too young to be feeling this sad

[nayelli]

I always thought having suicidal thoughts was normal. I thought everyone got them and dealed with them their own way. I started having mine in my early teen years and when I was fourteen I started giving in to those thoughts. so many times I knocked out on alcohol and pills hoping to not wake up. but I guess I have a great guardian angel because everytime I would wake up hours later and took it as a sign to start over. I never told anyone about my problems. I thought if I said anything I would seem like just a weak little girl that didn't know how to deal with her own shit. I felt ashamed. when I was 17 I was admitted into a behavioral center for trying to kill myself once more and from there I got diagnosed with sever depression on was put on meds. for the first time I started sharing how I felt to others. I thought with my meds and new support I would finally get better, but nothing changed. for a few days id feel fine but then the cycle with begin once more and I would find myself again cutting myself feeling numb with pain. during the time I got hospitalized I was talking to a guy who I had had my eye on for awhile but never thought it would happen. but he gave me his love and support aswell as his understanding and that helped me get along for a couple of months. but of course it being my life everything cmy insecurity sky rocketed and he cant stand me anymore. we both have a lot of problems but for some reason I thought having a child would get me out of my depression and give me something to live for. after months of trying and feeling like a useless failure for not concieving i finally got pregnant. im paraniod of so many things that could go wrong and i know its bad for my child but without my meds or any support ( the father is constantly working so i dont have comunication with him for days at a time) i cant snap out of it. if i have a misscariage i know i am going to loose it and give up. actually the way ive been feeling lately i know even if my baby is born fine i will probably end up giving up any ways after i give birth. i feel so guilty for leaving my child without a mother, but i know she will be better with out me. i am ashamed of not being able to be strong enough for the both of us but i just cant take it any more. i am 17 and already so tired of my life.

[fallen]

if you go what are you teaching your child that when life gets tough you give up. your child will grow up thinking it was not worthy of love and this could spirall your own child into depression just like you have suffered in your life.
go get some help from a supportive mothers group.
when we are single our only concern is our own happiness, but when we bring an innocent child into the world ,this child becomes your responsibility ,their happiness is your responsibility.
don't give up on life.i personally believe in guardian angels/beings .
have faith, keep going.
take care

[scrabble]

Your child could be the thing to keep you going. I know that there have been many times when I would have happily given up if it was just about me, but I knew that my children needed me and that helped me to carry on. Your child will certainly not be better off without you, and nor will anyone else.

You are not the only one with these feelings and it is not your fault.