Please help if possible.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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timmey99
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 4:46 pm

Please help if possible.

Postby timmey99 » Wed May 15, 2013 5:08 pm

Hi All,
If someone had told me a couple of weeks ago i would be doing this i would never have believed it but here i am. My partner,lover, best friend, my world for the last 21 years told me 10 days ago she no longer wants to be with me and is in love with someone else.I know my behavior led to this as its always the case with me when someone loves me i become totally insecure and gradually grind them down, constantly testing them & questioning everything they do.The thing is this person is my whole life we did everything together and had so much to look forward to and i am totally absorbed with thoughts of ending my life. We lived separately, me on my own her with her son from a previous marriage, it never seemed as though i was on my own though as we spoke on the phone all the time when not together. Now my whole world has come crashing down and my flat feels like a prison and i am in the loneliest place in the world in my head, i think of her constantly and the things we can never do again, i dont want to wake up in a morning and im off work and on antidepressants. I really didnt know it was possible to feel pain like this, i dont think i want to die but the thought of her living her life with someone else is to much to bear.Sorry for rambling on and any replies would be appreciated as a feel i desperately need help, if not thanks for reading.

jj
Posts: 411
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2011 8:24 am
Location: UK
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Postby jj » Thu May 16, 2013 2:08 pm

massive hugs to you timmey, im sorry you are feeling so much pain at the moment. all i can say is that it will get better, it will take time, and youve got to keep holding on till it does get better, because it will.

your heart needs time to heal, so please try to give yourself that time.

do you have support around you, friends/family? a support network is really important at a time like this, and you have us here, too. you're not alone in this although i know you feel really lonely at the moment, but know that we understand.

heartache is difficult enough without having depression on top of it so i empathise with you a lot. keep on taking it easy, little steps.

sending you all the good energies i can muster up,

jj

timmey99
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 4:46 pm

Postby timmey99 » Thu May 16, 2013 2:51 pm

Thank you so much jj for your kind words it means a lot to know other people understand. I do have family but we do not see a lot of one & other and to be honest im quite ashamed of how ive become and if possible would rather they didnt know, i know i need help and im trying my best to get some but at the moment its nice to know there's other people out there that care.
thank you.

celegansium
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun May 19, 2013 3:21 am
Location: US

Postby celegansium » Sun May 19, 2013 3:43 am

Timmey: Your post really affected me. Made me cry, and I cry maybe once a year. Can you think of any way I can help you, besides letting you know that I care and really feel your pain?

Have you tried going into the depression chat rooms here? I have. I haven't talked too much there, because there are a million people there, and messages from so many people keep flowing by, and I'm a little awkward in situations like that. But the people there are very friendly and helpful, and willing to chat with you one-on-one. There's something about it that makes me feel less alone in the world, even if I just sit and watch it all rush by.

I know what it's like to have a huge hunk of what you are ripped away from you like that, and I also know how much worse it is when you think it's your fault. I don't know if it helps for me to say that, but when it happened to me one of the worst things was the way the world seemed not to notice or care. That's why I suggest the chat rooms.

Anyway, this is the first time I've used this forum, so I don't know much about how it works, but I'm willing to listen at any time. Take care.

dougsan
Posts: 104
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2013 1:59 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Postby dougsan » Mon May 20, 2013 5:33 pm

Yes, I too offer any assistance you might think I can provide. Your sadness is so evident it hurts. Lots of hugs and cuddles. I do hope you have some support to fall back on. If you don't why not trying to use the members of DU?

Bright skies and Rainbows

timmey99
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 4:46 pm

Postby timmey99 » Tue May 21, 2013 7:50 am

Thanks Dougsan as with all the other replies your kind words do help, to be honest at the moment even coming on here is an effort but maybe one day i wont feel this way!!

ryan00
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu May 23, 2013 3:16 am

Postby ryan00 » Thu May 23, 2013 4:50 am

Timmey: it will take time but definitely you will be healed. try diverting your thoughts to some other things. for example try to spend your weekend in your favourite vacation spot. spend time for yourself. do things that makes you happy.as an alternative you can join a yoga class, this is the best way to come out of this fast. meditation will heal and soothe your mind and body.
take care timmey, have a nice day.

akahachi
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 10:08 pm

Postby akahachi » Sun May 26, 2013 11:31 pm

Timmey, it sounds as though this has been a problem for you for a long time and although you may not believe it right now, this isn't your fault.

You said you grind people down with questions and test them, right? Because you start feeling insecure? That is exactly what I do as well and I have depression and anxiety and just started treatment for it. That feeling of insecurity could very well be the chemicals in your head playing tricks on you and I would highly recommend that you talk to somebody about it and get it figured out so that you can start feeling better about yourself and start to get over your recent break up.

That said, I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you have been with for so long. I'm so sorry and I hope you're OK.
xx

timmey99
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 4:46 pm

Postby timmey99 » Mon May 27, 2013 4:33 pm

Thank you all for the above posts, it does help. To be honest things are getting worse for me, my life is now completely empty and im consumed by this feeling of loneliness i have never felt before,also i have been drinking heavily which i know is not the answer but thats where im at right now.

xll3
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:03 am
Location: USA

hello timmey

Postby xll3 » Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:15 am

I think i feel the same way you are feeling. My husband has left me and in a few weeks it will be our anniversary. I havent started drinking, because i hate the after effect. I have started taking antidepressants. At first i did just fine but now i feel like his dark cloud is over me again. I just want to end it all. I know God is here to help us and get us threw this mess. But it just feel like its never gonna get better... people say it will, but WHEN is my question :?:

ajajajaj
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:51 am

From Hong Kong

Postby ajajajaj » Sat Jun 01, 2013 11:19 am

Hi Timmey: It's the first time I visit a site like this one. I think, like you, I meant to come to seek help but soon found myself reaching out my hand helping others who are sad.

I had been with my girlfriend for 6 years and last August she broke up with me and soon went out with another guy. She left me because she thought I didn't look far enough to prepare for our future. It was justified though as I was obsessed with my personal wants.

Like the male lead in the movie "Silver Lining", I worked so hard trying to win her back. I landed a job, and took up three more part-time jobs. I set up several bank accounts and started saving money. I went to the gym trying to be in the best shape. I enrolled for a Master's degree. Apart from all of the above, I felt very depressed. I repeated the same stories again and again to many of my friends. I read tons of books. All of those help! The former directed me to a direction where hope seemingly waiting for my grasp; while the latter helped me to get the bad feelings off my chest.

My girlfriend and I didn't end there. I tried to show her that I was working on it and it took awhile to gain her trust in me. However, her relationship with the other guy lingered. Even if I found myself being with her physically, her mind seemed to wander off to him. This is, i guess, where the sense of insecurity originates. Insecurity, in my opinion, is reciprocal. On one side, you can say, I don't trust her; on the other, you can also say, she made me feel insecure. You might be responsible for the outcome, but you certainly is not the only one to blame.

I have never been a drinker. I tried a bit of it but was scared away by the after effect. It's been almost a year since my girlfriend and I have been in a poor relationship. I am still trying to mend it, but I have also spent a lot of time to work on emotion management. I would suggest you read the following books, which helped me a great deal, and I hope they will do good to you.

Happiness in Hard Times
Choice Theory
The Art of Loving
Five Love Languages
The Rules of Love
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love

I have read and re-read Happiness in Hard times. Choice Theory and The Rules of Love helped me a lot. The Art of Loving helped me understand more about myself. I hope you win learn something from those books.

To be honest, I still love her. It's just a few days ago, at the time I thought we were on our way to a better relationship, she met the guy again. It broke my heart. I called her and asked her not to find me again unless she has made a decision that she wanted to be with me. Romantic love requires the effort and endeavor of both parties. Remember, I would expect a lot of ups and downs in the months ahead. It's fine to be sad. I feel crying a great relief. I think you should find someone to talk to and cry whenever you feel like it.

Finally, there is one thing we are alike. I did not want my parents know about this and I hate to put up a face. For this reason, I stayed at the office long enough to make sure that they would be in bed by the time I got home and it has lasted for almost a year. A friend of mine always say to me, "Just acknowledge that you are working on it and you deserve to be happy." It takes some time. Good luck!

timmey99
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 4:46 pm

Postby timmey99 » Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:57 pm

Hi x113 & ajajajaj,
I wish i knew the answer to WHEN will things get better, every day i hate waking up & all i look forward to is sleeping again at night.I am totally alone, most of my old friends have moved on, my whole life was my partner & that was enough for me as i thought it was her, how wrong i was.We have still been in contact as she is "worried" about me & that is nice for me to still have some contact but its not the same & my heart aches for more & all the time she is starting a new relationship which is killing me. I loved our life together we did such a lot but because of that i have constant reminders of the things we did, i truly dont know how much more of this i can stand!!

Thanks aj for the book recommendations, i shall maybe try them.

xll3
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:03 am
Location: USA

Postby xll3 » Sun Jun 02, 2013 10:55 am

WOW its is excatly how i feel. I put all my focus on my husband and it just sucks when you love someone so much, and that love is not returned.

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mistystarshine
Posts: 33
Joined: Fri May 10, 2013 8:43 pm

Postby mistystarshine » Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:39 pm

gomenasai. (means "I'm sorry" in Japanese)

So you're involved with a love conflict, huh? Well, it's mostly the girl's fault, but it also has something to do with how you reacted. Try to just forget about her. Over time, days will pass without even a thought of her. Sure, you've been together your whole lives, and she decides to turn away from you. You have 3 choices. You can dwell over this forever, and be stuck in pain. You can forget about her and be happy, and maybe even get another girl. The third choice, is to love your partner, even though she is with someone else. Become friends with her, and grab other friends too. You'll distract yourself from your pain, and because you are still friends with your un-lover, the problem is solved.

I suspect you will choose either the second or third choice, but the first has nothing wrong with it. But if you DO end up choosing it, I am very sorry, and I really hope your life gets better.

timmey99
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 4:46 pm

Postby timmey99 » Thu Jun 06, 2013 4:11 pm

Thank you Mistystarshine, what you say makes a lot of sense. I dont know which option i will take i'd like to think it will be 2 or 3 but at the moment the pain seems to get deeper everyday.


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