Trapped and needing some help

[lvmorgan]

I began typing on this forum because I've literally considered all my options, and I don't have anywhere else to be right now.

I've been having panic attacks all day today, and I'm quite exhausted, but without much energy to figure out what to do. The day started off fine, I was running errands in the morning, although I had woken up feeling like a car crash victim for some odd reason. A few hours later, it caught up to me, and I felt so faint and paranoid in the street that I rushed back home, and became quite ill and couldn't get up, it hurt to move, it hurt to cry, to everything.
Today, I realized it came back. Chronic anxiety and depression, triggered by a not so great situation that I'm in right now.

You see, I live by myself in a foreign city, due to a complicated story, but the bottom line is I have little to no real human contact recently, as I have just moved back after my visa expired in another country where I was happily studying and working. My family doesn't live here. They live back home. But I can't go home, because I first need to get my first job in a recession-struck country (the only one where I'm still legal), in order to get citizenship and thus validate my entry back into the country where I had been living so happily just a few months ago. Shitty, complicated, not worth going into any further.
I'm not American or English, but I don't want to discuss it right now.

But I had been happy so far. I had real friends, and an amazing city/school/internship going on. But it had a time limit, and I knew it. When my visa expired, I decided I was going to stay in a nearby country and fight for a way back in, legally. Because I wanted to be strong, and get a good quality life in the city where I'd made so many friends during my long exchange programme. But shit happens, and this is my third month of unemployment, after failing multiple attempts and the only 2 interviews I'd been able to get. Without a job, I move no further, and will be forced to move back home for good.

I miss home! I love my family, even though they're all weird. But I don't belong there, never did. The place itself drives me crazy.

The reason I've been failing miserably? I've been constantly fighting back depression every single day since the day I had to leave my good life. I've had severe anxiety for years, and it got out of control a couple times during college, but I was surrounded by such great people at the time that I made it through. This is the first time I have to go through the panic attacks, the failures and the sick days in my bed, by myself in my apartment, away from my friends and family.

The reason I started writing is, I don't want this. My body and mind have shut down again, and I'm not ready to throw it all away. I need some sort of help, but I'm unable to talk to anyone about it because nobody I trust is here with me, and I don't have the money to seek actual help, and you don't want me to go through the public health system in my current country, because for one thing, mental health is not considered an issue, and as a foreigner it is so awkward, and, DONE.

I did not choose to get struck by this thing that is now wasting my precious time. I scream quite a lot inside and out, but that doesn't seem to overpower the nightmare that is my depression. I tell it to stop. I've had similar attacks before when I was 17-19, so I know what they are. But now it's stronger and I'm in exile. Great news for me.

...help?
[/i]

[Frame]

Hello Ivmorgan; Welcome to the forum.

I'm not sure what I could do to help, beyond listen (read).
There are a bunch of practices I could recommend for dealing with stress. You'll find a few poking around here. There are many on the web. But you sound smart and independent and you've probably already proactively adopted many of these habits.

One thing I know many people let slide, who are under financial stress, is nutrition. I highly recommend that you invest in a good multivitamin supplement if you haven't already.

Is the area your in safe to walk around in? Just to be clear, your legal where you are now right? Is the the lack of human contact a language problem, safety problem, or agoraphobic problem?

You may be alone there, but your not alone here;
Frame

[MyUnseenStarlight]

Hi there. I know exactly how you feel. I don't have anywhere else to go either. And this message Board seems like such a nice place. My heart goes out you and your panic attacks. I'm sorry that you have to face such a hard , unfair time alone. But in a small way , your not alone at all. Because so many people go through them. I was so nervous to join this site. I still am. But hope with all my heart it can help you find some comfort and peace of mind. Life is gonna get better for you. Just hang in there and please know there are people like me that DO care a lot. Even if that sounds kinda silly coming from a stranger. I promise my fingers are crossed for you !! Good luck and Take care always

[Ieris]

Hi Ivmorgan,

It seems that your issue is with the visa since it expired. I am not sure which country you are in or where you are trying to go, however it is not uncommon for people to move back home while applying for a new visa.

I haven't applied for visas myself but I do have friends who have been in that situation. I know the situation isn't great, as there isn't enough jobs to go around at the moment so visas aren't easily granted. Have you considered other types of visas you can apply for? Also do you have any friends who can help you into their companies? As recommendations are usually good. I am not saying it is easy as many companies have the option of employing a local rather than applying for a working visa for an overseas employee which would cost them more money.

Either way the visa will take time, but does it have to happen now? Would going back home to work for a while and pick up more work experience be an option before applying again?

The problems aren't your own doing, there just rules and regulations that we need to follow. I hope things work out for you x