The path to get here.

[JMurphy]

Hello all. I started looking around the forum earlier in the week and decided it was time for me to put my own story up.

Until recently, I didn't have any sort of issues with depression. I worked as a professional with large amounts of responsibility, volunteered time and resources for others in need, had a pretty good family life, and was working on remodeling my house in my free time.

Then not quite 3 months ago, my little brother was found dead at work. He wasn't even a week past his 28th birthday. I got a phone call at work from my mother and just knew before I said hello something had happened. Most of the rest of the next two days, getting home from work, telling my husband, and getting across the country, is a blur.

It took us several days of fighting with people to have my brother sent home because he was in a different state at the time. The waiting was...something I can't even begin to describe. The service and funeral were beyond what I thought hell would be. He and I were the ones everyone relied on for strength in the past and this time, I was on my own. I heard so many times to be strong for my parents that I literally went outside and started screaming.

Since that door closed on the parlor for the last time, I feel empty inside. Not sad, not angry, simply empty. I went back to my regular life, pasted on the joking smile everyone expected, and felt not a thing. Even when things were going wrong at work, I couldn't make myself care that I didn't care. I would go home and grab a drink, thinking that at least feeling miserable was feeling something, right?

Logically, I know this was a destructive behavior and I'm fighting through that. Haven't touched it in a week.

Grief is a process, I know. But unlike other members of my family, I can't start moving through it. We are still waiting on a coroner's report to know what happened. That's all I find myself thinking about, what happened to my little brother?

So that's where I am, deep in a hole I've never experienced before and with no one I can confide in. Either they don't understand or they're in the grieving process themselves. Not to mention it's humiliating to not be the strong one all of a sudden.

I'm just hoping that this forum and chat rooms will be like a sounding board, just someplace to remind me that I've not been completely abandoned to my own devices.

[Frame]

Your not alone J. Even when you think your alone, even when you feel your alone, your not alone. There are people here listening and I can't fore tell the future but I'll bet that, before this page in your life begins to make sense, you will find people beside you listening.

That said there are some people here who may relate to what what your going through but many more who can only listen and try to lend support. This is a horrific thing your in the middle of. You've done a wise thing for your family and your self by reaching out. Please keep us updated.

[fallen]

i'm sorry to hear you lost your little brother, what your feeling and going through is normal.
it's good to cry and it's okay to be vulnerable
take care

[Alaska1958]

My god what a shock you've had loosing your brother so suddenly and without even being able to say what happened to him.

I can only imagine what grief you must be dealing with. I'm glad you decided to post as I think you need to reach out and communicate to help work through this. I hope you have friends and family that you are close to.

The apathy and lethargy that come with depression can make everything harder to cope with. I hope you get some relief soon.

Good luck and best wishes from the far north.

[JMurphy]

Thank you all for the support. Luckily, I've had a good weekend with some good news. The stress of this all has hospitalized my sister-in-law and it turns out that she'll be okay.

I still am avoiding interacting with people or leaving the house. I just can't stand the idea of dealing with others. But I'm trying to take it a day at a time. Doing like you have all suggested and telling myself every morning that I just need to get through today. It helps, a lot.

[Frame]

A bit of a treat in the morning might help; favorite cup of tea, morning ritual, a little calm space just after you rise where you can gather your energy.

[Numerology12]

I am a Numerology researcher. I have treated people of depression using Numerology. Its the process of changing ones name/name spellings. One has to write the name 30-40 times daily in a notebook. From 30 to 100 days, depressions or other disorders see considerable improvements.

People interested to join and follow the procedure are welcome

[Alaska1958]

Numerology 12, could you please point us in the direction of some solid, peer reviewed research done on numerology? In my life I've run across two types of people who follow fringe alternative medical treatment. One is deluded, but believes in what they are pushing. Usually pointing to some slim anecdotal evidence to back up their claim.

The other is the more commonly found huckster who knows their full of shit, but wants to separate you from your money.

And what the hell does numerology have to do with handwriting anyway?