Who am I?

[SugarKiss43]

I have totally lost me, the person I used to be that is. I was always happy, friendly and easy going. Now I am anxious, cranky and quiet. I force myself to go to work, I force myself to attend functions for work and for pleasure. I put on a happy face even though I don't feel happy. I have 3 beautiful boys, a wonderful husband, my perfect job and a new home. I have everything I ever wanted but yet I feel alone and anxious all the time. Everything makes me upset or angry and I just want to stay inside and never leave the house. I have good days but mostly bad. I have no interest in the things that I normally love to do. This had been happening to me for a while now but the last straw was about 6 months ago my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and just 3 weeks ago she passed away and this horrible event has magnified my feelings a100%. I am lost and feel alone even worse then before. I am having a hard time even putting on the happy face for my family. I took 6 weeks leave from work and I am already anxious about going back even though I still have 3 weeks before I do. I am a mess. My doctor tells me to go for walks ,eat healthy and relax more. Seriously? like I haven't already tried all that. She gave me a website to find a councillor in my area...just one more thing I have to do myself. I feel like I have too much responsibility right now I cant handle and no one understands. I am totally overwhelmed and people just keeping coming at me with more. I just wish I could be back to the normal me!!

[jj]

Hey sugarkiss, big hugs to you, im sorry youre having such a hard time, and really sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, i understand how loss of a parent can make things a million times harder.

I think the doc is right that walks and eating well can help, it can seem patronising when they say that though, i think its just to remind us that little things can help. What do you enjoy doing? Is there anything you enjoy doing still?

The break from work sounds good, how have you been spending your time?

Did your doc talk about trying medication? That might help just give you a boost so you feel a little more motivated to do the things that help you feel good again.

What can you handle and what cant you? Could you pass off some of the responsibilites to someone else for the moment whilst youre having difficulties to help you out?

Youre on a break remember, make sure you are taking that break !

Best wishes for you

Jj

[4EverMe]

Hello SugarKiss,
First of all, I am SO VERY sorry your Mother passed away! It's amazing to me you're holding it together as much as you are!! My Mom has a number of serious issues w/her health. Recently was in hospital, ICU for weeks, then physical therapy. Her insurance ran out so she's home.

This is about YOU though! My apology for rambling. My opinion is that you have a type of depression that could be causing anxiety because you don't understand what's going on with you in this sense. It could also be an anxiety issue that's causing depressive feelings because you don't wanna go or do things you once had no issues with. Hope this is making sense! Is your doctor a psychiatrist? You need evaluation and maybe medication.Some of my mental issues started like yours did. A couple of my problems are depression and panic disorder.

I wish you all the best! (Please PM me if you wish). HUGS around you...

[SugarKiss43]

Hey, its been a couple weeks and I have followed the dr's advise with the eating healthy, walking and I started a multivitamin but I really have to say I don't feel any better. I have a good day and think "yay I am getting back on track" then I have 4 bad days and I feel worse. I go back to the dr in 3 days and I think I will try the meds she is offering because I just don't know what else to do. I have also put in the call to see a psychiatrist and have an appointment coming up next week.
I am still not back to work but I am afraid the dr will send me back when I see her this week. The idea horrifies me and I get all freaked out and panicky just thinking about it. Anything busy or confusing or crowded overwhelms me still. I usually love to cook but couldn't care less right now and gardening has always been a love of mine and this year I haven't even planted one flower pot or any bulbs. This is so frustrating , I am trying but seem like I get no where. My son turns 6 next week and he wanted a party so I planned a day at the movies for 6 of his friends and now I am anxious about that but I cant cancel because he will be devastated and I wont do that to him but I will be a wreck until its over. *sigh* just want to be back to my old self.

[wally_286]

Sugarkiss,
I'm also very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. That's never an easy thing to deal with.
I have to say, the feelings you're describing are similar to mine. I too have a great job, home, and people that care about me but feel loneliness and anxiety. I've had such a difficult time accepting my depression but the more I learn about it, the more I realize it can affect anyone, it doesn't discriminate. Please hang in there, I hope the meds and therapy are helpful. Keep us updated, we want to see you get back to your old self too.

[Frame]

Hi SugarKiss43;

Sometimes it feels like our whole body is in a vise doesn't it? God, everything your posting seems so familiar; doing everything you told (that will fix you up); struggling to find a pill, or a discipline, or an attitude to resolve the issue; feeling you have to normalize your life for the sake of those around you (some you love, some not so much, but your responsible to all of them).

Lately I've been staring at such a grey hazy horizon that I can't really give much advice.

But one thing comes to mind, which a councilor mentioned long ago. She said I'm paraphrasing here); when things are bad they'll be just as bad as they ever were. The lows never really even out or get shallower. But with determination an practice, the space between the lows, where life has meaning will get wider and the time we spend in the lows will get shorter.