Circus Clowns and Lunatics and Me (Not neccesarily in that..

[Frame]

This story is not about my daughter. When my daughter was in kindergarten she took a class trip to circus. I went along as a parent monitor, big arena, swirling crowds, very noisy, exciting. One of the children I oversaw was a little boy Peter, very bright and self confident. At one point we took them all to the bathroom and Peter got lost somehow, wandered off or something; I was traumatized not just because he was my charge but I would have been terrified at his age. When I finally found him he was just calmly waiting in one spot (just like their supposed to do) not a care in the world.

This story is not about Peter. I remember Peter partly because he impressed me as someone with the self presence to make it where he wanted to go, but also because I remember helping he and his mother, one night, leave his abusive father. I see Peter every now and then, walk by him, see him on the bus; I don't think he recognizes me almost twenty years later. I haven't seen his mother in almost that long; I think she moved away. But I do see his father, a lawyer in town. We never actually met; I'm sure he doesn't recognize me. Every few weeks I walk by him.

This story is really about he and me. Two people about the same age, much the same life: one kid, one wife, divorced, scraping by in the city. So I've never met him but I feel pretty confident that he's not like me in important ways; almost no one near is like me in important ways. You know what I'm talking about, we don't fit in. If he works in a law firm, he at least fits in that much (Much more than me). Here's the thing; people say I look much younger than my age, they say and I know I'm in good shape. Well, he looks horrible, much older than his age. I walked by him today. Sure, we both have too much on our minds, but his worries are pulling him under.

OK, maybe this story is really only about me. You see, I saw Peter's father crossing the street today, just after I had delivered some art work to a client. A good client, solid, and it was good work; I had done a nice job, the margin was high. And of course you have to do the work to get payed, Right? Mission accomplished. Why do I look so good and feel so bad? Why, upon delivering good work to a happy customer, do I immediately sink into a pit of darkness and despair. Why, when I pass by someone who could be me, but is burning his fuse much faster, why can't I feel like I'm doing something right? No, instead I want to run away screaming, "Please don't make me do this anymore!!!". I'm a lunatic!

I guess it doesn't matter anyway. They won't let me even try much longer. But I do wonder; giving up every day, I get so much less done, but I wonder if it keeps me younger, healthier.

P.S. I guess I'm actually a sunatic. I don't even like looking at the moon.

[Frame]

I have to admit, I think I have an answer. I just had a customer come by; the best kind, the kind that trusts me, likes my work, don't care, doesn't want or need to know the price. "Just do want you've done in the past." She has a house full of my work. I almost had a heart attack.

When I grew up no one trusted me. My life was about disappointing people. It wasn't what I wanted, but I came to live the life of someone who never measured up. That's what I'm comfortable with. This idea of people trusting me with valuable property, happy with what I do, I will never get used to it. Add to that; never in my life could I afford to pay what I charge for this work. It's not that I'm getting rich. I'm loosing my shirt. But that's what the going rate is. It's insane. I'm worth their trust and I'm worth what they pay, but I will never feel that way in side. I need to go find a cow farm where I can shovel manure.

[4EverMe]

Aww. Frame,
You're worth more than you know...And just so you know, you helped save my life. This is huge to me. I would add a happy face but just bought a smart phone, and it will be a while until I'm smart enough to figure all this out.
I hope you're having a decent day.

[Frame]

I'm so sad. So sad. I'm really trying.
I'm working more on myself, what's really supposed to count. I'm working more steadily than ever on my art, I've read so deeply in the last couple years. I feel like I've done so much and it all feels so empty. "Do what brings you joy", every time I apply that credo I get a little less joy from my world. This is ridiculous; as ridiculous as it sounds.

I'm worried. My will is grinding to a halt. I haven't jumped the track but I can feel that coming.

[Frame]

I need slack. I need some slack. Something has always driven me (I feel like I'm regressing now). Throughout my life I have been driven from inside to let everything go. I don't want to get up. I don't want to bathe. I don't want to go out or eat anything. I just want to work on my art. It's like one thing or the other falls apart; my life or my art.

I know it may just be an excuse. At least that's what I've been taught by my left brained family. Of course there are a world of folks out there who have encouraged my left brained activities, including (later in life) my own father the professor. But what if I focus, focus, focus, and work three times as hard to make my business work. What if they (expletive deleted) me anyway. Then what have I got.

AND, ever since I've been working with other photographers I've come to value my own work more. I've learning and refining. About a year ago, I started telling myself I better think about backing up my digital work. About two months ago, I bought 200GB worth of burnable DVDs (on sale). Yesterday, my computer started telling my hard drive is in eminent danger of failure. So I backing up. I mean,I've been praying every day. If this isn't a sign then what is it. Of course it's a pretty foggy road map.

[Frame]

But it reminds me of a story about faith. Another one by Jack Kornfield. A huge rain storm comes to town and the town is being evacuated. The town starts flooding. Neighbors come a to house to an old man with a life raft and he refuses to leave. "I have faith" he says, "God will take care of me". So the rain continues. his house floods. He climbs to the second floor and a row boat comes by, rescue team telling him to get in. He replies "No thanks, I have faith. God will take care of me". Row boat leaves; rain continues; he climbs to his roof. A helicopter comes by. "Climb up" they say. "No thanks, I have faith" he says, "God will save me".

So the rain continues and he drowns.

He rises to heaven and has his entrance interview with God. He says to God; "I led a good life; prayed every day; had deep faith. Where were you. I don't know what happened." And God says; "I don't know what happened either; I sent you two row boats and a helicopter."

I think sometimes it's so hard to see the signs through the signs.

[Frame]

Thing about slack though; the more you get, the more it hurts when when the slack gets pulled up.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to say. What I need is motivation. I must have it. Give it to me. Motivation doesn't come with a sign from God, does it? Or, does it? Energy and motivation; it's out there somewhere waiting for me. And clarity; gimme that too. Give it to me. I'm a big boy. I know how to use it. Lightning has been known to strike twice but I haven't even gotten my fare share yet.

[Frame]

OK, so that was motivating; or not. Just have a visit from my business landlord. The bitter sweet news is I gotta go. The sweet is, I'm so sick of trying to make my life work, that any change is good. The bitter of course is what to do now? And worse, how to do it? If I had plan it would e done by now. I have no savings, no assets to speak of, no exit strategy.

Guess I should grow up. I've been whining about it for months. We all knew it would happen. I feel like I'm in a Dickens Novel.

[Alaska1958]

Sorry about that frame. I know you're sick of it, but going through this door is hard in and of itself. I've got a notice to pick up a certified letter about a court date (I think), a door I'mddreading going through.

[Elysium]

You seem to have great spirit, Frame. You've been helping others here on the forums with your insights constantly. I recognize a strive in you to approach profound human interaction, putting vast amounts of energy into this. Coming from the same kind of default state myself, I know this can be a curse and a blessing.

Maybe this is not aspects that you intended to address in this thread, but I did so anyway because it seemed logical to me. Sorry for any inconvenience. =)

Based on my own experience I will try to share some insight into what might be helpful or useful or whatever. Like I said, I am not directly addressing your specific life situation here, but rather your natural state of relating to life and what you put your energy into etc.

Anyways, that helpful insight that I was supposed to share. Right... So:
Relax. Deeply. If you feel lost or left with little strength or confused or depressed or whatever, try to come to a complete stop. Stop grinding your cogs, relax back into yourself. Your brain will not like this because it wants to be constantly moving. Your soul will like it because its the phenomena of surrendering yourself back to exsistance itself.

That's disappointing advice, isn't it? I bet your head's like:
"I know that, it's not helpful!"
or
"That sounds well and all, but it doesn't actually address this in a practical sense that can be directly applied to my life"
aka.
"I don’t know what you’re talking about, as a real practical experience that is"
aka.
"It's not that simple!"
or something along those lines. Maybe you think that way, I don't know how my words resonates with you.

So, before I continue with my babble, does the approach I'm using here feel relatable or meaningful or whatever; does it resonate in some way? Or is this kind of post not helpful to you right now? Is it anything in this post that you would like to discuss further or should I just drop this entirely?

[Frame]

To Alaska and Elysium, Thank you so much for your responses.

To Alaska; Funny (not really) I got a certified letter today too. This one wasn't so bad though. The IRS re-computed my taxes and I owe $70 and change. Here's hoping for you.

To Elysium; That was totally helpful. It's the kind of advice that, A) is solid and really does work B) is the sort of advice I like to hear and it's so much easier to take someone else's advice than my own. I've done meditation on and off for years. It's like charging a battery. You have to keep doing it to keep the battery charged for when you need it. Just reading made feel better. We all do have a center (sounds kind of hippie-ish) where we feel our best. The world keeps us constantly off center. We need to focus to re-center.

[Elysium]

To Elysium; That was totally helpful. It's the kind of advice that, A) is solid and really does work B) is the sort of advice I like to hear and it's so much easier to take someone else's advice than my own. I've done meditation on and off for years. It's like charging a battery. You have to keep doing it to keep the battery charged for when you need it. Just reading made feel better. We all do have a center (sounds kind of hippie-ish) where we feel our best. The world keeps us constantly off center. We need to focus to re-center.

I'm really glad you could relate because then communication like this can be somewhat meaningful, right? =)

I'm going to give you an example in the area of meditation that worked for me because, hey, I want to enforce my identity down other people's throats, right? (;
So for me this following particular approach is what has been "the most useful" or "what resonated on a deeper" level in regards to meditation:

search vimeo for "Adyashanti - True Meditation"

I don't know what works for you but I just thought I'd follow-up and share that particular approach. You know; when we can identify something in particular that has helped ourselves towards insight or happiness or whatever then we tend to be biased to that particular aspect of life; we want everybody else to be helped in the same way to gain the same kind of insight because we can feel the benefits, right? So that's what I'm doing to you here in case you were wondering. ^_^

Anyway, I also really hope that your life situation will improve, you know, in a more direct way also. If I had found a way to express myself through art or whatever and if that expression felt meaningful to me, I would not give it up even if it would be really hard to make money from it. But also I cannot say for certain because, again, my understanding of your particular situation is not as practical and direct as it is for you (duh); I'm mostly working with theory here.

Also I don't want to be that guy coming here preaching good sounding theory all over and then you're still left in a shitty practical experience without being able to relate. So, what I mean by that is just that I deeply hope that you will find practical resolution. In a real and profound way that is; on your own authority and in your own daily experience.

[Frame]

Thanks, Elysium,for your humility and your information. Don't worry about preaching here. This is also a good place to practice communication skills. I do a fare amount of my own peaching; looking for the right words. We all get to make mistakes. I look at the video.

[Frame]

I'm not going to make it. I just can't. I can't. I have nothing.
I'm and empty shell. Cracking.

[4EverMe]

You WILL make it, Frame. If I did it, you can do it. I have faith in you, that even when things are at their worst, you'll somehow pull through it.
Please take it one day at a time.
One moment at a time...

You know that I understand major transition. Well, you know the last one that I sure hated! But, I did make it when the odds were stacked against me. You will too, and after you've transitioned, you'll feel SO much lighter! Some of that weight and worry will have fled. I know you can do this, Frame. You are stronger than you believe.