My past year

[BritAurora]

Hi, i'm new here, This is my first topic and it's about my year, or at least the downsides to it. I might do one for my child-hood, but this is mostly on my mind. It's pretty long so I apologize for the inconvenience. Usually the more recent the event, the more in depth It get. Thank you to those who help me or at least listen, it feels good to get this off my chest <3



I think I have depression. I'v fallen in and out of deep sadness without my life. But suddenly this past year has caused me to hit rock bottom. I transferred schools for Junior year and started out at this school I really liked and had good support for me and lots of friends. I transferred because I was having problems with people and I was sick of that horrible school filled with girls with perfectly tanned bodies, bleached hair, and glittery vomit. So enough said about my previous school. I started out at this school. Everything was great, I recently lost 40 lbs, I was beautiful, and cute, and confident. I felt so clean, youthful, pure, and innocent (which later changes) But deep down, I could'nt help but to think this was because I was covering up the weird ugly self that was made fun of I used to be. I started in september, all through that time to November was great.

But I suddenly felt this void begining to grow. It was like the routine was begining to lose a bit of color. All I thought was LONELY. But I was still me. So I decided, I needed a boyfriend! For a few months I was into this guy who hung around my friends. I felt so shakey and invisible when I tried to talk to him, and when I found out he liked other girls I felt pretty down and hopeless and the void grew. He kept teasing me and ignoring me, so I forgot about him and turned my attention to another guy who also hung around my friends.

My attempts to talk to him where so much more sucsessful. Almost instantly (2 weeks) we where in a relationship. At first we had this great blossoming, nerdy, fun, young, sexy, love. But things began to wilt. I craved him. Whenever he made me laugh, whenever we touched, whenever we had sex, it was like these bright alive colors where around me. The rest of reality though was black and white. To sum things up me and him where both extremley broken people. He was alone, no friends, little enjoyment, and I was a disaster ready to happen, a time bomb with my past and mind set. He wanted everything from me, and he got horribley sick just from the though of me leaving. So I bascicly fell head deep into this depression. I felt constant discomfort, shyness, and lack of pleasure. My void grew into a giant black hole, sucking everything in it's path. I became a zombie. I felt lost and lonely. I lost interest. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to die. I could'nt get myself up out of bed. School got bad. My relationships changed. I resorted to self harm and what I beleive to be insanity. People where seriously worrying about me. So after 7 grueling months, I put the relationship to an end.

The black hole stopped consuming but turned into a giant void. I began trying to make me happier, spending time with friends, and trying to get back into hobbies. I was lifted up a bit more and was'nt at rock bottom which I am so thankful for.

But I still had this void that needed to be filled, I was craving affection, I was craving sex. I know this guy. We became closer friends, we would ocasionaly talk about out issues and we began to flirt. Bascicly, I got into this sexual friendship shin dig with this guy. It was a sexual friendship. At this point it was only sexting and making out, Filled the void so nicely. Made me smile. I kept asking him if he wanted to come over and y'know, but he was allways busy, which I soon found out was actually a girl I highly dislike because she 1. Ruined two of my best friend's serious and long lasting relationships via cheating 2. Encouraged my ex (the one mentioned before) to try drugs and cutting himself. 3. she treats people badly. I used him and sex to fill the void. And now thats gone because of her. What did I excpect? But I just get so...jelous of them, it makes me sick because they are in this lovey dovey relationship and i'm just down in the dumps. I'm just a sad pervert with a void to someone who used to be a friend. I'v gotten over it, but I still think about it from time to time.

Now I have this void. I bascicly stay inside my house all day now, with nothing to do, and I let the loneliness consume me. I feel a short happiness when I spend time with friends, but it vanishes the moment I leave their preasence. I also have difficulty meeting new firends, people scare me so much. Those hobbies I used to love? I shove them down my throat, but no such happiness comes from it. Everythings so bland, dull, no color, the only color is blue black or white. I try to find new hobbies, but I begin to lose interest quickly. I feel like i'm trying to light this fire of hapiness, but I can't get anything to spark it. I remember the days in which I would float peacfuly on air, and now it's come to this. I don't know how it got so bad, but it did, and it's not going away.

I know this all sounds like a hopless romantic angsty teenager being melo-dramatic, but it's so much more than that. I feel so empty, so numb, my mind hurts, I try to stay positive, I try to get out, i'v tried to get help, but this horrible feeling won't go away. I try...and try....AND TRY SO HARD, but all my efforts go down the drain. I'v fallen in and out of depression through out my youth, but never has it been this bad. Sometimes I just want the world to go away.

[Alaska1958]

There is a good reason why so many young people feel sad, lonely and depressed. It's a tough time of life. I was calling the local crisis line when I was a teenager and had started seeking help at a mental health clinic when I was 19. It really is hard for a lot of young people to the feeling of being ostracized by your peers, feeling lonely and maybe even unlovable. It's one of the main reasons why suicide is one of the top killers of teenagers.
Have you heard of those youtube videos called "it gets better"? They are aimed at gay teens, but the philosophy applies to everyone. The idea is that all the shit we have to put up with as teens does get better as you leave highschool and enter college and start orienting your life around new friends and colleagues.

Staying inside, alone and feeling unlovable and broken is not a good idea. God knows, those of us here can relate, but it really would help if you got out and tried to get involved in some new activities.

Bare in mind that for many people depression is a relatively temporary condition. Also we do get better at coping with it in time. I know that when we are absolutely miserable and want to hurt ourselves the word" temporary "may seem to offer very little comfort. When anyone is deeply depressed, an hour can seem like an eternity. Please get up and out, call a help line, join the drama club, go to a comic book convention, go somewhere you can make some new friends and talk to someone. Many people, especially young people, can relate to how you are feeling. You are not alone. I know it feels like it, but your not.

You are always welcome here, but I encourage you to talk to someone too. You speak of feeling like a broken person. The older I get the more it seems like most of us feel like that at least sometimes.

Please take care of yourself.

[Pilule]

You seem to see things in a more mature way than a lot of young teenagers that write on this forum.

That will probably help you get out of that dark hole easier.

[BritAurora]

Thank you to both of you.

I'm trying to do whatever I can. :)