Depression Understood Forums

Hello all,

I feel so tired, tired even to write but I need it all out.

Life has been a mess.

The only thing I did for the last couple of months is work and nothing but work. In fact, I haven't done anything else much since my studies and work.

I'd think of myself as slightly autistic? It is hard for me to look at people in the eye when communicating but I've forced myself to because it is only socially acceptable when I do so. Maybe I've mistaken myself with autism over introversion. I read a lot on behaviourism - what not to do and what to do, what is unacceptable and what is favoured. I am fully aware of my own actions. I custom myself to be less of a weird social outcast.

Most of the time I'd rather spend time alone, charging and conserving energy, closeted in my own room than going out to mix with friends. I get tired easily; too much talking or too much group activities exhaust me, the outburst of sensory overload just consumes me. I'll handle situation properly, chatting and laughing as and when necessary but I do not enjoy it as how my peers or colleagues do. I'm not the silent dumb type of person, I occasionally love to chat and hang out with friends, have outdoor activities, I even enjoy giving presentations, (but) most of the time, I feel like hiding away from everyone (double buts) when I do, I feel like I am all alone.

Envy those extroverted social butterflies.

I do not drink, I do not gamble, I do not smoke, I do not party, I do not club, I do not eat meat. What a party pooper. I realize all these, but I just don't do them.

There are children in this forum, so to add to this subtly, I'd just say that my orientation is also different. I have a closeted same gender preference. This does not mean to incite hate; if there is a need to throw judgmental opinion, save your time. Go post somewhere else. There isn't a need to rub salt to the wound. There are more than enough gruesome haters out there trying to eliminate people like us and many avoid and shun us by all means. The so called "man/men of god" will want to talk us out of our "sin" and cleanse us. Not to forget many self proclaimed social psychologist will want to correct this social disorder et cetera coupled with fear of societal rejection and fear of disappointment from family and friends. What I am trying to say is that these adds to the burden that I am lifting. Suggesting that I find friends from the same circle is not very practical as well- I don't enjoy meeting people very often.

So, is it autism, antisocial, introversion, depression, or fear of public discrimination?

I even thought of finding a partner- with hopes that it might change the course of my life to the better. It is impossible to keep up, I cannot carry on with the chats and it is tiring to keep the flame going, things die down, it gets boring and silence follow. More so is that I have long working hours and when I have time, I'd rather rest or imagine myself flying away into the wilderness and nothingness. To aggravate the situation, I am unable to let go of the person I used to love a couple of years ago whom I met since high school.

I don't know what my question is, but hopefully someone can get the gist of the situation and problem and I anticipate a kind soul would understand and help me step out from this shell that is killing me slowly.

below are some of the things I thought of in the past:-

#1 "I wish there is a bottomless cliff higher than the heavens where I can leave all problems, stress, work, desires, feelings, phones, laptops, electronics, happiness, sadness and everything behind, take a deep breath and plunge into a never ending free fall into emptiness, bliss and liberation. Then I'll enter into a moment of silence, only the sound of blowing wind, complete whiteness of clouds, my mind is empty and in peace. I close my eyes."

#2 "I cannot help but intensely feel like packing and set off working all over in different parts of the world. Be it being a waiter, barrista, bell boy, housekeeper, anything. It will be exhausting, but it will be a break free and I will be able to live a life full of colours with different memories and feeling; an experience I will carry till old age.

To be able to plunge into the amber sands of the great sahara, breathe the himalayan air, teach in afrika, run endlessly on the mongul grasslands, explore the ascension island, pick grapes and ferment my own wine, tap the best arabian frankincense, live in chortens, ride a boring bus across picturesque ascension island or romanian-bulgarian forests, celebrate holi and get completely covered in colour, learn new cultures, be a part of restoration and conservation team at Angkor Wat. Scrape off the posh hotels or high rollers stuff. It doesn't have to be grand, just a year filled fully with what I call life.

Routines, electronics and living a so called Asian defined 'successful' life just makes me think there should be more to this life than just a well painted route."

25 years of age
Male
Only child

(THANK YOU for reading and appreciate a reply or two)

Adrian

firstly the people are kind on here . it sounds you are very tired and you need a break. as far as what you are suffering from it could be that you are just sad, feeling alone, wanting a connection with another human being .
your last points are beautifully written and it sounds that you have already made the decision in your mind that, that is what you really want to do.
i would just do it, go to all these places and breath some himalayan air, trek across the andes, life is for living , to experience.
take care

I do not know of this would be any help to you but I'll throw it out there.
Have you ever read up on "Intrinsic motivation" ?

#2 Makes me think of that.