My father is a vindictive little child

[failmenot]

I was trying to use the chat room but it didn't work so I'll try this instead.

About me: 28yrs old, 1.5months away from graduating from medical school, female, loner
My sister: 25yrs old, pharmacist

I may have a possible Schizoid personality or Avoidant personality disorder. I have no real desire to make friends, but I do want a relationship and children. Never talked to a psychiatrist so it's just me self-diagnosing.

My father is just an immature, vindictive little man. He behaved like a 9year old when I was a 9year old & continues to do the same things today. He used to berate me as a kid - called me the devil, pig, animal, if you can think of a horrible name, he's said it to me. He also used to throw my books out of the house. Does a mature human being do this?

He continued to berate me all throughout my life (the last 20yrs, atleast). It wasn't always bad but when he gets angry, he gets incredibly verbally abusive. He's never seriously physically threatened me although he did pull a knife out on me once (he wouldn't use it).

I got the worst part of it but he was terrible to my sister. She also doesn't think of him as a parent. When she was 12yrs old, he told her she was responsible for him losing his job. (He actually lost his job because he was too arrogant and didn't want to staple a paper when he was asked to by his boss).

Here's probably the straw that broke the camel's back: my father and I were on a road trip and I was driving at 78mph on a 70mph road at dusk. He started yelling at me to go slower and I ignored him 'cus I was staying with traffic and there was nothing unsafe about my driving. Then he said he was going to jump out of the car and opened the car door and made every motion that he was going to throw himself out. When I didn't respond, he closed the door and started berating me again.

Honestly, someone who can put myself and himself in danger like that isn't someone I want in my life.

Unfortunately, my mother will not leave him (he's verbally abusive to her as well). And I've told her I don't want him in my life and she says ok but now he pumps her for information about me.

I can't help but hate this man with every part of my being. I want him gone from my life forever. So now, if he ever talks to me I'm verbally abusive and throw back the same language he used on me right back at him. This has only happened once and he was shocked but I told him that it shouldn't surprise him because I learned every one of those words from him and if he didn't want me to know those words so well, he shouldn't have used them since I was a kid.

Then he told me I deserve bad things in life. Honestly, I don't agree. I'm not abusive towards other people - I'm nice to my mother and my sister. I'm even nice to my sister's boyfriend.

My sister thinks I'm overly sensitive about things - and it's true. I am sensitive. But my dad has eaten away so much at my confidence that I can't help but second guess everything. So how do I begin to build myself back up from this place?

[fallen]

it is not good to self diagnose what you think you suffer from, as a medical student you would no this more than most.
your father is a coward a bully and a obvious control freak. your fathers patterning is to steal your power to make him feel good. we unfortunately are not born into perfect families, my advice is to try and resolve your differences and if you can not you have to walk away from the situation and not see him again, but making sure that you see and speak to your mother, alone without him around, as you seem to be still fond of her.
my wife had a father like that, a know it all, arrogant etc.. he turned out to be gay, financially incompetent, and fraudulent .
the question you have to ask your self is if you walk away and stop this negative relationship with your father,and he died[as that is what happened to my wife s father] will you feel that you missed out on something.
your father feels like a loser in life therefore he takes it out on you because you are not. stay strong .
take care

[4EverMe]

Definately, fallen, I've nothing to add...What you said was well thought out, beautifully written, and I know conveyed by experience, fallen.

[failmenot]

Thanks for the reply guys.

I had stopped talking to my father all of 2012 and it was good. I felt a lot of stress evaporate from my life.

But my mother would tell me how he'd sit by the telephone waiting for my phone call. My sister also told me to try to talk to him because he really wanted to talk to me. So I felt guilty and started talking to him in 2013 and he was nice for a while then became abusive again because I got lazy and didn't take an exam on time. So he was dIsappointeD and starts berating me.

Let me be clear: my father does love me. Its just that he's mentally a child, who can be very, very cruel when he's angry. I just don't think I can forgive him now for all the horrible things he's said to me in anger over 20+ years. Maybe once I'm not worried about finishing me school and starting residency, I might be able to work through my anger.

But for now, I'm going to have to focus on building up my self esteem back up because right now, I'm hypersensitive to critism and I need to change that.

[4EverMe]

Failmenot, first let me say I have a lot of sympathy for what you've dealt with! I also have a question. Was your father berated by an abusive parent, himself?

Fallen, what about your wife's mother?

I wouldn't suggest sticking around and putting up with it! I only ask because they might have been taught those bahaviors. Have you demanded they attend therapy, in order to have a relationship with you?

[fallen]

to failmenot berating, anger, cruelty are not signs of love, patience, kindness
compassion this is love.
your father is a control freak and it seems this will not change. he is a child so you must treat him like one.
if you see him which i do not recommend but this is your choice you need to place boundaries around him, i.e if he says something mean and cruel you get up and leave the house with your head held high.
do not involve yourself with petty arguments with a petty man. you have your whole life ahead of you, stay strong and be kind.
the most powerful things in this world , are unconditional love and kindness.
take care

[fallen]

to foreverme my wife's mother who is still alive is also a grenade throwing bully, by this i mean she says nasty abusive comments, then runs and hides like a true coward. she is also physically abusive my wife does not see her.
although my wife has been always kind and loving to her mother the behavior does not change. the motto being if you can not change a negative situation it is always best to leave.
hope you are enjoying your new apartment and your beautiful view.
take care

[4EverMe]

To fallen:
I knew the situation was bad, but I didn't realize things were THIS nasty. Terrible! Also, its maddening to me that she thinks she was born with the right to abuse others. Does she have mental problems? Is she evil? Or both? I feel bad for you all. By the way, the way you described your wife? She seems like a kind and lovely person. Tou all take care! And good to hear from you.

[fallen]

to foreverme my wife's mother is not mentally ill, just plain nasty and cruel. when i first met my wife i could see what i was getting into, but to be in the precense of an angel you must put up with demons.
take care

[Pilule]

Failmenot,

You really hit the jackpot family wise.
You're going to be a doctor soon, I have an idea of what it takes to make it through medical school. A lot of work, a lot of discipline, big commitments, being gifted and, most of all, compassion for others. They take the cream of the crop, in med school.
The people that makes you life miserable, do they have these qualities? They certainly don't have compassion for others. What did they accomplished in life? Probably not much.
If you surround yourself with despicable people, it certainly not going to big a plus for your moral. Don't let them screw you up.

[4EverMe]

Hi failmenot,
Isn't it ironic that your father got nasty with you because you didn't take your exam on time, and yet, HE lost employment because he refused to staple some stupid piece of paper??! Is this something you find humorous? I sure do! BTW, I'm proud of you that despite the bs from your father, you found it within yourself to undergo med school! Great for you, and I find this impressive!

Fallen, the post you wrote above, regarding your wife? What a tear-jerker! I can clearly see that you both make a wonderful couple. Hugs to you sweethearts!

By the way, I'm still in my old place. Will be transitioning to my next, around Sept. 5-7. Thanks for caring....