Maybe I just need a little help...

[SoupOrJuice]

I'm 21 years old. I can count the number of friends I hang out with on one hand, and even then only once every couple of months. I have 2 interests - movies and gaming. I work at a Walmart where no one shares these interests, so no real possibility of social exposure. I've looked at Meetup groups in my area - all of them are populated 100% by people 10 or 15 years older than me - no chances there. I've already gone to College once - I lost contact with all the friends I made there the instant I left.

I'm unattractive. I'm dishonest, unkind and insanely boring. I've never been in a relationship, meaning any relationship I do get into would suffer from my inexperience in more than one area.

I only have two goals in my life - start a family and travel the world. Technically, I could do both by myself. But as a single male it would be hard to get an adoption, at any stage in my life. And travelling the world by myself does not appeal.

The friends that I do have, I am not so close with - none of them I would think of travelling the world with, and again none of them are female, which means I wouldn't be able to start a family (I am straight).

I have almost no skills - I dropped out of college 4 semesters in. And while I'm going to University in the Fall, and will most likely get a career out of it, I find it highly doubtful that I will have time to socialize there - I've been told that the workload is 10x harder than college (I live in Canada, the two aren't synonymous), and I had a hard time socializing there as it was.

Once I get out of University, no friends in tow, I will move out of my home. My current home is populated by my 2 parents and 2 younger brothers, all of whom love me. However, once I leave I fear that I will start to drift away from them. The farther I drift, the less I will enjoy life, as they are the only people that I enjoy spending time with.

I also highly doubt that my chosen major (Sociology/Comp Sci double major) will lead to very many situations where social aspects are abundant, despite the word being right in my major. Every where I've worked before has been a rather monotonous, antisocial environment where completing the work was the only objective.

Yes, I have depression. Yes, I'm taking medication (this is my 6th so far). Yes, I've gone through numerous appointments with a variety of doctors and therapists. No, it hasn't gotten better in the 11 years since it started - only worse.

So this brings me to my question. Do you, knowing all this information, think it could be better? Get better? Will it? This question has been roiling in my mind all summer, as I draw closer to the only real unknown left in my life - University. While I feel certain that it will play out the same as my last foray into post-secondary education, I can't help but wonder "what if?". So I turn to the internet. I don't honestly think that, if my life stays as it is - no friends, limited family and social exposure, with no romantic prospects on the horizon (close or distant) - that I will be able to bear it for much longer.

The thought of suicide enters my brain daily, and it looks like a more promising notion every day.

[Alaska1958]

Hi, welcome to the club.

I'm quite a bit older than you, also male and live in Fairbanks. Unless you're in Whitehorse, we aren't anywhere near each other. I can relate to your situation as, I think you'll find, several others here can too.

One thing I'd take issue with is your ability to correctly forecast your future. You will meet women. Yes, I know you already knew that. But the fact is that you really don't know who you'll meet and what kind of connection you will make with these women. One thing I have found is that many of the best relationships and experiences I've had in life I did not see coming. Part of the trouble with depression is that it makes seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel just about impossible.

I'm surprised that you can't connect up with someone at work who at least likes movies. But I'm very glad to hear that you have a close family who loves you. I do too and I'm grateful every day for them.

Depression can really interfere with our ability to focus and, in my case anyway, brings with it a horrible sense of apathy. I never was able to finish university. I've always been embarrassed about that. My dad was born in 1903 and he told me that when he finished 8th grade his dad wanted him to quit school and come work for him. But my dad wanted to stay in school. He said that only 2 boys from elementary school went on to high school, but most of the girls did. He went through high school and into college. He graduated here in Fairbanks in 1933. I was always proud of him for that.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some good advice here, but even if you don't at least it's a good place to commiserate with people who understand.

[Frame]

Hi Soup; When commiserating with fellow members here I often find myself asking people to be more gentle with themselves and their past. In your case I get the urge to ask you to work a little harder and this is why.

Traveling the world and having a family are perfectly good traditional goals; the order in which and the reasons you accomplish them is highly important and will define your future. I understand your wanting to make social connections, but you can do this while traveling; this will be easier while traveling and will give you insight as to what kind of life you wish and with whom. Whereas, if you concentrate on building a social group and perhaps a family now, then travel become much more difficult as well the opportunities to discover yourself. So I think some planning is in order.

Additionally, drawing from my past, I have to ask why you want a family. In my case, it was simply an assumption that this was a natural progression in my life; and that created two big problems. When the natural chronology presented itself I wasn't ready for a family and when the music stopped I was with someone who turned out (and we should have both known this but biological clocks will be biological clocks.) I should never have married. You may be exaggerating, but if you feel you're "dishonest, unkind and insanely boring", are you also ready to raise children? The simple fact is, the world is changing and the natural progressing of school, work, wife , family is a structure more vulnerable to all kinds of social sledge hammers. That may, after some self inspection, not turn out to be such an important goal. It may also turn out to be the goal of your extended family more than your own.

So what I'm saying is; you seem like a bright, and (in my opinion) not so boring person and that it's time for you to explore the world and yourself. It's also time right now to work hard not to form connections that you may only realize later are tying you down and keeping you from knowing you own self.

[SoupOrJuice]

For traveling, I am fairly young and as I said planning to go to University in the fall. This means that I have another 4 years before I can do any traveling (I don't make enough money to pay for Uni and do, well, anything else). After that, however, I do plan on saving for some traveling. However, I have to admit that I don't want to wait the 3+ years it'll take (7 if you include the time in University) to go traveling before actually seeking an intimate relationship.

And I won't lie and say there is no pressure from my family to start ... well, a family. However I have very little contact with my extended family, and my parents only really mention me getting married while joking around like "This is definitely going in your wedding speech." or something similar. That being said, I do believe that out of anything else the one thing I want is a child. I do agree, however, that I may not be in a state currently to care for one. I can only hope that this changes as I travel and find my "soulmate" (terrible word but I can't think of another way to explain that).

Fact of the matter is that I'm still young, so the things that I want are still fairly far away in terms of achievability, which makes my current mental status so much more difficult to deal with because I feel like even just a few more friends and maybe some intimacy experience might serve to increase my self-esteem and confidence (both of which I have very little, if any, of). But thank you for the advice, Frame. I don't think I've ever had that specific train of thought explained to me before.