what a life.

[case3]

I have felt depression since I was a teen but it was never very serious, probably mostly just teenage angst, I cut myself a little then when I was upset but once I hit 17 that quit. I started drinking, so I was going out and actually talking to people which I wouldn't do before because of what I now know is anxiety, then I thought I was just weird. My drinking was bad, I was smoking weed along with it to help the hangovers.

I quit drinking when I was 20 because I found out I was pregnant. I stayed with the guy I was with despite him being a druggie and an asshole. Everyone I knew tried to talk me out of being with him but I wouldn't leave, when I look back I have no idea why, he stole from me and left me alone all the time. I had my baby and felt no depression at all, it was a great time, she really saved me I think. My boyfriend got physical after I had her but I still stayed, it was all shoving and name calling.

When I got pregnant with my second, I started feeling the depression again. I resisted cutting myself but the whole pregnancy I hated my first child, I yelled at her way too much and I thought about dying the whole time. I planned out how I would do it, I didn't want to kill myself while pregnant because I didn't want to actually hurt my baby but I did have a plan if I couldn't handle life before I had her. I was going to do it after I gave birth but once I gave birth those damn hormones took over and I didn't even think about dying for 2 weeks.

I started punching myself in the head and cutting my ankles. I usually did this after my boyfriend would call me names or throw me down. He always took off right after so the police never talked to him once. They were called multiple times to our home and they always tried to tell me to leave and they would help me but I still didn't listen. I really don't know why, I don't even love him.

After 6 months, I finally talked to my doctor about how I was feeling and he gave me meds and sent me to a therapist. I hated the therapist, she didn't actually listen to me, just gave me more medicine. I think the medicine did help me a little though, I didn't have any urge to cut and I wasn't thinking about dying everyday. But, I wasn't feeling anything at all anymore, not happy even, so I stopped. And I got pregnant again... (hello stupid girl!! ugh) I wasn't happy for half the pregnancy, thought about an abortion but never did it because I could never bring myself to do that.

I had him and had so many complications from the birth afterwards that landed me in the hospital multiple times. Even during all that I had no help from my boyfriend, he actually got mad at me for having to be admitted to the hospital. I felt the depression hitting hard again, so I forced myself to talk to my doctor again. I told him I wouldn't talk to a therapist though. He gave me pills and again, I felt nothing so I stopped.

It's been almost 5 years since that and I've had bouts of depression that would last for about a month and then I would feel better for awhile. This last year, I have thought about killing myself every single day. Just today, I was trying to figure out how I could string up some rope but I've talked myself out of it, I need to get my will done so my kids are taken care of. I'm still with my boyfriend, he hasn't thrown me around since right before I got pregnant with the last baby. But, he still gets angry and will call me the ugliest names and he has to always be in my face, I try to hide so I can calm myself but he follows so he can yell more, this happens mostly when he hasn't had any weed to start the day. It's starting to become a regular thing and it's made me start hating myself even more again and I'm also cutting or punching myself in the head afterwards. I don't work, so I have zero money of my own, I have no idea how I could ever leave this situation. My parents don't want us, my mom gets annoyed every time I start talking about the bad things here. I've thought about working but daycares are so expensive and we can't get any help because my boyfriend makes too much money. I've thought about just getting a job anyway, we could afford it but I'm scared of doing it, I can't talk to people and I also have a hard time trusting anyone else to watch my kids, it's kind of ridiculous. I don't really want to leave my kids but I have no idea what else to do.

I know people will say that I should talk to someone or find a group but I have anxiety, I have a hard time even grocery shopping. The thought of talking to people makes it hard to breathe, it's crazy how something like that is so scary. I've thought of checking myself into a hospital but that scares me to. I feel so pathetic even feeling depression, it's my own fault for staying with an asshole who makes me feel like shit and for not talking to anyone about it.

Wow. I didn't mean for that to be so LONG! I have to say it feels to good to put that out of my mind somewhere.

[Frame]

Excellent case3;
Not your story, but that you got some relief from posting here. That's what this forum is for.

[4EverMe]

Hi Case3,
It's good you found this site. I hope it brings you some solace, atleast in knowing that others are listening.
Seems as though we've got a number of things in common! I also have three kids. My oldest son is fully grown, age 21. Some abusive relationships, self- harm, years of depression & anxiety, I can truly relate. (along w/the suicidal ideations) Gotta admit that I don't want to be here anymore either. Please don't feel you're alone with those feelings, though I can understand how it can seem that way. It's hard to offer advice, knowing that I can't pull myself from my own 'dark abyss.' But I'm here and I empathize.

You mentioned that you don't have the money to escape the situation even if you wanted to leave. As a survivor of domestic violence, I'm somewhat knowledgable of organizations that help in these matters. Many will even take women and their children and help them to get into places of their own, providing financial aid/ employment assistance. Could help! Pls update us, & take care!

[Pilule]

It's your boyfriend that you should hate, not yourself.

[4EverMe]

Heeheehee--Pilule. I like you.
Tell it like it is! It's the ONLY way to be.

I apologize about the end of my last post. Ran out of space, so I had to end it rather abruptly! Please pm me if you'd like. I've stayed in a couple of these "safe-houses" before. They also offer counseling amongst other things. With your anxiety issues, I don't know if this is something you'd be able to do. The last time I stayed at one, I had to leave the day following my night of arrival. (because of my panic disorder) Everyone was extremely nice & supportive, but my anxiety grew so bad that I felt like I was having an outer-body experience--like I was standing on the outside of myself. Really hard to explain. But it got so bad that I had to have one of the women drop me off at home...and I'm on xanax for my anxiety!!!
Of course, you're not obligated to take my advice here! You have a sense of what would or wouldn't work for you. If you're interested in learning more about this an option, pls pm me and I can give more info!