Married. Pregnant. And I hate my life.

[nikkiii]

I hate my life.

I've been married for two years, to my high school sweetheart. I'm seven months pregnant.. And I really feel like I have nothing to live for right now.. I don't know how to explain the feeling.. Because the amount of love I have for my daughter already is amazing, but I hate myself. Sometimes, I hate the fact that I'm still breathing.. I don't have thoughts of suicide. But sometimes, I just wish I could stop for a little while. Just a little while. Stop breathing. Stop being me.

I used to be so happy. Even a couple months ago, I was beyond happy.

But then I found out that my husband cheated on me within the second month of us being married. He's in the military, so for the first two months of us being married we were in separate states.. Until our apartment was ready.. I stayed faithful to him. His seven month deployment? The thought never crossed my mind. I stayed faithful.

I originally found out that he may have cheated on me a month after he did, but he swore to me he didn't and promised me.. After millions of promises, I realized I was probably just being stupid and decided to keep my trust in him.. And then a year later, it comes back to bite me in the a..

She sent me the messages. She showed me the pictures.
It was torturing. But the thing that tortures me the most is that he lied to me all of that time.. And acted like I was being stupid for even assuming something like that.

Here I am, pregnant with my beautiful child and I feel terrible for even bringing her into this world right now.. I feel like she deserves so much more.

I've tried so hard to forgive when he has never even asked for forgiveness or showed that he wants it.. I try so hard to just be myself in front of him, but at night when I'm up alone, I do nothing but cry and think about everything. I feel so stupid for giving someone everything that makes me feel like he could care less.. I moved away from everyone and everything I knew to be with him and he acts like he doesn't even appreciate it.

I do everything I can to keep him happy.
I always talk to him about his day and show that I'm interested in him. I never was taught how to cook and was never big on cleaning.. But I learned to cook so I can make him dinner every night before he gets home. I keep the house clean. We have a healthy sex life (though that seems to be the only thing he cares about.) I don't know anything about cars, but that seems to one of his biggest interest/hobbies.. So, I'm learning about them so we can have conversations that he can stay interested in. I always talk to him, but he never talks back to me.. I feel like I'm constantly talking to myself. I set up dates for us to go on. I don't always have the energy, due to being so far pregnant, but I do myself up sometimes and I NEVER get a compliment.. I compliment him..

He just honestly makes me feel worthless and lost.. I don't know if it's wrong for me to feel like this, but I do./

For example, tonight I was extremely excited because it's the weekend and we'll actually get to spend some time together. I was talking and trying to start all sorts of conversations, but I got no replies.. So I just stopped trying. Stopped talking.. And after a few minutes, he went to the room and went to sleep. Didn't say anything. Just went to sleep. I have been sitting in the living room, in the dark doing nothing for the past three hours or so. This is my life on the daily.

I just feel so alone.. And I shouldn't. I'm married (ONLY 2 YEARS) and I just feel like it shouldn't be this hard yet or this boring.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like giving up..

I have no friends and it's hard for me to have friends or meet people because I'm pregnant.. And most people my age aren't interested in hanging out with a pregnant girl.. I feel so alone because right now, I am alone.

[jj]

Awwww nikkiii, massive hugs to you girly. I'm so sorry to hear what a saddening situation you're in. You are very faithful to him to stick by him through what he did to you and I commend you for that, the power of love is a strong thing... but it can also be blinding sometimes.

Has he shown any remorse for cheating on you? Have you ever spoken to him about how his behaviour makes you feel? Or is that something you could try?

Well it sounds good to me that you recognise the way he's treating you is not okay, but how do you think you can address this with him?

I know you feel alone, I just really want to make sure you understand though, that here, you aren't alone. Myself and the other chatters here care, and I do hope we can be of some support to you through this.

Feel free to add some more if you'd like.

jj

[lostsoul89]

My dear Nikki, if there's one thing I know about good women, it's that they possess great patience and forgiveness, coupled with tremendous humility. This is your chance/test/opportunity to shine, to your husband, to your beautiful child, to yourself, and of-course God. Be the better person, and these feelings of self-loathing and despair will disappear. Your husband made a terrible mistake, no doubt. He's human, so are you (I'm not trying to justify what he's done!), but you can rise up to this challenge.

If there's anything I'm proud of in my life, it's that I have forgiven any wrong inflicted upon me by others, no matter how much of a crappy life I have now. I hope it gets easier for you, dear.