Depression and I have a long history. It started due to a series of incidents when I was a child and has never truly left me alone. The current round that I am enduring has been triggered by a long term relationship break up and that subsequent questioning of all things in life that we go through when such occurs.
I don't know what I am passionate about or believe in anymore, everything just feel hollow or perfunctory at best. I feel quite detached from what I thought I was before...
I feel almost like a blank slate; but one that has no idea what it wants carved there. All I feel is that this is boring, frustrating or upsetting. Even the relationship ending didn't actually hurt that much. The emotional abuse I've suffered at the hands of my former lover certainly has, but over all, I'm actually kinda secretly relieved the whole situation has run it's course.
However, I feel like the way I'm feeling right now is really NOT RIGHT. I'm actually kinda of terrified of going back to a psych (I saw one on and off for about three years ending about two years ago) because I'm kind of afraid that I'm going to be told I'm inherently flawed, as illogical as that is.
I have avoidant traits that are becoming problematic in terms of me moving on with my life (I need to move out to get away from my ex, but have nowhere to go) and the social anxiety in me is really not helping in that respect.
The anchoring points in my life right now are the two friends I still feel I can trust, my family members, music and some poorly chosen coping techniques... oh and my horribly boring but SAFE job. If not for those things, god knows what would happen. Actually, scratch that, I think god would even be perplexed at the anarchy in my head now.
*sigh*
Well, anyway, that's my little vomit. I'm a little drunk and stressed out so apologies for the weird cadence of my writing and all the kindas.
Thanks for reading.
