Depression Understood Forums

My story... that's what this forum is, right?

So, i'm a 50 y.o. male, and i've never felt comfortable in my own skin, not since puberty hit anyway. Married 27 years, 3 kids 18-22.

Ever since I was old enough to realize what it was, I have been self-conscious and shy. I had no game when it came to the opposite sex, so I had no girlfriend until I met my now-wife. We became friends first, then best friends, and of course over time my feelings for her changed to romantic love. After a few months of being really uncomfortable around her, she realized she was in love with me too, so we went from there and were married at 22. She is the only sexual partner i've ever had.

My wife is a Christian and grew up in a Christian household. I did not and was not, which caused some friction between us. Eventually I got to know some people at the church she attended and found they were pretty good people, so I allowed myself to become part of the church. One again though I was never fully comfortable with being "Christian" and wouldn't identify as such to others outside the church. I managed to keep this up until a few years ago, when I couldn't do it any more and stopped attending. The hypocrisy of some of the church members didn't help how I felt about the whole thing.

Our kids were raised Christian, attended church until they had enough guts to challenge us about attending. They went to a Christian school. Now none of them attend church. Only my wife does, sporadically.

Ever since the Internet came about, i've managed to find ways to keep myself amused by it. Chat rooms, forums, websites, you name it. At one point 10 years or so ago my marriage was in trouble and I got too close to a woman in a chat room - unloading all my problems, if you will - , admitted I was attracted to her. My wife found out and it was bad for a while, but we reconciled and all was OK.

Anyway, a few years ago I found myself getting involved in the Fan Fiction scene, mainly due to boredom at work. My wife knew nothing about it, of course. I got to know a few fellow authors (female, naturally) and eventually formed a close friendship with them. They all lived on the other side of the world to me, which worked out well because I could chat to them during work hours, which was evening for them. Two of the friends I made became friends too, then best friends... and then lovers. That sent me into a tailspin. I guess I had some feelings for them, but more than that I felt betrayed because they had something I couldn't be part of. My wife knew none of this, of course. I ended up falling into a depressed heap. My doctor put me on antidepressants (Lexapro) and I began seeing a psychologist. With her support I decided to write a letter to my wife, explaining my friendships and how they came about. She was shocked to say the least, and it affected our relationship quite a bit, but everything was OK - until one night when we were out for dinner (for my birthday, of all things) and my daughters decided to look through my cell, which i'd left at home. They found and totally misunderstood a series of text messages between me and one of my online friends, and called my wife, totally upset and angry with me. All this culminated in us separating for nine months, before reconciling at the end of last year. This involved me breaking off my friendships, including people I cared about very much.

I'd like to say that was the end of it... but it's not. My depression continued throughout all of this, not helped by me having to live with my elderly parents. The antidepressant's side effects were enough to cause depression by themselves - weight gain, apathy, sexual dysfunction. But I kept taking them. Fast forward 7 months and I've decided to wean myself off them. That's been successful, but now i'm finding myself sliding back into depression at times. I've also realized that the problems I had before I started taking them are still there. Most of them are, anyway. My marriage is OK, not great. My kids are lazy and argue over stupid things. I'm underappreciated and overworked in my job. I found out that my closest friend, who I had had to end the friendship with, had been diagnosed with cancer and later passed away due to a clash of medications. Coming off the antidepressants has side effects too, including "brain zaps".

I don't really care about anything, can't be bothered to put in any effort at work, at home or in my marriage. I'd be just as happy to not have to talk to or deal with anyone. If I could find a hole and just hide in it for the rest of my life I would be happy. I realize I need someone to talk to but I don't want to burden anyone with my crap, and really, who's going to listen, besides someone who's paid to? I have started smoking weed again, although nobody besides my brother knows... and I don't know if I can even be bothered doing that either.

So what's the point of this? I think I just needed to get it out. Not that it will do any good.

I think writing it down will help. Writing down here (and not letting your children or your wife, anyone else really into this side of your life) will allow you to be honest to yourself with some safety.

I get help just by writing. It is also very helpful, having real people respond. You may also get a boost by responding yourself.

Give it a try.

You've shared some about your family and what you do in your spare time, but what about work; how do you fill the time when your not on line? Have you any connections that aren't on line?

Thanks Frame.

Outside of my online friends, I have no close friends. I have my brother, and when we can get together it's cool, but he has problems of his own. He too suffers from depression, and has tried to take his own life a few times. He "self-medicates" a lot too.

Any close friend i've had over the years has slipped away, and some of that is because my wife didn't approve of things they said or did (getting back to the whole "Christian" thing), didn't like their wives/partners etc.

I have an hour plus each way commute to/from work, and as I don't live anywhere near the office I don't see anyone from there outside of work hours. My wife has managed to turn the two hours plus I spend in the car every day into a benefit for me - I apparently get time to "unwind" on the way home. My work day is 12 hours including traveling time. She works 8 hours a day and drives 15 minutes to get there. She's a school teacher, so gets 11 weeks holidays every year. But she's not coping with the changes they are bringing to the education system, so she wants to quit and get a different job. Because she's not trained to do anything else that means her pay will be cut in half, so the chances of me getting a different job closer to home are non-existent. There are no decent jobs near home in my field. She already earns a fair bit more than I do and we have significant financial commitments.

What do I do at work when I'm not online? That's a good question. I spend a lot of time on the phone as part of my job. There are 6 people in my office that do the same thing as I do (sales) but I get the majority of the phone calls. There is no fairness to the way the calls are directed. Of the other 5 guys, 2 are the company owners and 1 is technically the "sales manager". But I still get more calls, and do most of the email inquiries, as well as (at present) re-designing the company website. I've become very passive-aggressive with the receptionists, and at other times just ignore the phone when it rings.

Another issue with my wife - she questions almost everything I do. We've never had "my money" and "your money", it's always been "our money". She is always complaining about having nothing to wear, although her wardrobe is so full it's getting hard to wedge anything in there. She buys clothes regularly, which I have no problem with, but if I buy something small that isn't either for the house etc I get the third degree. We watch a bit of TV - I download TV shows from the 'net - and I always get asked "have you downloaded this", but I get complaints that I spend too much time on the computer! Not to mention that she (and the kids) are ALWAYS on their iPhones.

I've been feeling very sad and guilty about my online friend who passed away too. She had a terrible life and suffered through many physical and emotional issues. It took me a long time to earn her trust and get her to open up to me, and I promised her I wouldn't desert her like most people in her life did. And then proceeded to do just that when my family insisted on it.

On top of all the above - I don't feel like I have the right to complain, y'know? There are so many people who are so much worse off than I am, you can find them all over this site, obviously. I have my (physical) health, my family, a job, a home. I'm not being physically/sexually/emotionally abused. What right do I have to complain, especially when i'm bringing this up in this forum?

Thank you Bassman, for filling us in a little more. It doesn't matter what advantages or physical burdens your carrying; when you feel trapped you feel trapped. I can identify with many of the things you mention, in terms of you working life and your relationship to your wife.

I'm no longer married, but I think there are many things we two probably should have learned about each other before we did marry. I believe life's expectations forces us together more than love or even attraction; then our own expectations tore us apart.

A couple things I was thinking:

Listening is difficult when all we here is pain and when I look back at married life I still get the feeling my ex-wife didn't really share her thoughts and feeling as much her expectations or instructions. It made understanding difficult. But I still think that listening and understanding is key.

I've read over and over that there should be separate checking accounts in a marriage. I don't know how that works; we didn't but I think it forges a requirement for division of labor and responsibility. It allows that two people don't have to worry over the same bills and they can control their own little piece of the pie. Negotiation is still essential but not for every little thing.

Last; there are a world of free audio books out there on the web. Tens of thousands of audio files you can listen to during your commute. Many of them are educational. They might help truly let you unwind if you find in stead that your mind is full of frustration on your commute home.

Thanks Frame,
I think when I was first in my relationship (and this probably applies to a lot of people) I was just so happy to BE in a relationship that I didn't consider the areas in life where we disagreed. Also, things that don't seem important at first seem to be magnified greatly once they are a part of a marriage.

Another thing I have found to be true: Men go into marriage thinking (or hoping) that the person they marry isn't going to change. Women go into marriage thinking they can change their new husband. Both sides are unrealistic, of course.

Women, here's a tip: If you're getting married and you think your husband-to-be is immature in some ways, he's probably always going to be immature. He enjoys being immature and will probably see your attempts at changing him as controlling behavior. ESPECIALLY if you go along with it without comment at first. I really believe that some women see things they don't like in their prospective husband but once the engagement ring is on their finger, choose to ignore those things because they are in full "wedding" mode. That's a generalization, of course.

I'm very familiar with audiobooks - I have taught myself to speak Japanese, up to a point anyway, by listening to podcasts when I drive. The last few years i've been listening to podcasts from a radio show in Seattle. Not very instructive, but very funny.

A woman tries to picture a man with better clothes on, a man tries to picture a woman with no clothes on.