I wish I could smile
Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 6:48 pm
My story, where does it begin, back in high school???? as a young adult???? I guess it begins with my father, who never really loved me like he loved my sister. I have never felt worthy or worth anything. I thought as an adult, well, I'll get my MA and dad will be proud...he didn't even come to my graduation....he went to my sisters, she got her PhD.
I was prettier than my sister, she hated me for that, I had the brains, but no one saw past my face. I don't think anyone ever took me seriously.
I did not have a lot of friends, women did not like me, men just wanted to get into my pants, I did not have a lot of trust in men.
I married late, almost 33 when I got married, and we were happy. I felt accepted, loved, wanted and secure. Two years after we were married, I had my son, and, everything changed.
The baby became the center of my world, my husband took a back seat. I tried, but I was working full-time, he was never home and I had most of the "duty" so by the time he got home, I was soooo bone tired I really did not have time or energy for sex.
We were married 12 years when my mother got sick. I had gone for a full-time professorship and they gave it to a guy with less seniority than me at the college. I quit and we moved 800 miles away to be with my mother who, it turns out, had alzheimers. My husband continued to work 800 miles away and come home on the weekends. I grew increasingly discontented, burdened and unhappy. With out any support, my mom got sicker and sicker and I had to take care of everything.
I turned to gambling in a casino to fill my empty hours and bring some (what I thought) was stress release.
When my husband found out, he divorced me after 20 years of marriage. Did not try to find out what was wrong or why, he basically hated me. He also began picking on our son, told him he was useless and and asshole (son was 16 at the time)
When divorce was finalized, I was not really sad, just glad to be starting over and my son and I moved to North Carolina. I couldn't find work, was collecting unemployment and working when I could. I started running out of money, things were tight. My mother died and that was sad, but, she did not know me at the end, so I was happy she did not have to suffer anymore. When my mother died, my sister accused me of stealing my mother's money because she wasn't included in the decisions, mom made me her POA and did not include my sister. She filed a complaint with Adult Protected Services and I had to spend three months fighting it and proving I did nothing wrong. My mother was sick for 6 years and the money goes fast, even after selling her house. Her care cost 5,000 a month! I got through that, but, it saddened and angered me...a lot!
I finally got a full-time job and you think I would be happy, but, I had to move away from my son and I don't have any friends. Unemployment in California stated I had lied about my unemployed status and charged me for two years of unemployment. I could not hire a lawyer (I am a teacher and work in a district that receives the lowest pay in the state) so I owe the state 500 a month, I have no money and my house was broken into 3 times and all my mother's and grandmother's jewelry was stolen. The third time the guy climbed through the window while I was sitting on the couch. The landlord refused to put latches on the windows until I threatened to sue.
I now have to move, again, I have moved every year since 2010, twice in 2010 and I had to put my dog to sleep last Monday, I have no friends, I don't know where to go to make friends, I am broke, and some days I wish I would not wake up.
Is it back luck or karma??? I don't know, but I do know that at my age, I did not expect to be alone, poor and sad. All i do is watch tv and go online. I think if it weren't for the internet, I would have checked out a while ago.
Thanks for listening.
I was prettier than my sister, she hated me for that, I had the brains, but no one saw past my face. I don't think anyone ever took me seriously.
I did not have a lot of friends, women did not like me, men just wanted to get into my pants, I did not have a lot of trust in men.
I married late, almost 33 when I got married, and we were happy. I felt accepted, loved, wanted and secure. Two years after we were married, I had my son, and, everything changed.
The baby became the center of my world, my husband took a back seat. I tried, but I was working full-time, he was never home and I had most of the "duty" so by the time he got home, I was soooo bone tired I really did not have time or energy for sex.
We were married 12 years when my mother got sick. I had gone for a full-time professorship and they gave it to a guy with less seniority than me at the college. I quit and we moved 800 miles away to be with my mother who, it turns out, had alzheimers. My husband continued to work 800 miles away and come home on the weekends. I grew increasingly discontented, burdened and unhappy. With out any support, my mom got sicker and sicker and I had to take care of everything.
I turned to gambling in a casino to fill my empty hours and bring some (what I thought) was stress release.
When my husband found out, he divorced me after 20 years of marriage. Did not try to find out what was wrong or why, he basically hated me. He also began picking on our son, told him he was useless and and asshole (son was 16 at the time)
When divorce was finalized, I was not really sad, just glad to be starting over and my son and I moved to North Carolina. I couldn't find work, was collecting unemployment and working when I could. I started running out of money, things were tight. My mother died and that was sad, but, she did not know me at the end, so I was happy she did not have to suffer anymore. When my mother died, my sister accused me of stealing my mother's money because she wasn't included in the decisions, mom made me her POA and did not include my sister. She filed a complaint with Adult Protected Services and I had to spend three months fighting it and proving I did nothing wrong. My mother was sick for 6 years and the money goes fast, even after selling her house. Her care cost 5,000 a month! I got through that, but, it saddened and angered me...a lot!
I finally got a full-time job and you think I would be happy, but, I had to move away from my son and I don't have any friends. Unemployment in California stated I had lied about my unemployed status and charged me for two years of unemployment. I could not hire a lawyer (I am a teacher and work in a district that receives the lowest pay in the state) so I owe the state 500 a month, I have no money and my house was broken into 3 times and all my mother's and grandmother's jewelry was stolen. The third time the guy climbed through the window while I was sitting on the couch. The landlord refused to put latches on the windows until I threatened to sue.
I now have to move, again, I have moved every year since 2010, twice in 2010 and I had to put my dog to sleep last Monday, I have no friends, I don't know where to go to make friends, I am broke, and some days I wish I would not wake up.
Is it back luck or karma??? I don't know, but I do know that at my age, I did not expect to be alone, poor and sad. All i do is watch tv and go online. I think if it weren't for the internet, I would have checked out a while ago.
Thanks for listening.