Depression Understood Forums

Honestly I dont even know why im doing this. Its not like anything will come of me posting this but I suppose I just feel the need to finally say something even if it is anonymous over the internet.

I am a 25 year old male and have been depressed almost as long as I can remember. As a kid I was always shy and very quiet, I was never very popular in school but not quite an outcast either and I had friends....just never a whole lot of them.

When I was about 10 or so is when I remember first getting the depression and frequent suicidal urges. My friends were starting relationships and I felt like I never would experience that. I had a few girls that I actually really like approach me and even ask me out but I declined. I felt they were just so far out of my league and didnt think they would like me at all.

This continued throughout middle school and high school as well. Even in high school I was never an outcast, just the quiet guy in the background I suppose. Once I graduated I never saw many of my friends again since they went off to college or the military and I never had any goal for my life. I also dont drink or smoke (never have tried either of them) which seemed was all my remaining friends wanted to do, so I stopped seeing any of them. With no real practical interests or skills I didnt see much point in wasting money with college so I just sort of sat around for about a year.

Around the age of 19 or 20 I finally starting driving for the first time and got my job working at a dairy farm which is where I still work. Its a lot of hours (around 60 a week) and I work a pretty crazy schedule. It leaves very little time to have any sort of social life, and I think I have social anxiety anyway. Not like theres really any places for me to go out to anyway, I dont drink so bars are out of the question.

I honestly dont have any friends anymore, well outside of online friends I suppose. Im a pretty avid gamer and I have my friends that I play games with but thats about it for me.

I have never been in a relationship with a girl still at the age of 25. Im a virgin as well and those two things are really not something any girl is interested in, so I feel like the older I get the more helpless my situation is.

Its not like im that unnatractive I suppose. My job is pretty physically demanding and I work out 3-4 times a week. Still, im a bit on the skinny side at only 140 pounds and only 5"10 I guess.

I just really lack any sort of confidence with anything I do in life. Im not sure if im just afraid of failure or what but im already convinced that I will never succeed at something before I even attempt it. I really do wish I could stop with the self loathing but I can hardly ever find something good about myself.

After writing this it just made me even more depressed than when I started, but I have never talked to anyone about depression. I dont expect to get any help from this and I know I wont, there was just some part of me that wanted to let this out I suppose. Ive had suicidal thoughts since I was somewhere around 10 I think but its never something I planned or considered doing. Its more something I always wanted but would never do because I always think about what it would do to my family.

I just want to reply to the tiny part of your post in which you say that you think that women aren't interested in virgins.

There's some truth to that, but it's not the truth you think: if all a woman knows about you is that you're 25 and a virgin, alarm bells may ring in her head, because that's not average. She may wonder if there's something wrong with you, wonder why no woman in a quarter century found you appealing enough to sleep with. And a lot of 25 year old virgin males are that way because there *is* something wrong with them. But from what I can see from your post, the reason you're a virgin is that you have a tendency to depression, and, more important, are shy and have a confidence problem. That doesn't make you a bad potential partner, it's merely limited your opportunities to connect with women. If you can put down your self-loathing for a moment and look around you objectively, I have no doubt at all that you'll see *plenty* of men who have a lot less to offer but have found good partners anyway, simply because they've had more opportunities to connect.

Now, as to the idea that women aren't interested in men just because they're sexually inexperienced, that really puzzles me. I've heard it a lot from men, but only from one woman (who's deranged, so I discount her opinion). Think about it: to start with, the sex act itself is really pretty simple, which is why we've survived as a species. And there is *no* man who has honed his foreplay through experience to a point that he is the perfect performer for every woman. I am completely confident about this. Why? Because--trust me on this--there is an *astounding* variation in what women do and don't like. So in the end it all comes down to, yes, *caring* what your partner likes, and learning by paying attention to her responses (and listening to what she says, if you're lucky enough to be with someone willing to tell you). In other words, it's a whole new learning experience with each new partner. So your virginity is actually a gift to whatever woman you start a relationship with: you're eager to please and have no bad habits (from her viewpoint) to unlearn. Will it be awkward the first few times? Probably. But that passes in no time.

(BTW, people laugh when I say this, but... are you good at petting animals, i.e., do they seem to really enjoy it, look forward to seeing you the next time you visit? If so, then you're on the right track, because you're thinking like the animal a bit, empathizing with it. You ought to see how the deranged woman I mentioned pets a cat or dog: always against the grain of the hair, and she shoves the forehead skin down into the animal's eyes. I have no doubt at all what the men in any of her [all very short] relationships thought of their times in bed. I sure hope she never sees this and recognizes herself.)

celegansium has hit the nail on the head concerning women not liking virgins or sexually inexperienced males. I'm not a woman but I have known one or two and trust me, it is extremely unlikely women are avoiding you for the reasons you think. If I were a betting man, and I am, I'd bet money to donut holes your lack of selfconfidence is what is deviding you from the females. Might I sugest you befriend some of the women at this siite and have them help you with your confidence. The only way you're going to become more confident is to talk with women and listen to what they say about you. Try it you might like it. You'll certainly learn something about yourself. Oh, the book says you weigh 150 to 60 lbs for your height but if your comfortable at 140 don't change.

Dougsan: thanks for adding your insight, because my (admittedly non-psychic) gut tells me that OP has a lot of potential.

I have a few more narrow comments. I'm not sure that he meant that women don't want to go on a date or two because of the virginity issue. After all, in most contact conversations it's usually not among the first topics to be discussed. I'm thinking that he's eying how it might affect the relationship in the future.

We like to think of making connections as something spiritual, or that we have to wait for our one "soul mate" out there for us in the world. But in truth it's usually largely about numbers (encountering a lot of women) and, for men, at least, the appearance of confidence. I've seen a lot of men with, frankly, repulsive ways of approaching women, be quite successful, because they didn't let the large numbers of rejections get to them, and kept pushing. It's funny, because our society gives us conflicting advice: "Just be yourself around women," and "fake confidence until you believe it yourself." And unfortunately they're *both* sort of true, depending on the circumstances. OP probably will have to do a fair amount of acting more aggressive than his nature tells him to, for a while.

What OP said about girls asking him out and him turning them down struck a chord with me, because it's not what you'd expect. I consider myself on the shy side, and *certainly* was in high school. There was a girl in school whom I absolutely adored, and who used to throw herself at me in ways that, looking back, were really embarrassing. But I was too terrified to take her up on anything, and probably came across as stuck up--as I so often did, unintentionally. Funny thing how many shy guys use the girlcatching technique of seeming to ignore the girls they're most interested in. It simply doesn't work that way.

About the weight tables. I think they're so unreliable. Basically, if you know something about your general level of fitness and look in the mirror unclothed, you pretty much know where you stand (unless you have body dysmorphic issues). I'm about OP's height, and at the fittest, strongest point of my life, I weighed 155 or so. I met a woman (future romance) whom I hadn't seen in a year, and, fishing for compliments, asked in a roundabout way how she thought I looked. I'll never forget the way she flat-out sucked in her cheeks to approximate a skeleton, said I was way too skinny. As in unattractive. No ego reward that day.

As for OP, his weight isn't freaky low, and isn't by any means a dealbreaker. However, I do remember reading that he had a 60 hr/wk physically demanding job, and was working out 3-5 times per week as well. (I'm assuming that's mostly weightlifting, because a lot of cardio after that amount of work is crazy.) When I read 140 lbs., it was clear that something wasn't working as intended. 3-5 times in the weight room is too much under the circumstances; he's just breaking down muscle before it has a chance to build from last session's breakdown. Twice a week is plenty, and of course he should keep his calorie input (esp. protein) up. But again, only a fraction of women will pass him up for being 140, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. (Somebody please suggest a fresher cliche for me to replace that with.)

From a 25 year old to another . I'm a 25 year old female and me as a person would never judge a man who is a female. At the end of the day huni you clearly have confidence issues.. If you ever come across a woman who turns er nose up at the fact your a virgin it just proves she's small minded and judgemental. Not worth it. But once you find someone special enough and who understands you then everything will seem right. Itl be more special. And to be honest iv only been with my ex . After he hurt me I just haven't wanted anyone but now I'm starting to get my feelings back. Even though I'm not a virgin I'm petrified to sleep with anyone else as I knw every individual likes different things in the bedroom. But it's just all about learning. Also for me if I slept with a virgin I wouldn't worry about sti's as I know they'd be clean. Try seeing your doctor to refer you for therapy. And if you ever need to chat then just send me a message. Xx

Any girl does not like you for that reason not worth it really at all never had boyfriend and if met guy like that it hurt and nice guys like you id like more lots girls think you more kind special.

Okay,
Here goes...Women tend to like confident men. I sure do! I'm a lady and I would have no problem starting a relationship with a 25 yr old man who's a virgin. But I'd have to like him and observe the way he treats me. If he seems attracted to me but runs away, I may assume he's either playin hard to get, stuckup, or acting just plain skittish. It's nice to see a man stand tall, take charge, and TALK TO ME if he likes me!! There have been times when men have asked me out that some looked a bit nervous. But they showed some spunk as well! SO, then I'm thinkin--WOW. This guy seemed nervous BUT he must like me or he wouldn't have even TRIED. THAT DOES COUNT. Just something to think about. Try.Try.Try again! What's the very worst that can happen to you?? And fake some of the confidence if you have to. With time, you'll find out what works and your confidence WILL grow from it naturally. Maybe you're doing TOO much mental rehearsing? Good luck.