Depression Understood Forums

You want to know the truth? Well, I smoke weed since February because it puts me in a state of mind I cant think any but nice things; Im thinking in self-harm myself and I dream about suicide, making a favor to everyone; I feel so lonely and sad that besides talking and laughing so hard I just shut up and barely smile, like really smile. Most of the time Im crying or feeling empty, useless, ugly; I eliminate the words "happy" and "enough" such a long time ago of my dictionary, and if youre asking about "beautiful" , it has never been in my vocabulary. You really want to know the truth? NONE of that is your false(mom, dad), to be honest, all of them had been my decision and Im sorry I cant control my depression and anxiety but I dont know how to manage it and Ive already told you in many different ways I need help, not medicine, help.The past prescription maybe is for the past problem, now the problem is bigger so its logic I need another prescription...I really dont have a reason that justify the actions Im doing and its frustrating me even more...Everybody in my life is healthy, alive, nice with me, I dont have a disease , lack of love or healthy,only a lack of brain and conscience , I think; my family economy is fine, I have a home, food and access to some pleasures, my parents are together; why im disgraceful? All I have is more than I need and deserve, there IS people with hard times, with REAL problems.Just grow M.
The bullying is far away from the present ,however it haunts me every night.Id been abused in the past, when I was child for a neighbor and a cousin; bullied for my cousin and 'friends' almost all my childhood. I CANT GET the word self esteem, in fact Im always trying so HARD: I had the best grades, Im in every contest, defending others, making friends, giving advices...And nobody knows this, and cant imagine it because "IM THE HAPPIEST PERSON".Lol.
Im sorry, I know Im always saying it but its true, I am.I want to be free and not for arrive home until 3 am...I cant keep controlling myself, Im tired and now Im at my highest point, I dont want to break down and the funniest thing about its Im already doing it. I want to liberate myself, to stop thinking in the right and wrong, red and blue, me and them.Anyways, Im being selfish and irresponsable, I know, I hate it.
Even the good way doesnt make me happy.If youre were wondering, I binge a lot, simply because Im tired of crying, so you can still eat your problems (BAD), and yeah I gain a lot of weight: I drink alcohol and I just like tequila and that freedom or courage feeling when youre in the shot #4.
Im completely desmotivated, I just do the things because I have to.The singing doesnt help me anymore, my voice is so ugly now.In the other hand,a month ago my boyfriend left me, because I was giving him too much, what an excuse, Im hurt, I dont have good experiences with love.Im a giving person, Ill GIVE you the best without waiting an answer.So here comes the necesity of love, feeling loved and asking one of my bfs to enjoy ourselves, he always has cared for me and to be honest I know he doesnt love (the real boyfriend kind of love) me but how the hell he takes me, talks to me...His kisses, hugs, the way he takes my hand or lift me up, Ive never been treated like that by anyone. Well, it doesnt change is fake love for my brain.
What an inmature girl Ive turned out, so far of everybody expectations.Im doing things against my "moral values", I dont remember where are my dignity, intelligence, strenght and mature.
I need help, a job and go to Berklee. Im afraid .

You may already have noticed that we all tend to beat up on ourselves. So please, take a step back and breathe deep and slow when you feel that negative. You're doing some very good things. Studying for your classes, entering contests, getting involved with others. These are good things and will help. No, it won't fix everything, but treating depression is in part a matter of taking a lot of small steps. That and learning how to get through the tough times.

About the tequila, canibus and binging. Not so great. I'm not one who can really talk though. I've used food most of my life. I even weighed 500 pounds at one point. I spent a good chunk of last winter driving a cab at night and the sadest part was picking up 22, 25 and 30 year old kids who felt the need to go out and get drunk. Some of our best customers were guys my age (I'm 55) who go out almost every night of the week and get drunk. For a variety of reasons a lotof people feel the need to stimulate their brain with whatever they (we) are drawn to.

I do tend to think canibus is relatively harmless, but remember that anything that starts becoming something you feel you need everyday is on its way to becoming a bad habit.

I know and the others you will meet here know how easy it is for us to beat the holy heck out of ourselves. You are not alone. Please try to take good care of yourself. I wish I could offer more help.

Good luck getting into Berkeley

Monse96;

It's good that your letting all this out. This site is a safe place to do that.

And Alaska is probably right about drinking, smoking, and binging all together. It tends to deplete your body and is going deepen your anxiety. Also, even if at first it helps you relax and sleep, that will change.

I hate to say it but the things we don't want to do, like getting up every day at a decent hour and getting exercise, are the things that raise our spirits; because, at the end of the day, no matter how angry I was at the world, no matter how hopeless I felt, I look back and I can tell myself, "one day closer to the end and I didn't waste that one"; and it actually does make me feel better.

Oh, well; no magic potions. But writing and reading here feels a bit like magic to me. Please keep going. We appreciate you being here.

Oh by the way; if it helps to be with others in this group, I am also afraid.

I'm of real and unreal things. I'm afraid of the future and the past. Sometimes I wonder whether this follows from depression, or if fear comes before and generates depression. I wouldn't mind hearing other peoples thoughts about this.

I'm afraid of the future, I have a pretty good idea of what's in store, for me, and I don't want to see it.

Hello Monse96,
I'm very sorry for your level of pain. I feel hurt because you were bullied- and because you were abused by that neighbor. Neither of those things are YOUR fault, Monse. Obviously, the blame belongs to them! And do NOT imagine they will be 'spared' by their actions. If things seem kosher to them now, well, we do have a higher power. (if it's any consolation) It seems you haven't healed from those cruel experiences, that they continue to haunt you like like unremittent ghosts. I SO WISH I could delete it all from your life, so you'd no longer feel victimized!! Must be HELL, for you to develop such a lack of self-esteem that it's metamorphosed into self-loathing!. Sounds cliche.' But your outward appearance isn't what matters. It's what's in your heart and soul. (though the media caters to stick figures in defining true 'beauty.') Pathetic! Too bad people don't walk about with only their souls showing--LOL! Wouldn't life be SO different?
Please PM me, if you'd like!!

Hi Monse,
I forgot to ask if you've tried seeing a doctor. Are you on any medication for your depression? Have you talked with a counselor? Both could be helpful. Drinking too much, etc, only temporarily masks the heartache you're feeling. I've had my occasional bouts with that. But please look at ALL options, before making a permanent decision. You might just be surprised, even if you don't see it now.
You're NOT useless. You're not worthless. And you came to this site for a reason. I believe there's some part of you that strives to remain. Please keep talking with us. It's helpful-- not only to check your alternatives, but to communicate OFTEN with others who understand your pain.
My prayers, and best wishes Monse,
4EverMe

In resonse to Frame's inquiry about depression, I believe it depends on the factors. Depression, of course, isn't so 'cut-and-dry.'
First: One of the possibilities is a depression-based fear caused by a chemical imbalance.
Second: Fears of the future could be attributed to what's happened in the past. If we haven't healed from the past, our depression could be made manifest by worries of yesterday replaying itself. Of course, this can also result in anxiety/panic disorders!!
Third: Fears could be TRIGGERED by 'stressors' that remind us of the past. This could be experienced on subconscious level-- resulting in depression. Of course, this can result in fear of the future. (like a snowball affect) And anxiety issues to follow.

Fourth: A 'future'' phobia??

Very good points 4Everme.
Strings attached to both side of both depression and fear.
I often neglect that chemistry and fear are very closely tied. We need that quick response for fight or flee, don't we?

We sure do Frame! As of now, I'd rather win the fight and forego the flight.