Im new to this site and i think i need more help than i am getting and i dont know how to go about it.
Ive had anxiety all my life, it would stop me from going to school because i couldnt deal with conflict or people very well. every job i have ever had i have been only able to last a few months tops before i just stop going in, like a switch goes and i can not make myself go and i cant deal with work conflicts or anything even down to dealing with a customer. I am always on the edge of tears 24 hours a day.
i have had alot of personal bereavements but even before that in primary school i rememebr being tortured with terrible thoughts of my mum being killed. I would burst into tears in the middle of class or church or sometimes not be able to go in all together, i would make up excuses to go home in the middle of the day because i was terrified something would happen to her.
Perhaps i depend on her so much because my dad left at an early age and she has been both parents to me.
Anyway during age 15 i felt i had my anxiety under control until i was sexually assaulted while i was out alone.
since then i have been incredibly wary of people, even more so than before, after that i went to college and was seemingly ok for a while until i left college to go to a apprenticeship that i had. that was where everything took a turn for the worst and naturally i didnt last long there. anxiety took over and i couldnt cope with being yelled at by adults infront of customers in the high pressure atmosphere that it was in a city centre salon.
I know i am too sensitive.
during this time i met my bf. anyway after trying to get more hair dressing jobs and failing spectacularly once i had them i gave it up all together in pursuit of finding another career path. I tried call centres but same as before, couldnt even cope with being yelled at over the phone. it got to a point where i would turn up and not pick upthe phone all day to the point where i was convinced someone would notice and just stopped going in all together.
since those few jobs for the past two years i have not been able to even attend an interview. I have no income, i live at home and i never go anywhere. this has causes an incredible depression to form in my life that i can not pull myself out of.
It has gotten so bad that in the past two years i have not been on a night out, gone shopping, on holiday or anything, i will travel to my bfs house in his car or not at all, i havent gotten on public transport in the last two years and although i have reguar bouts of applying for jobs, sometimes i can attend an interview if someone takes me but when i am offerend the job i am over the moon, i have every intention of going then it comes down to the moment where i have to leave the house to attend the job and i just fail. I can not leave and have to apologise for wasting their time and decline the job.
i have little to no support from my bf becasue i know he doesnt understand, he was brought up in a household with very little love and affection so has no idea how to show sympathy, and though i love him, its extremely upsetting when he looses his temper with me.
I have attempted several times to go the CBT, the first few times i couldnt leave the house to go to it i had a huge panick attack and got myself in a complete state. after two times of that they struck me off the list declined to help me, which i understand but it really doesnt help me get this sorted.
Then i attended pre councelling councelling to try and get me ready for it, i attended these sucessfully and was suposed to be refered back to CBT but it seems they will not help me.
I am completley stuck in a rut. my friends have all moved on and i dont get to speak to any of them anymore because i cant go out with them it seems i have just fallen off the radar and they have lost interest.
I feel totally isolated and the depression gets worse every single day. I feel worse and worse and more worthless as time goes by, i see my friends moving on and i see my bf getting more and more frustrated with me and i have no idea how to pull myself out of this or if i even can.
I really need some help. i have no income and no life. Im drained of energy every day and can not make myself do anything and im finding it hard to even care about anything. i feel like ive given up but i dont want to becasue i had such dreams.
i could realy use some advice
