Depression Understood Forums

Hi all,

I thought I would throw together some words about my own situation after stumbling upon this site and making a few posts for others.

I go to a private Christian university, and am a 21 year old entrepreneur who has a lot of interests. I program software, I love statistics, I'm a good gamer, and I would like to think of myself as a good friend.

When I was a freshman here, my best friend from about the ages of 13 onward, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and passed away just a year after diagnosis.

It really changed my worldview to watch friendships unfold, conclusions be drawn, and people to justify certain aspects of his life in his passing. Even things as much as "J--- was a blessing to this world, and God wanted to protect him from it..." Out of the mouth of my old pastor etc. (btw - I left that church within six months of hearing that).

Anyway, I take economics courses to learn more about poverty and how I can help, since programming has brought me financial freedom etc.

My current frustrations are from the fact I am living at a school of self centered ignoramuses who choose themselves in every equation. People here do not understand pain, and they choose ignorance over understanding all too often.

I am a senior and I want to drop out, save the fact my close professors, whom I know well, are encouraging me to stay for seven more months. But having lived through my friend's cancer, I understand what one can do in seven months - I understand that perhaps my time is being wasted here.

It's mostly a conflict of interest - do I respect my professors and fellow students by waiting it out?

I could not care less about the degree - what are degrees anyway but a symbol of systematic repetition designed to articulate our ability to follow instructions. In case you didn't notice, I struggle with authority quite a bit when I disagree with it. I don't do drugs or alcohol or crime , but I am always questioning leaders and self proclaimed autocrats.

I like to believe people could run themselves more efficiently if there was more proper education. I think it's so sad that we live in a world where men and women are cultured so differently, that men exhibit assault because they lack self control, that women shy from engineering and fancy crafts and such just because they were raised that way.

It burdens my heart that we live in a world of imbalance every day, and that so many people just live every day like nothing is going on.

Am I messed up? Why don't people value their own time, or even the time of others? Why are people so selfish, and why does it make me so sad?

I'm currently writing an application with hopes of making money to donate to charity. I just want to help people. Why aren't there more people like me? I can't even find a girl who has my interests - I stopped bothering with dating after being with crazy girls and selfish ones, neither of which understood me on a technical level.

Am I just too different to find settlement? I wish google had all of life's questions mapped out. Because I am one curious cat.

Also, thanks so much for your time and effort in reading this long, drawn out , self centered message. I just feel so burdened with sadness - not depression - but compassion and pity that people will simply never understand. It really does remove my smile when I witness discrimination etc. - and I try to be quite happy...

Thanks again,


Regards,
JD

Hi JD;

It sounds like you have a strong and enlightened soul. I too do a lot of searching, and have concluded that depression is a natural reaction to stress. Stress is an essential part of life and growth. Stress densifies and strengthens whatever it puts under pressure; as long as it's not stressed to the breaking point. Chronic stress however leads to fatigue and chronic emotional stress leads to chronic depression.

It sounds like, two years on, your dealing with your friends death in positive ways. Posting here is certainly one of them. Thank you. I do wonder though, whether college life as allowed you the time you need to grieve fully. I only mention this as a point to ponder. Parts of my own self agree with your valuation of a degree. Many matriculate programs, though, require the last few months to put the last three and a half years into perspective.

That is not to say you couldn't benefit from a break. And I share your tension with traditional authority but I hope that you treat your professors with the respect that will allow you to pick back up and run the ball all the way, should you feel inclined later.

In any case, your eagerness to help the world, I believe, is something that you an the universe will benefit from. Thanks for your responses.

Frame

Hi,
I'm inclined to believe that it's not necessarily how long we live, but what we do with our time allotted.

With one example, I'll try to touch upon a valid point. As individuals, we affect more lives just in crossing, than we even know. Here is an idea, for instance...

Let's say that a man loses his wife of twenty years to some deadly illness. He has no one with whom to confide in, and he's completely alone in the grieving process. For days, hes on the brink of suicide, and he doesn't have a soul to confide in; The only one he had in this world was his wife
, and she's no longer his voice of reassurance to say, "All is going to be alright."
This man sets all of his affairs in order, planning to take his life this night. But, prior to this, he decides to drive up to a convenience store to purchase a bottle of 'liquid courage.'
Little does he realize it's too late to buy alcohol. Not only is he depressed, but he's now growing weary and irritable. He gazes around at cold and distant customers, whose main focus is how long they've been standing in line. So, surprised he is, when a friendly young man motions for him to go first.
This is probably the kindest person I've ran across, ever since the funeral, he ponders silently.
His thought is soon interrupted by the cashier. "Sir, your coffee has been paid for."
"By who?" inquires the man whose wife recently passed...
The clerk responds, "It was covered by the man who let you go ahead of him. He left in a hurry and purchased nothing except for your coffee. He hadn't not the time to pay for but one item...your coffee."
Bewildered by the kindness of a stranger, caused him to reflect upon his wife yet again. Her last random act of kindness was to buy coffee for a stranger!
Could this somehow, in some way, be a sign that his wife's spirit was near him?
With a comfort he hadn't known since his wife's death, he returned home with a newfound sense of hope to live.

I wrote this for anyone out there who needs to know that something so simple can affect so much. Never

Never, never underestimate.

Note to readers of above post: It's hard to make corrections and to revise a story via cellphone. Please overlook my mistakes.

Thanks for your response, Frame. Sometimes I wonder if I know how to properly grieve. It's just never something I was good at. That really does help though, that perhaps I am using business to avoid grievance.

Thank you for your response also, 4ever. It really makes me wonder what forces are at play in the crucial times of decision making.

I really appreciate the words, guys. Sometimes I just feel like nobody gets me, and I don't want to burden anyone with what tears at my heart every day. Even to roommates, it's just too hard to explain in a realistic, heart felt way that actually shows how dissatisfied I am with a lot of variables in my life.

But, variables will be variables. There's only so much one can control, I guess.


Thanks for your time,
Dero

I hope your keeping a journal Jdero;
When ever someone talks are a struggling heart, I thinks that these are things worth examining in prose, fiction, poetry, or any creative expression. Doing it here would be great, where others can benefit. But in any case expressing what the heart is whispering is , I think, good for the soul and good for the world.