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Posted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:24 am
Hi. A lot of you know me here. I have had a long battle with health issues. Mostly my heart. I have congestive heart disease with unstable angina, hyperlipidemia, intracranial atherosclerosis, ptsd, hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, interstitial lung disease, copd, coronary artery disease, gluten intolerant, osteoperosis in lumbar spine and femur, and as of 2 weeks ago, multiple myeloma. The big C. Okay, so 2 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I have been doing a lot of research. It is terminal, but very slow acting. Which means I get to die slowly over a period of time instead of right away. I feel like I have to do everything right now this very minute cause i'm going to die. But I also feel like, I'm afraid to do anything because I might break. But I'm already broken. But I don't want to break. See, crazy. I want to spend as much time as I can with my family, but I can't drive to see them and I am in a wheelchair now so I can't do much. Everything I do every day is determined by my medication regimen. Even when and what I eat is determined by my meds. I am not fighting for my life. I'm fighting for more time before I die. And my best weapon is chemo. But I can't have chemo because of my heart. But without chemo my heart ain't gonna mean shit cause I won't get the time. Everyone keeps waiting on me to fall apart. I'm not ready to fall apart yet. If I fall apart, it's because I won't have a lot of hope left and right now I still have a lot of hope. But I feel hopeless too. The pain and the infections are the worst. I keep getting all these infections that I can't fight off. And it hurts all the way down in my bones. Not sure which way I'm going to go or how this will all go, but I already know where the end will be. Just not when. So, this is my journey. My battle.
Posted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 6:23 am
Thank you for sharing your life with us Obayan.
I certainly can't say I know how your feeling and I have a sense that I may be able to learn, more from you, than you from me.
But I do know what it feels like to be alone surrounded by people and to be trapped by my circumstances. To be honest, I admire your feeling pressed for time because we're all pressed for time, but I struggle so hard against wanting end it all, the time I have seems so often wasted. I think that, if I could see clearly every moment, how precious life is, I would treat it differently. It's seems twisted how I could know this yet, feel so differently.
In any case, I hope your writing. I hope your keeping a journal of all the complexities of what your going through; that, for the world to know your story and also for yourself. I think writing about you and your family may bring them closer to you and you to them. It may also clarify the order of your priorities.
Posted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:02 am
I remember when I was going through terribly bad anxiety and you told me to write down the names of people from here who I can trust and rely on on a piece of paper, and then it's like they are there with me when I'm feeling anxious. I don't know why I'm retelling you that... You're just a big inspiration and have always been such a fighter. I'm sorry to read what you've wrote. My words feel unhelpful... But I'm glad you can be here to share your journey with us again. You are so very brave. I can't imagine how hard this is...I'll just end here. Thinking of you lots ((((((Oby)))))))
Posted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:17 pm
i'm sorry your going through this,i don't no what to say only that i admire your strength.
i wish the best for you
Posted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:35 pm
Fallen, we all have something to learn from eachother. If we listen. Thru helping others we are essentially helping ourselves. Not only helping us to feel better, but to be a better person. You don't know your true strength until you have reached bottom. Once there, you dig just a tiny little bit more and you will find an untold of wealth of strength and power and compassion and an eagerness to rise above. And we can do that together. All of us. Each helping the other.
jj, my dear sweet friend. You have always been and will always be an undeniable source of inspiration to me.
Frame, I am writing constantly.
And I think it's good to share what we discover along the path we walk. It may help others and it may not. But it lets us know we are still on the path we choose to be on.
Stones in our Path
Posted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 7:23 am
I have so many things, Obayan, I want to accomplish with my life. Some are out of reach, some right in my hands. I feel like I have a chance you have been denied and yet my life is so full of confusion and chaos. So many times a day I find myself cursing the gifts I have. Call it weakness, depression, anxiety, lack of discipline; something holds me back, so that, at the end of the day I've accomplished so much less than I believe I could have, should have. I don't know what to do.
Posted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 5:51 pm
Frame, it doesn't matter what you accomplished this day or that day. What will happen will happen eventually as long as you don't give up. What matters is that today you made a move. You didn't sit still. You didn't give up. You didn't do any of that. But you did make a move. That's all that counts. Even if it was in the wrong direction, it counts. Because you were aware enough to know it was the wrong direction and can make another move tomarrow, hopefully in the right direction again.
Posted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:09 pm
my wife had stage 4 cancer the doctor basically gave her no chance, she had the op and then instead of chemo went on i guess to what a lot of people would call a radical health diet, full of power foods ,health tonics and teas and vitamins etc.
i am happy to list products if you wish, i know that your terminal but some of the teas etc might help with your immune system as they are anti bacterial and anti viral etc.
my wife has been free of it for over five years now,much to the shock of the medical system.