Depression Understood Forums

I had this amazing guy and I messed it up... I wrote a letter to him, hoping it will somewhat fix things. Can you guys please read it? I want to make sure it's not too depressing, or has some kind of guilt trip included in it. I have a victim complex and I am trying to leave it out. I changed the names.

Dear James,

I hope you are doing ok, and you don’t mind me at least getting you a birthday card.

I have been thinking a lot about you and life in general. This break up has opened my eyes up, and made me realize things about myself I can’t excuse. It wasn’t ok when I mistreated you; even if I know where the anger and resentment may come from… it is time to assume responsibility for my own actions.

I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I also don’t think you are a liar. I believe you meant it when you said you could most likely handle my moods, or that you would try to help me. I just think you weren't quite aware of the extent my past still plays a role in my life sometimes.

The thing that hurts the most about this is that I feel like I sabotaged myself, and our happiness. I can’t blame anyone but me about what happened. I understand why you broke up with me. I feel so stupid. I wish it hadn’t taken us breaking up for me to realize everything I have realized, but I think this way may have been the only way. I needed to lose something amazing in my life to realize I need help, and not just love wise. I need help to maintain healthy relationships in my life with everyone, including my daughter. I need help not letting my past win and control aspects of my present. I need help so that I can finally be happy, and free.

This realization also came from talking to a crisis line a few days ago. When talking about our break up, I told the girl that I had come to the conclusion that I was undeserving of love, and of having any kind of good relationship with anyone. I told her that this thought somehow comforted me… sort of like “you can’t be upset about not having what you shouldn’t have in the first place.” She said she understood, but that I was wrong. She said I was justifying the break up, and using an unhealthy coping mechanism. She said I was worthy of having someone love me and care about me, but that I just needed to work on my issues to make sure that I maintained healthy relationships with those around me.

I know I have a lot of things to work on… but I want to believe that I will be able to get there… I want to feel deserving of love, able to control my emotions. I want to have a good relationship with my daughter, and with everyone else around me. I want what you gave me. I crave it. I crave respect, and love, and stability. I want that for me, and for Hannah.

I have started going to therapy, and found a way to make new friends. There is this website called www.meetup.com and it’s full of groups of people that like to hike, talk about books, or whatever else. I think it will do me some good having social time. I also found an anger management group class I will be attending to learn coping mechanisms for when I am emotional or under a lot of stress.

I also talked to my mom. I told her I forgave her for everything. I am not sure if I totally meant it, but a part of me really wanted to. I think that is a start. What people say is actually starting to make sense: through my forgiveness of her, I will be able to forgive myself for my mistakes and move on.

Anyways… I wanted you to know that you are the best thing that has happened to me besides my daughter, and I feel like such a fool for letting my past and my moods get in the way of our happiness. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. Most of the times I don’t even realize how messed up I am being until after the fact, and then all that remains is a profound shame.

I don’t know if it is too late for us, or if you would ever want to deal with me again, but I want you to know that I love with you with my whole heart. I miss the almost magical connection we had, the electrifying feeling I had when you kissed me, and the current going down my spine when you touched me. I miss feeling your skin against my skin, and just laying down watching you. I feel like if you miss all of this, too… if you still love me… maybe we still have a chance.

I won’t lie and say that I will change overnight, because that just doesn’t happen… but maybe we can take it slow for a while. Maybe we can see each other for smaller dates. I would love to go hiking with you where we hiked our first time, by the beach. I would love to go to the beach with you, maybe just for a couple of hours… sit there and just talk about life, the way we used to. Maybe we could go have dinner one night, walk around the parks in downtown.

I want you to know that I will also understand it if you don’t want to give me any more chances. It breaks my heart, but I also don’t want you to be with me out of feeling guilty. I love you, and I want the best for you… even if you think that means not being with me.

You are an amazing and extraordinary person, James. Don’t ever change the way you are. You have truly inspired me to want something better for myself, and my life.

With very much love,

Esther

Your letter seems honest on a profound level. Highly reasonable.

Of course I cannot stand for much more than that because I know not of any intricate details regarding your relationship and your day to day experience with each other, right? However, like I said, your communication here gives the feel of being dominated by true honesty, and not dominated by the agenda of your ego or something like that. It seems highly reasonable to me. I hope he considers it.

I'm not sure that I am in a position to guide anyone in the repair of a relationship but I have two thoughts as I read it.

My second thought I feel more sure about. When I think about my parents talk of letter writing, they recall promises kept. They talk about long talks they had in person, but they recall letters of momentous meaning not length. This was in a time when people wrote letters all the time. So I think it's rather important that what ever things you say you are doing or will do, that you make very sure they get done. If you don't, at first, get a response from him it is possible he's holding back to see if changes you make stay changed. The letter is a record he can check as life goes on.

My first thought is that it seems long. (Remember, [what do I know?], but) if some of those things are things your trying to do you may want to mention them at a later date when it's easy to see the results. Also I wonder if some things might be better said in person. If the function of the letter is to see him again; then what things are essential to bring you together, what things might worry him, and what things are better said in person?

In a way it sounds like an amends letter because you are owning your behavior and making the changes for yourself to be a better person.

The best way he can see that you mean what you say is if you follow through. Good for you to do that, good for your daughter and if he reenters the picture it could be good for him too.

My thought with relationships is to leave a lot of it to God. I don't know if you believe in a higher power or not, but it helps as so much in life is out of our personal control and for me believing in a caring God who will be there for me when everything else goes away is comforting.

Remember, when it comes to a letter like this you need to realize you are only responsible for the effort, not the outcome.

Be proud of yourself for taking the pain of this break up and using it to make yourself a better person. About THAT all I can say is "WOW! Way to go."

"This Lord or something better," I said to myself a lot and I've been with my something better for 25 years.