sunny day and even the thought of getting a shower or sorting anything out feels like the biggest task ever, my motivation is on a complete low, its affecting my life really badly, i feel like i cant escape this.. Even writing this seems such an effort for me i just dont seem to have the energy or will to do things any longer.

My biggest issue that seems to be getting me is my work situation

I've been going through a lot of stressful situations for the best part of the past two years, to give some background the first company I was working at went through a lot of trouble and unfortunately it has not been good for my professional reputation. I got a new job very quickly at a company with a high reputation but i've felt constantly judged from day one due to the issues with my last company and the bosses have mentioned / made reference to the last company a lot which has made me feel uncomfortable.

Fast forwarding ahead to now i've been in the current job for over a year and it has literally changed who I am as a person, has made me feel anxious, depressed, sad, down about everything, incapable of doing things even small tasks that before i was great at. I feel excluded from a lot of work streams and pigeon holed in my own little corner, which I hate. I've not had the chance to properly express who I am or fully utilise my skills and experience in the way that I need to the point of where i feel its deliberate. What has also not helped is that I'm quite a shy person until I get to know people, this makes me anxious/nervous and so everyday I literally feel ignored and unimportant in comparison to the bigger personalities.

The work place is very dog eat dog atmosphere and I literally cringe at some of the situations, its not been easy for me either in that i have not been properly introduced to some of the clients that im in contact with via email etc, ive taken that quite personally and its made my anxiety worse, the over-riding impression is that every time an opportunity for me to express myself or be who i am/ make myself known it gets stamped out by the behaviour of others and makes me feel inferior.

The workplace has a lot of politics going on and its overbearing at times, to top that i'm also not good at meeting people for the first time an so i get all stressed and worked up and I really have to put myself out there to say hello and get my voice across due to the bigger personalities. The place I work at just seems to have so much stigma attached to everything, there is a LOT of inter bickering over who does what etc even simple things and i find that so frustrating and it really has not helped my situation, being quite reserved i'm someone who never usually gets involved in these issues and just wants to get on with the work.

In terms of anxiety its got worse for me recently, one of the biggest problems im suffering at now is a lack of motivation to do any of the work, i'm just so down about it all and i feel isolated - i'm in a rut and i don't know how to get out of it. I also hate the social anxiety with people in the office, i say hello to everyone in the morning but overall i feel excluded from everything and i think people think i like to sit in my corner doing my work, but i actually would enjoy more interaction. At the same time my only option seems to be putting on a false face and being someone who i am now, eg loud and constantly talkative but even that would be weird since everyone knows me as the quiet person who is not really involved.

I'm looking for a new job but unfortunately i think its going to take me a lot of time to find a new one, so i was just looking for some advice on getting through this difficult time until i can get a new job. It would be great if others could share their experiences too as personally i've found it quite scary how a workplace can be so debilitating to me.

[Ieris]

Hello Bluesunrise,

Sorry for your loss, these things can be traumatizing and take much time to get over.

It is wise of you to not get involved with all the drama at work. Nothing wrong with skipping all the bitching and gossiping if that isn't who you are. People do that just to keep themselves entertained and there is no need to feel excluded if that it something you don't want to be involved in.

Some people strike up friendships at work but some just see each other as colleagues and never make any contact outside of work. At school, at work, at social events people play different roles and its down to personality. You say that you are quite shy, so doesn't necessarily come across as approachable. Instead of waiting for people to get to know you, why don't you take the first step and break the ice. See who you like in the office, see what they like and surprise them with something and you will become more memorable. It could be something simple like buying a coffee frappuccino or something they like for a colleague who has helped you with something or just for being awesome. People appreciate these kind little gestures.

I was going to suggest that you look for another place to work but it seems that you are onto that already Well I hope you find something suitable soon and get along better with your new colleagues! If you want to be in the loop, you have to take action and not sit in the corner. It really is down to you.

All the best!

[Frame]

OK Bluesunrise;

First; welcome to the site. I think you'll adding this to one of the things you do to get by will be a positive habit. What you learn about yourself and the situations of others is transferable to the rest of your life. I sense that your intelligent and probably educated. The fact that your dealing with clients and inter-company meetings means your part of a team and have some responsibility to operate independently as well as inter-dependently. I understand the stress; and I think some of my experiences may be familiar. I'll follow up with a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th response, but for now just know your not alone in this. My issues touch on time management and motivation, among other things, but not aptitude or insight. Sound at all familiar?

Thanks for your patience,
Frame

[Frame]

Second: I can relate in a big way to what your going through. To show you what I mean let me share a little of my life. I have struggled though a chemistry and two engineering degrees; yet I failed my high school english and history classes senior year (how I escaped later). I talked my way into the colleges and worked like the Devil. I put my muscle where my mouth is. Yet I crash and burn as easily as stepping out my door. I didn't know why; and all my family, all my teachers said I would grow out of it. So, I trusted and worked, and worked, and worked. It's not that I'm not smart. Sometimes, I work very smart. But I didn't grow out of it. In fact, all that hard work has served to bury whatever is going on in my head; making it a deeper part of me, covering it over with compensation techniques that make me look so competent, so professional, so reliable. Except when I'm not.

I worked as a development engineer before getting my first engineering degree, had three jobs as a development engineer, managed repairs at a hardware store, been an independent contractor, have my own business in art conservation,... Those are just the high lights but each own has somehow turned into a disaster. Not on the outside; my work has been top quality. Sure, their has been back biting and politics. And yes, I've been fired, but that's no disgrace. It happens. It's about distribution of human resources. But what is troubling is that in every instance, what every the situation, when I left, I was fed up, sick the the people, the job, everything. I look back and I'm disgusted and a bit shocked at my attitude. And I'm uneasy with the fact that it hasn't changed. My life is a history of this cycle; being thrilled with the challenge, working my ass off, doing great work, losing interest, losing motivation, getting discouraged and disorganized; then just wanting to get the Hell out of there.

Tell me if it makes sense.
I can stop if the pieces don't fit.