Constant up and down; don't know what to do

[Butterflysky22]

I am actually new to this site. In fact I have never been to a depression forum before but right about I feel like perhaps this is a good place for me to be.
I have been dealing with depressive feelings for years. I have and still sort of deal with weight issues. I have dealt with self mutilation and have on and off again feelings of suicide. At one time I even took some pills which made me really sick. I had cut myself really bad a year ago and I immediately went to a therapist afterwards. By this time I had even started on medication. Needless to say I have been on medication for about a year now and I don't think I am getting any better. I had stopped seeing my therapist a few months ago cause I just felt like I wasn't getting much out of my sessions.
I thought my medication was going to cure me! But I found out that it is only there to aid me or give me a lift. But it is not helping! I have been sleeping a lot lately. Mostly in the daytime. I will wake up around like 7 something in the morning and don't officially get out of bed until around like 3 or 4 ish. My mom is always telling me to go outside and do stuff but I don't have the energy.
This past semester I did bad in college and I lost my financial aid. Plus I ended up quitting my job because my mood wasn't right and it just wasn't working for me.
I'm sorry if this post is chopping and all over the place. I feel like crying cause half the time I feel like there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just bored or I need friends and such but then there are other times where I really feel like this is what I have and I need to suck it up and do what I need to do to get better.
I hope I can at least connect with one person here cause I don't know what to do. My mentality is so up and down. One minute I want something out of life and I want to rise above this and other times I just want to not do anything with my life.
I was recently thinking of entering a treatment facility. But what if this is all in my head? What if I am fine and I'm just going crazy. I don't know I just don't know what's going on with me anymore it's like I can't even trust my own thoughts.

[scrabble]

You are not alone. Your last 2 paragraphs could be describing me. It is so frustrating and you feel so out of control.

Do not blame yourself. You have done nothing to deserve this and are doing nothing wrong. We all have to fight a daily battle to keep going and not be afraid to congratulate ourselves when we get through another day. I often don't know what to do either, but there is no pause button on life, so sometimes I don't choose what to do, I just wait and see what happens.

[Butterflysky22]

Thank you, it's nice to here someone say those words. (You're not alone)
Sometimes I try and just let life happen but the. That results in me just laying in bed all day and not doing anything, a lot of times not really eating anything, and just overall doing nothing but laying in bed on my phone or sleeping.

[scrabble]

Perhaps you need rest. For me, one of the worst aspects of depression is the near permanent exhaustion. Everyday things that other people seem to manage without noticing wear me out.

Obviously never getting up is not an option and you should try and eat properly (though I don't always manage it either), but don't be too hard on yourself. If you are tired, it is OK (and can be very healing) to rest for a while.

[Butterflysky22]

That's just it i sleep way too much! I'm tired of always being in the bed but if I get out and go outside or something for a little, which I have tried, than I end up just getting back in bed when I get in. I have no interest for anything! I want to play my games and such but It's like my body doesn't want to do anything but lay down. And I do eat but not as much as I used to. I'm not really awake much during the day to eat so I end up eating something late at night and going to bed at like 3 in the morning. I don't know maybe I am just lazy. Now I am starting to feel like I don't belong here. Like this is all in my head and that there's nothing going on. This is exactly one of the major problems I keep having. One minute I feel like I have depression and the next minute I'm not sure if I do. Perhaps I am in denial. Who knows? I DON'T!

[Pilule]

Butterflysky,

It seem obvious that you are depressed and/or bipolar. You might think you're lazy, and it certainly feels that way, but you have to understand that it's a disease, like diabetes, and it's not your fault. You don't have to be ashamed of it. Of course you don't go and tell the world about it, there is still a lot of people that don't understand that it's a disease but you should not hide anything to the person who is going to treat you.

You should have stuck longer with your psychiatrist or find one you're more comfortable with. It could take time before you find the right treatment. It seldom works the first time. The problem with us is, while we wait to see if it will work, we feel terrible. We have all been through that, I don't see why you couldn't.

It always break my heart to see young people suffering from depression. Even though we're healthy, it's the worse feeling in the world.

[Butterflysky22]

Yeah even my mom has said that she believes I am bipolar but I sort of do not think so. And the therapy just didn't seem like it was going anywhere. Even my family said they didn't see a difference in me and said that it seemed like I wasted my money. And other than my therapist I am now on my third medication. I was on welbutrin 150 mg than 300 mg for a couple of months. And it seemed like I was just taking a pill to take a pill. Then I was on Lexapro 10 mg and it made me extremely lethargic which is not a good side effect when you are in college. So now I am taking Zoloft 50 mg and I went from taking a 1/2 a tablet a week the first week then to a whole tablet and now I am at a tablet and a 1/2 and I still feel crappy. I know my medicine isn't supposed to magically cure me but I would have hoped that it would have aided me in wanting to get out of bed and do something but it really doesn't. It's not helping my mindset at all. I may ask to change my medication or keep going and see what happens in a couple of months. I went from takin my medicine in the morning and sleeping all day, which caused me to miss some doses, then I switched to takin it before I go to bed and I still sleep all day. I was so tired the other day I fell asleep in my mom's office at work and I hadn't done much that day. It's just causing a big problem!!! I have a doctors appointment Monday for my checkup on my medication so I shall see what my doctor says cause living like this is taking such a big toll. Sometimes I even try to snap out of it and I can do it only temperarly then I am back to feeling depressed and it seems like when I come crashing down after a good point I crash hard and I stay depressed for a bit
See I never got deep like this with my therapist. She always seemed to want to stay on the surface.

[Pilule]

Butterflysky,

You can't really tell yourself to snap out of it just like you didn't tell yourself to get depressed.

Medication can take up to 6 weeks to work. Your therapist will recommend a dose and you try it for a while, then if it doesn't work, he of she will up the dosage for maybe another 6 weeks all the way to the maximum dosage. Then if that medication didn't work you start over with another medication. So it could take a while. So while your sick (depressed) try to spoil yourself a little. If you like to listen to music or you like to play video games who cares if you do it longer than you should, if it makes you feel good.