Depression Understood Forums

For over a year I have been dealing with provoking attacks from my own mother via text or facebook statuses. She has been very cruel and just plain mean when commenting on my statuses. When it comes to her own statuses she makes herself out to be the victim and says how awful of a daughter I am. I don't believe I have provoked her at all, but I have deleted most of her comments made on my statuses, which made her even more angry. The reason I kept her as a friend is because I had hope that she would come around and we could communicate and get things settled. That did not happen, so recently I just had enough and deleted her.
All my life this is how it was. Mom would get mad for some reason, raise some hell then all of a sudden decide she wanted back in my life, without an apology I might add, and I would let her back in. Why? Because she is mom. I am 41! I have had enough. This time I demanded communication to get things settled, so that whatever she was mad about would not get brought back up in 10 years. She declined claiming her pride would not let her. What the heck!
Her lack of love and compassion for me as a daughter has started a feeling within me that invades other parts of my life. I question if I am worthy of love from other people since my own mother does not love me. That's just the start of it. I have other issues, but I believe this is the root of all of my depression, insecurities, unworthiness, etc.....
Thanks for reading.

I'm really sorry to hear about that. Especially so many years after having left the nest, it must be frustrating to still not have these things settled.

I struggled (am struggling? I don't know. We're in a calm patch at the moment) with my mother as well. Different dynamics, though. I'm not a great example of actually doing anything about it, but a while ago I did some cursory Google searches and found that mother-daughter relationships are one of the most common of the horrendously complicated relationships in life. And often with some of the farthest-reaching emotional consequences.

(Of course I can't say they are worse than, for example, an abusive partner relationship, but they are more common and so they affect many more people.)

The upside of this being such a common dynamic to struggle with is that resources do exist. There are personal stories and even self-help workbooks to help people improve -- or simply let go of -- their unhealthy mother-daughter relationship.

Best wishes.

Hi Puck,
I never googled this sort of disfunctional relationship. I really didn't realize it was that common. I do however, treat my 2 daughters with the up most love and respect. Something I never had. I make a point to never cut off communication with my kids, like my mom did to me. I realize kids screw up, parents get mad. Sure, it's happened to me. But never can I treat my children the way my mother has treated me. It just does not compute. Thank you for the info.

I'm thinking I should have started with some bullet points to help with understanding my story:

- My mom, or lack there of since I was a toddler.
- Molestation starting when I was 4 by my uncles.
- Physical abuse when I was preteen by my aunt.
- Verbal and emotional abuse by my ex husband. Father of my girls.

Things that I survived (sort of) within these bullet points brings me with insecurities in my current relationship. He is a wonderful man. He knows my past. He loves me. Never gave me any reason to not trust him, but I have trouble with that.....a lot. I wonder sometimes how I deserve such a "good guy". My mind tortures me by making me wonder if other people are thinking the same. About 5 years ago I fell into this really dark hole concerning my relationship with this guy. I had myself convinced that he was flirting heavily with two other women. I was super jealous. I almost lost him. I sought counselling and was able to pull myself out. The poison that was coursing through my veins was gone finally. We were happy. Then recently, with the "mom" thing, I started to doubt my self worth of love.
Another huge life changer recently was my oldest daughter moved out on her own. Wow. I'm still struggling with that one. If I dwell on it too long, I choke up instantly. It's the letting go. I'm not worried about her not being able to take care of herself. She is a responsible young lady. I just miss her so much.
I think I may have overloaded you with info, but thanks for reading. I must say it does help just to write it down.