Well, here we go

[type0negative]

So, I'm not sure how I'll start this off, however, I guess I'll try. I'm tired of worrying about the future, when I doubt there will be one. I'm not sure I will finish high school, and I'm currently going to a vocational school as a last resort, and which, I lost motivation for after the second week? I hate getting up in the morning, though I do because I hope something amazing could happen that day, usually not however, and it gets old. I've been through so many schools already, because I just don't care. Now that I think about it, I've always been distracted about whats going on my head, rather than doing any work in academics. Sure, I guess the average person will brush this off as something easy to fix, but I just do not care. Everything is a pipe dream for me. I'm always making decisions I regret, because I don't think when I do it. People say I'm intelligent and that "I want to fix the world". I guess that's one of my problems. I'm constantly living life about what goes on around me, I want to better things for everybody around me, even if I'm dying inside. I write, I do photography, I play guitar, and people say I'm skilled at it. I don't think I really am, there's always people better than me. I suck with women, especially with the one who means the world to me. She's just my best friend, and I doubt that will last. I've fallen in love with her for a while, and have tried to go past that with her, she's not interested in that. Once again, I fail with women. This one hurts the most though, she's the most beautiful thing I've found in this world, inside and out. If we ever dated, I think I would finally be happy, and get on my feet. I've helped with some of her issues, which makes me feel better at least. She deserves all the happiness in the world. I don't think she will put up with me for that much longer, even though she says she'll always be there for me, always be my best friend, etc. I'm only on here because of her. After so many occasions of linking me hotlines and forums for depression, I finally just agreed, because I don't want to be a burden on someone I love so much. I've been suicidal so many times, and the idea has become fantasized and romanticized to me, which is just so wrong. I have problems with trust. I always think theres another side to something. I always think I'm being screwed over in some way. Especially on the topic of girls, I always think they'll just cheat on me or something, so why should I try anymore? I feel like a total loser and a creep for just writing this. I'm a musician, even though I've lost a lot of motivation for it, because it feels so hard to be original now, especially with my kind of music. I'm told I am an artist, which I guess I am. I'm addicted to photography, because I find something artistic in just the most simple things. I write, but I feel it's one sided, because it is always negative or nihilistic in some way. I've been applying for jobs, and to volunteer lately, no calls back, and the one call I did get-I missed. Of course, that one call, I don't have the motivation to call back. I don't want to make this too long, but I'm just going to say that I don't think many people like to be around me that much anymore. A good amount of people think I'm a druggie, since I went through a phase for a while of doing whatever drugs I could find, since I didn't care about tomorrow. So yeah, this is all I can think about for now. I'm sorry for it being so long. I just hope to wake up one day, and find everything to be better. No longer be such a miserable person. I feel bad for the people that put up with me. My best friend, who I put in awkward spots because of my feelings for her, my family, and those friends that seem to come and go all the time.

[MyUnseenStarlight]

My heart goes out to you and everything your going through. But please always remember as long as your heart is beating there will ALWAYS be a future.

Your not a loser or a creep for writing this. That's what places like this are for. To help you. And to help you realize in this great big world where things can be so difficult and unfair , you are never , ever alone.

One of the hardest thing in life is losing faith in yourself and in the world around you. But somehow , no matter how hard it is you have to believe in yourself. When all others in the world fail you , you always have yourself.

I feel frustrated because I wish there was some magic words I knew what to tell you to make everything okay.

All I know what to say is anything in this world is possible. Your dreams , your goals , your happiness. The most powerful thing is deep inside YOU. And you can do anything you want. Anything !!! As long as you don't give up.

Life can be amazing. You can go places and do things you never thought possible. You can rise above anything awful that tries to hold you down. Just please don't give up on yourself.

[MyUnseenStarlight]

Hi there - me again. I wanted to add something. There is a song I want you to listen to. It's by a guy called Travis Tritt and the name of the song is " I'm Gonna Be Somebody."

See if you can listen to it. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and really listen to the words. I think it will help you. It's about a boy who dreamed of being a musician and never gave up. Everyone thought he had no future and he proved them all wrong.

This can apply to being a musician , but not only that. It also apply's to ANYTHING in life you want to do but feel like your always held back.

Good luck. And please Take care always !! Star