It Does Not Seem to Get Better

[srob98]

So, here is my story...

I grew up in a crazy home. My dad abused my mother and my brother but never hit me. Plenty of verbal abuse...I was scared to death of him. He once kicked my mom out of the car on a rainy night. I was so scared for her.

As time went on, my mother became abusive and very controlling. My brother would hit my mother, as well. He threatened us with a gun at one point.

Through this, I seemed to be fine. I was outwardly happy and pretty much kept everything secret. Very few of my friends knew the extent of what went on in my home. However, I had high hopes for my future.

I enjoyed college. I was finally out of my crazy home.

Once out of college, I of course went for the wrong kind of men and married one after only 9 months of long distance dating. He cheated on me within a few months, but I convinced myself he didn't. We stayed together 5 years and had one son. He never hit me, but he ran us into the ground financially and basically stole money from me and my parents. We divorced when my son was 18 months. Basically, he said he married me because I was cute and he divorced me because I wasn't cute anymore. I had gained weight with the pregnancy and did not take it off that first year - my fault, I know.


It has been a constant battle to get him to pay any support. My son is now 15. He spends time with his dad every other weekend, but his dad still get away with not paying. He is behind over 6000 right now, and that is with having support as low as fifty dollars for almost 3 years. His dad spent the first 5 years of our separation/divorce period trying to create problems. He was very threatening to the point I had to get a lawyer. He was 1 step from a restraining order but the lawyer scared him off from confronting me face to face. He spent about the next 2 years confronting me by email, but at least I did not have to respond unless it was something about my son's schedule.

About 8 years later, I tried marriage again, but it was another very short dating period. He turned out to be very unstable. He would tell me I dressed inappropriately. I'm a teacher....I pretty much dress like a teacher. I don't even have sexy "going out" clothes....I just look silly in that sort of thing. He also was weirdly jealous of my son. I should not have married him, but I so wanted a family. Within 6 weeks, he told me he wanted a divorce and that I should get an abortion. We got pregnant right away - that's not why we got married, we were just in our late 30's and did not want to wait too long.

I told him to go but I was keeping my baby. He left, but I found out the baby had severe genetic problems. I did the unthinkable and terminated the pregnancy.

This sent me into a tailspin of the deepest, darkest depression. I would work and take care of my son, but other than that, I was on the couch. I ate to self medicate...and drank more alcohol than usual. I did this for around 2 years.

Also, I was left with debt from the wedding and paying off my new ex's house. I had to take on several part time jobs (online teaching and some after school stuff). At one point, I had my full time job and 4 part time jobs going.

Finally, I told my doctor. I was very good at pretending everything was fine to my son and to others. But, I went to a counselor and my doctor when I got to a point that I could not sleep and was screaming at my poor son.

The doctor gave me Welbutrin which helped immediately. However, earlier this year, I lost my mom. She suffered for several months, and a lot the last few. I was spending everyday with her the last 2 months. My father (yes, they were still married....I have no idea why....they literally hated each other). My dad was good about going to visit her, but he would talk badly about her to everyone. I ended up telling the doctors that he had abused her for the past 40 years. He was actually arrested only 4 years earlier because one of their neighbors heard him beating her. At that time, my mom could barely walk because she has such bad hip problems.

Needless to say, I do not like my father. Now, he is the only one left. I am the only one near - my brother is in Atlanta. So, I am the one that is there for my dad...if he needs someone to drive him to a medical procedure where he can;t drive...that sort of things. It makes me feel sick and uncomfortable to be around him. He even still tries to speak badly about my mother which makes me hate him. He also is always coming over to my house uninvited. He wants to act like everything is OK, but his evilness comes out.

My brother has basically cut himself off from me and barely calls my dad. He was not helpful with my mom....I had to go up alone to do all the funeral arrangements. He is a surgeon, so he did pay for it all, which was wonderful. He told me a few years back that he would not care when our parents died, and he was serious.

I feel horrible because I wish my father would pass away. I really wish he had gone first so my mom could have had some happy years. The last few years she became mean and rarely left the house. She was obviously severely depressed.

I am in debt, and I can't work any more than I do. People always say that things will get better, but, seriously, my life just keeps getting worse....sadder and sadder....and more and more hopeless.

At this point, I am overweight. When I'm not, I look pretty decent, but it seems to be really hard to lose the weight now. Every time I try, something happens which makes me just give up on that, too.

Both my ex's are married, so obviously, I am the problem. I am the only common denominator...haha. I am just a horrible wife. I have no idea how to do it.

I love my son more than anything and have done everything for him. He is a very good boy, but he is 15...so I can't keep building my life around him...he needs to start breaking away....and in just 3 years, he will be off to college.

I have no idea how to stop being so sad.

There are many days when I don't shower or get off the couch, and I let my house get messy. I feel like it is not getting better...and I don't even want to try for anything that might make me happy because it won't work out....it will just end up hurting me some more.

[srob98]

It is apparent as I read this that really everyone has left me....my husbands, my brother...I have no idea why my brother will not talk to me. We did not have any falling out. He just will never return my texts or calls. It really hurts my feelings, but whatever.

I guess I really need to see why no one can stand to be around me...

I did date one guy a few year ago...he was a great guy, but we were very different...so now we are good friends. He has a sweet girlfriend now, so we don't talk as much, but it is nice to know that someone in my life still cares/

I am so sorry to be SUCH A WHINY BABY! I am WAY too old for that...I am nearly 45. I am really sorry to be so very down....I just needed to get it out and hope that maybe....well, I don't really know what I hope. I have really, honestly given up on anything good happening. I have tried....even this past year I tried to do some things to make changes in my life....but it just got me a little further in debt and much more certain that things will not get better.

[Pilule]

Srob98

I hope you're not feeling guilty about terminating your pregnancy, living with a sick kid is hell. My friend has a daughter of 22 who has Downs syndrome, it is screwing her life and it is screwing the life of the whole family. It's sad to say but it's like that.

Why are you paying for your ex's house?

Don't guys that don't pay child support go to jail in the U.S.?

[srob98]

Srob98

I hope you're not feeling guilty about terminating your pregnancy, living with a sick kid is hell. My friend has a daughter of 22 who has Downs syndrome, it is screwing her life and it is screwing the life of the whole family. It's sad to say but it's like that.

Why are you paying for your ex's house?

Don't guys that don't pay child support go to jail in the U.S.?

Pilule,

Thank you....I have worked through the guilt from terminating the pregnancy and have found a place of forgiveness. As for paying for my ex's house...it was when we first married. The day before we married, he closed on his house, but he waiting until the closing to tell me that he still owed the bank $4000. (He accepted a low offer.) I put the $4000 on my credit card and we just decided to pay it off over the next few months. Instead, he never paid one penny toward it. Because it was the day before the wedding, we were not married, so it was then considered only my debt when we divorced. He made no move to pay for it in any way....although he told me what a great Christian he was.

As for the child support (my first husband)....that is somewhat of a myth. If you can afford a good lawyer, then they may face jail time, but they rarely do. The courts thoughts are they can't work or pay support in jail. I can't afford a good lawyer...it would cost more than I could ever get back from him. I take part in Child Support Enforcement. They don;t do much because the are so overloaded with cases. As long as he pays some small amount about every 3 months or so, they only send him letters. We are going to court in August because he is so far behind, but if he brings a few hundred dollars, they won't do anything. He "owns hos own business" and pays his new wife to do "advertising" and "accounting" and shows that he makes little to no profit.

Obviously, I am not a lucky person...

[Pilule]

Srob98

My sister was in the same situation as you. She stopped fighting because the only one collecting any money was the lawyer. It's hard to find an honest one. My mother dealt with our cousin, a lawyer, and he ripped her off to. Then they wind up in politics, no wonder the country is in such bad shape. OK I'm off subject.

Again, about terminating your pregnancy, my friend sent her daughter to camp for 2 weeks today. She was ecstatic, two weeks for herself, free as a bird. She only has 3 or 4 of these weeks a year, the rest of the time it's constant surveillance of her daughter.

[srob98]

Srob98

My sister was in the same situation as you. She stopped fighting because the only one collecting any money was the lawyer. It's hard to find an honest one. My mother dealt with our cousin, a lawyer, and he ripped her off to. Then they wind up in politics, no wonder the country is in such bad shape. OK I'm off subject.

Again, about terminating your pregnancy, my friend sent her daughter to camp for 2 weeks today. She was ecstatic, two weeks for herself, free as a bird. She only has 3 or 4 of these weeks a year, the rest of the time it's constant surveillance of her daughter.

I can imagine it is overwhelming for her. I still wish I had not gone through with it, but it is in the past.

My depression started with that, I am sure. I think before that, I had made it through everything relatively in tact. However, I think it sort of put me over the edge. Dealing with how crazy my husband was acting, dealing with how sick I was, then dealing with him leaving and me left with the decision on my own. I think it was just too much.

But, I did get that under control. It took a few years before I felt like myself again. Funny, my mother was SO against any type of counseling or medication. I am sure she was worried that I would let out all of our family secrets.

My mom passed away in March. She suffered a lot the last 3 months...well, she suffered all her married life. She became so controlling and angry the last 10 years. It was horrible to see her change, and it was to the point that I could barely talk to her this last year. However, when she became ill, I was with her everyday.

Now, I am left with my father. I do not like him, nor do I want to be around him, but there is no one else to help him when he needs help. He tries not to act horribly, but he can only hold it in so long.

Both he and my mother basically cut off ties with their families...so there is no other extended family.

I would move back to where I grew up, but my son is 15 - I can;t pull him out of school now. But I am so horribly sad and so very lonely.

I do have friends, but when holidays and vacations roll around, that is when my loneliness is the worst. And I worry my son will be like me. I pray all the time that God will give him a better life than I had...

I really keep waiting for things to get a little better, but they just seem to get worse and worse. I am usually not whiney. I work hard, support my son, and do my best to give him a good life. I just wish mine was a little better

[Pilule]

My sister went through hell, with her ex, he tried to turn his sons against my sister but it backfired, her oldest son didn't speak to his father for 7 or 8 years and even today, their relationship is very cold.

Now her two sons are adults so he has no control over her anymore. Next week, my sister is going on vacation with her son and his girlfriend. She gets along great with her oldest son, it's a little more complicated with the youngest, but nothing serious.

So it does get better, but it might take little bit of time.

[Bassman]

I know it sounds horrible, but eventually things will get better. Your son will grow up and be independent, your father will pass away. Both of these things are inevitable. It's ironic to think that many people are suffering through depression because those 2 things have happened... but it's not bad to be thinking the way you do. The best way to change things is slowly - one thing at a time. Don't go trying to change everything at once. You're obviously intelligent and can see where you've made mistakes in the past. All I can suggest is to try not to repeat them, especially when it comes to men. It's better to be in no relationship at all than to be in a bad one.

[srob98]

I know it sounds horrible, but eventually things will get better. Your son will grow up and be independent, your father will pass away. Both of these things are inevitable. It's ironic to think that many people are suffering through depression because those 2 things have happened... but it's not bad to be thinking the way you do. The best way to change things is slowly - one thing at a time. Don't go trying to change everything at once. You're obviously intelligent and can see where you've made mistakes in the past. All I can suggest is to try not to repeat them, especially when it comes to men. It's better to be in no relationship at all than to be in a bad one.

Thanks Bassman,

I really don't look forward to my son becoming an adult! I will miss him so much!

I agree....I am working to not repeat my mistakes. I just don't bother to date anymore....I am too afraid I will choose someone horrible again. I think my "man picker" is broken...haha

[Bassman]

It's bittersweet, that's for sure. My son is an adult and has been for a few years, but only recently has he shown any signs of acting like one. As far as missing him - that's going to happen, but you have to let him grow up. The alternative may be better for you but not for him - not at all.

Regarding dating - I wouldn't give up completely, just try and be more selective. I do believe you would be better off single than in a bad relationship, but don't forget there are plenty of men out there who are genuine and decent. It's just a matter of finding them. Taking it slowly is the name of the game