I've been generally a sad person for the longest I can remember I know back then I used to but myself and have actually tried to kill myself a few times but I have not tried that in years and so many have judge me by it..telling me that i'm stupid for even considering something like that. But they probably have not gone through what i've been through..
Well it started with my lifestyle..my oler brother has always been my mother's favorite child even though she says she dosen't have favorites but she did favor him from what i've noticed and I mean okay I know he is handicap and what not but he's still well aware of what he does and of what he does to people..he has hurt me several times before especially around when he was a teenager. He's tried getting ontop of me and actually trying that..which I happen to kick him and he got mad at me and smacked me and once he had grabbed me from the shoulders and pushed me up against a wall and said "Let's see who's stronger" and he was definately hurting me and I got scared and i kicked him off and he yelled at me to not kick him like that and smacked me. These were the things he did to me and it always made me depressed and lonely knowing that all my mom told him to tell me was sorry and I will never forgive him but he hasn't done that anymore for a long time but I told him that I am no longer scared of him because now that I'm older, I know how to hit back harder and I even told him if he messed with me that I will hit him back and that I won't cry like I did before. But that is just a part of my story...my older sister well she was nice at me at times but she was my father's favorite and sadly enough that both my brother and sister aren't even his children..I'm his only child and he never paid attention to me. He would tell me how worthless I was, same as my mom, both of them would and they would even tell some of their friends that I don't do anything for them when in fact I did...I did everything for both of them when they needed help with something I helped them..when they wanted something served to them I served them...I made the food in the house and never got a thank you from any of them. My sister would make me feel bad about myself she would tell me that I would be a bitch when I got older and that I was ugly and she even told me that she was jealous of me one time because I had friends when she did not and that I had the better "figure" or so she said..but why did she have to make me feel bad about myself? Well over time even at school by boys I was told that I was ugly and i've had a few crushes on boys but they never liked me back or even told me I was too ugly for them and well being called ugly really hurt me alot back then that I would cry for the longest time. I don't cry now these days because i've been told that I was back then that I started to believe it and I still do and I was surprised when for the first time someone told me that I was pretty..I honestly don't believe it at all but i'm nice about it and say thank you or aww that's sweet but I don't really feel like I am you know. For some people i'm ugly and they expect me to be some supermodel or something but I just say "Yea I know I am" and they are surprised that I have no feeling towards it?
Moving on..when I was 14 I was in my first relationship and it was a long distance and he told me he loved me but at the same time I didn't really feel that way for him, I mean yes i liked him alot but love was too strong for me at that time and age and well it only lasted 5 months and it hurt me when he left me and sad thing is he left me for my friend..and she was my best friend and they started to date not even a few days after...but i was sad about it for a long time but i got over it because a friend of mine at the time was there for me and he was fun to be around with and I took a liking to him and he felt the same for me and well we dated and it was nice until he messed up and apparantly had sex when he was drunk and high which I never knew he did those things..and he couldn't face me at all and avoided me up until the end of school where he found me talking to my friends and said he couldn't be with me and wouldn't tell me what he did and that summer I found out from someone else and well he started talking to me again saying he missed me and according to him he was heart broken because he felt bad for his mistake and just started with drugs and drinking and me during the time I wasn't with him I was just depressed and lost so much weight and I would cut myself constantly. Cutting was my drug...but the same summer when he started to talk to me we got back together and that did not last long...he did the same thing again and didn't tell me but instead he wanted to take my virginity away and forced himself on me and I was honestly scared at that time to mention it to anyone so I kept my mouth shut about it and that really made me fall apart and he ended it that same day and I never wanted to lose it like that
having that was special to me because I was saving it to give it to the right person..it is sad the way things happen like that but I didn't have a boyfriend for abit after that, I never thought I would find someone and I gave up and I continued to cut myself all I remember feeling was how alone I was in the world and knowing that no one cared about me or loved me at all and I sort of became very distant with everyone and I started lying just out of nowhere I know for a fact before it was just to get attention but now it has gotten out of control and let me explain why
Well I had met someone else and i've known him for a little over 6 years and we have dated but since I lied to him all of the time and kept things from him it has gotten out of control and I haven't been that great at fixing my own problems and over the 6 years it's like my lying has built a tall building and when I look up it keeps growing..some things from my past come back to me and he finds out and I feel so stupid around him and i freeze and don't know what to say. I am in love with him but from all the lying i've done and keeping things from him hasn't helped and well I haven't lied to him at all in such a long time and he dosen't trust me at all and I don't blame him. I've always been too scared to tell him things and i'm trying so hard not to be and well he says you either fix the problem or you don't and I really want to fix everything or atleast what I can so that he can trust me again. He dosen't seem to want me to go out at all and well there are times when I do feel the need to but I usually go out with my mom since she has changed since I was younger and he dosen't believe me but earlier today I had aid something that made him angry with me and I still went out and he said it dosen't help me at all to fix the problem. But I am trying to fix it but maybe i'm not doing it the way he wants me to and i've asked him before but he calls me stupid and usually hangs up the phone or calls me stupid and tell me that i should already know and I have been doing the things he wants done but nothing..I can't go out anymore because of this and if I do I have to give a clear reason why and saying because I wanted to dosen't cut it..Can anyone give me adivce please? and feel free to pm me to get a little more information of my situation. Please I am very desperate and feel I need help because I don't understand what i'm doing wrong so please help and thank you
