Someone help me..I'm only 15

[holyhellholly]

I don't really know where to start...but the beginning's always the best, so I guess I'll start there.

I've been diagnosed as depressed since 5th grade, but I can remember wanting to kill myself since about 1st grade.

Life's never really agreed with me.

I was always the social outcast, the freak, the person who was always alone. I thought that it was good to be different, until you end up with 10 year olds predicting your upcoming suicide, and not caring enough to do anything. So, I switched schools, and learned just how out of it I was. I got made fun of, I was weird, and I annoyed some of my friends. This happened to about 8th grade, but I was happy. At least I wasn't alone anymore.

It doesn't help that I'm a failure. Whether it was making friends or getting accepted into private high schools (I was rejected from three....) I've basically failed everything.

This year, I was a Freshman. And the year started out pretty bad. I cared for a guy that broke up with me 3 months prior to the start of school, and we got back togeher...only for me to find out a few days later from a friend that he thought I was a joke, was cheating on me, and just wanted to get pictures from me (I never sent anything, thank you very much). I have bad experiences with boys...as you'll later find out.

But things were going well, I had a new best friend, and I had gotten into the fall play. A lot of people thought I was very attractive, and I had new friends. In November, I kissed a senior at the cast party and we started going out. I'm still a virgin; oral, anal, everything. But I won't deny we did stuff.

Then things went downhill. I was always jealous of his ex, so whenI saw him liking her pictures, I flipped. we were still together, but barely. Then, in January, me and my friend split. She was talking about me, and I was heartbroken. We got into a fight. A week later, my boyfriend broke up with me. My ex bff now started cyber bullying me, posting crap about me, telling everyone all my secrets. I've never felt worse in my life.

Until, to the guy I dated at the beginning of the year. He and my ex bestie became good friends. Who loved to make fun of me. They talked about me a lot, called me pathetic, unattractive, desperate, attention *****, loser, c***, etc. I remember in school (my summer ex doesn't go there), my ex best friend had screenshotted my facebook caption about not letting people get you down, and sent it to him. She walked up to some of my friends next to me, and started prectically yelling,, "GUYS YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS IT'S THE MOSST PATHETICALLY HILARIOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD," and she started reading it. I've never been more humiliated. That picture was taken down in an instant.

I tried to kill myself.

I was sent to crisis.

I got back, and everything was a lot better. Then I found out my ex kissed another girl. She wasn't pretty, and she made fun of people and told them to kill themselves, while she herself was, 'suicidal'. I flipped. He begged me not to be mad, and gave me his jersey, candy, basically a replica of his Christmas present. And then I went insane. Yelling at him, crying....

Eventually another unattractive girl started spreading things about how my ex and her were together. He swore she was a liar, and in retrospect, I kind of believe him. but we got into a fight. He told me I was immature. He avoided me, wouldn't text me back...I went to one of his concerts and at the end, he saw me, and completely avoided me.

I hooked up with another guy, another senior, who I dumped after a week.

I got called a ****.

My mom (I've never met my dad, my parents are divorced, and he told my mom he didn't want me.) called me that more than anyone. She called (calls) me ugly, stupid, bratty, a loser. When I tell her I hate her she says she hates me more, and wishes I were dead.

I do too, mom.

from there, I lost about half my friends. The other 48% grew distant from me. People have blocked me on facebook, make fun of me, my teachers know I cut (I did so in class once, yes it was stupid, I know.), and I'm dead on the inside.

I only have two friends left.

I know I'm going to lose them.

I can't stand the feeling of knowing everyone's talking behind my back, of seeing people laughing at me, of being alone, of him thinking I'm crazy, of just....

being me. I don't know what to do anymore. Looking back on my life, it's been a kid rollar coaster. About an inch up then 300 feet down, inch up, 600 feet down. It alwyas gets worse and worse. I can't see my future. My grades suck.

I wrote this about a month ago. Nothing's gotten better, in fact it's worse. I don't really have any friends anymore. Most gave up or replaced me.

I'm alone. Always have been, always will be.

[scrabble]

Hi Holly.

Very sorry to read your story. I spent most of my childhood and teen years being mocked and bullied in various ways, I know how painful it is.

I don't have any easy answers I'm afraid. We live in a society where there is a very specific accepted norm and if you are not like that, you are in for a hard time. It doesn't mean you are any better or worse than the others, just different. Society has come round to accepting that people are all valuable and important regardless of their race, sexuality etc but is still a very long way from accepting people regardless of their sociability or other different but harmless behaviour. Mental health issues, inclujding depression, seem to be the biggest taboo at all, but you can no more heal yourself of a mental issue by just deciding to be better than you can heal a broken leg by deciding it is mended.

You are not alone. There are lots of us that feel the same and share your pain, and in this place you have found some of us happy to talk to you about it. All hope is not lost.

[Frame]

Hi holly;

I think you should know we are listening.
I hope you find it helpful to continue posting here.

[4EverMe]

Hi Holly,
Ive carefully read your story and I feel your pain. Really. I feel bummed out for all you're going through at such a young age. People can be so cruel and self-serving. But don't think YOU are worthless. Nobody has the right to determine your value? Stop enshrouding your mind with depressive thoughts that are based on the opinions of others.

And Scrabble said it very well. People will judge others just for being a little out of the mainstream 'norm.' Even though they're harmless! I'm sorry for the pain you both have suffered at the hands of others.

Also, it is NOT normal for your Mom/Dad to talk to you this way! Is she perhaps on any 'substance?' Is there more you need to talk about? If so, you know we're here for you. Hang in there Holly!! Things will improve in time.
You'll see...

[Alaska1958]

Hi Holly, it's been a long time since I was in high school, but your post brings a lot of painful old memories back. I hated school, especially from 5th grade on. That being said, I can tell you that the pain of having to interact with a bunch of people who are at a stage in life where they really can't see past the end of their own nose.

I worked in a retail store during my last few years in school and was much more accepted there than at school. The depression itself didn't really get better, but the friends I made did help.

Please hang in there and keep trying things like the drama club you mentioned.

Write more when you can. It helps to interact with people who can relate.