I Need A Light Because I'm Lost In The Dark.

[Sonya The Depressed]

Where should i start? what should i write?

The important thing is, does anyone going to understand me?

I'm 13 and I don't even know its normal to be THAT depressed in these years...

My depression starts when i began 3rd grade.
I was a really shy girl, -I'm still a bit shy but not much like in old days- when i met a new person i always stand there say nothing and stare at the person. That what made me start my depression...people started to make fun of me because i was quiet and i cried everyday whenever i got home.
I felt lonely...like there wasn't any other shy people in the world...I was in bubble that filled with poisonous gas that killed me every day, my days turned gray, my life became meaningless...

My mom took me to therapy, it worked for a while then i started a new school and suddenly i started make friends.

My life was back to the colorfully days that I enjoyed and can't wait to go to school and meet my friends! Then i started 8th grade...this year.

My mother wanted to move to a more green place.

Then she found a place but it was 1 hour away from my school. I accepted anyway, i didn't want to make my mother sad.
This is when my life became hell. After we moved it became more and more harder every each day to go to school.

i never used a bus before, i never waked up so early.

My mom started to tell me i should start the school in front our house but I said no...how can I change my school after i spend 4 years of my life there?!

What about my friends?

What if i don't create new friends there?

I continue t go to my school for few weeks...Then i gave up.

I was waking up at 5 am!

I cried quietly few hours in my room that day. Then I told my mom i was gonna change schools.

In first week everyone was really nice to me and i said "maybe it won't be that bad"

In second week everyone started to stop giving attention to me. They barely talked to me and i felt a weird feeling...a feeling that hiding inside me for a long time.

It was the feelings of depression and loneliness...

I started to cry again every time i came from school, every time no one understanded me.

I had no body to tell how i felt...i have 2 masks now:

-The girl who is little bit rebellious and doesn't care about any body

-The girl that cries everyday and wants to yell and tell somebody how she feels. But can't.

I wear the first mask when ever i step on the school ground.

And when I came home i suddenly start to cry.

My loneliness is different now, I'm not feeling lonely because of my shyness. I don't have it anymore. I feel lonely because i feel like there's no one is going to understand me. I feel like i need someone that is going to brush my hair with his fingers and whisper my ear "it's going to be alright." When im crying.

I need some one that can make me feel i don't need my first mask and make me feel i can tell anything and everything that i feel.

I need someone can bring me light in this darkness called "life"

The thing i need is love.

So here i am, writing these sentences.

After I cried this noon i decided i should look in internet and then i found lots of sites and lots of people who feels same, it made me feel better...

Also I want to know is there any person has same feelings when in depression wave (that's what I call when you get into hysterical crying and lots of depressing thoughts fill your mind)

These are what I feel for all day:

I feel sad.

I feel like crying a lot.

I'm bored.

I feel alone.

I feel mad, like I could just explode!

I feel guilty.

I feel like I'm in a fog.

I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep.

I'm frustrated with everything and everybody.

I don’t have fun anymore.

I feel helpless.

I feel nervous.

I feel disorganized, like my head is spinning.

I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to work.

I don’t feel like talking anymore - I just don’t have anything to say.

I feel my life has no direction.

I feel life isn’t worth living.

My whole body feels slowed down - my speech, my walk, and my movements.

I don't want to go out with friends anymore.

I don't feel like taking care of my appearance.

Occasionally, my heart pounds, I can't catch my breath, and I feel tingly.

My vision feels strange and I feel I might pass out. The feeling passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.

I feel "different" from everyone else.

I smile, but inside I'm miserable.

I have difficulty falling asleep or I awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then I can't get back to sleep.

My appetite has diminished - food tastes so bland.

I have headaches.

I feel nauseous.

I'm dizzy.

Sometimes my vision seems blurred or slow.

If you feel like me and some of these happens to you everyday, please tell me. I have to know if there's people EXACTLY feels same.

Maybe we can help each other?

And maybe we can escape this prison called "depression"

Thank you for reading.

I'm out.

[MyUnseenStarlight]

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I felt like crying reading your post. In all my life I'll never understand why people are so cruel to others. It's hard to find words to say that will suddenly make everything okay. All I know what to say is your not alone in this fight. Your NEVER alone. Although I'm sure right now you feel very much alone. You've done the right thing coming here. Because places like this board open up a world of opportunity to find people that hurt just like you do. We can't erase all of the horrible things you've been through. But I can guarantee people on here do care. And anytime , day or night you need someone to listen , people here will. I'm new here myself and from what I seen , there are lots of caring people. Hang in there. Your beautiful. And you will always be beautiful , don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise. Sending you a BIG HUG !!

[fallen]

you are not alone .
take care