My story...?
Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 11:42 am
I've been bottling this up for a long time and I need to get it out... I can't hold it in any more. So here goes...
When I was in primary school (grade 1 - 7) I have always been the odd one out, the nerd the loser, whatever you want to call it. People teased and mocked me and broke me down. It made me feel worthless and pathetic; my schoolwork suffered, but I didn't care. All I worried about was to get people to like me.
I'm an only child, meaning I was alone all day when I got home until my parents came home from work. When they did, they were always tired and moody, and they never talked to me (by talk I mean really talk, heart to heart). I wanted to tell them so badly about what the other kids were saying to me and about me, but it seemed like I was in their way. So I kept quiet.
I met my best friend in 3rd grade. We were really close, best buddies. Almost every weekend we would hang out. But his dad got a job in New Zealand and they had to move. I was heartbroken because now I literally had nobody.
During break I would sit alone in a corner, trying not to attract the other kids' attention. It didn't always work and they would often pick on me.
I had considered suicide many times, but I have always been too afraid of death (ironically). So I cut.
This went on until I went to high school. Most of the kids went to a different one than me so I was relieved, and I decided I would start over. It went great, and I met my current best friend in grade 8. It was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life; no more picking on me, and it seemed people didn't take notice of me.
But my parents were still too busy for me... Honestly, as Im sitting here typing this I try to remember the last time they told me they love me, and
I can't come up with an answer. All they ever tell me is my grades are not good enough, or this is not good enough, or hat is not done right, or whatever. Criticism is the order of the day, everyday; but that's only when they bother talking to me.
All I ever wanted in my whole life was to be loved. I wanted somebody to hug me and tell me they do. But I got nothing. Nobody.
Two years ago a new girl joined my class. I got her number and we started texting, and became friends. She was really great and we could talk for hours... And I fell in love. But there was a problem... She was mixed race, and I was white.
I knew it could never work, and I knew my parents would never accept her. But I could not let her go. I just couldn't. She filled the hole that my parents had left. She was the one I talked to when I couldn't take it anymore. She was the one who loved me when nobody else would.
We dated in secret for 6 months. Long story short, my mother found out about it, and forced me to break up with her "so I would not give the family a bad name" or something. I was broken. I had no choice.... I knew I had to do it, else my parents would reject me forever... So I met this girl one last time, and I had to look into her eyes and tell her it was over. I've hated myself from that day.
My only source of love was gone.
People say that young people can't fall in love or they don't know what love is or stuff like that. I'm telling you right now that that is a lie. You know when you really love someone, and I really loved this girl.
It's been 5 months since the breakup... At first it was hard, but I got used to the fact of not having that "loved"-feeling... But when I missed her I would listen to our song (Vanilla Twilight - Owl City) and that really helped. I had deleted her number to help me forget.
But about a week ago she texted me, asked me for help with some school assignment.. On her IM profile was a pic of her with her new boyfriend, and her status said "My Vanilla Twilight <3". That was the last push... I just lost control... I wanted to cut and not stop. The hurt inside just didnt want to go away and I've been crying every night for the last 2 weeks. I still feel it this moment. I'm not even a memory to her, she's replaced me completely with this new guy... I still love her so so much.. I know its wrong to be jealous.. But I am..
I just don't know which way anymore...
This might sound stupid and pathetic.. Sorry it is so long. But Im just so lost and alone.
And thanks for reading...
When I was in primary school (grade 1 - 7) I have always been the odd one out, the nerd the loser, whatever you want to call it. People teased and mocked me and broke me down. It made me feel worthless and pathetic; my schoolwork suffered, but I didn't care. All I worried about was to get people to like me.
I'm an only child, meaning I was alone all day when I got home until my parents came home from work. When they did, they were always tired and moody, and they never talked to me (by talk I mean really talk, heart to heart). I wanted to tell them so badly about what the other kids were saying to me and about me, but it seemed like I was in their way. So I kept quiet.
I met my best friend in 3rd grade. We were really close, best buddies. Almost every weekend we would hang out. But his dad got a job in New Zealand and they had to move. I was heartbroken because now I literally had nobody.
During break I would sit alone in a corner, trying not to attract the other kids' attention. It didn't always work and they would often pick on me.
I had considered suicide many times, but I have always been too afraid of death (ironically). So I cut.
This went on until I went to high school. Most of the kids went to a different one than me so I was relieved, and I decided I would start over. It went great, and I met my current best friend in grade 8. It was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life; no more picking on me, and it seemed people didn't take notice of me.
But my parents were still too busy for me... Honestly, as Im sitting here typing this I try to remember the last time they told me they love me, and
I can't come up with an answer. All they ever tell me is my grades are not good enough, or this is not good enough, or hat is not done right, or whatever. Criticism is the order of the day, everyday; but that's only when they bother talking to me.
All I ever wanted in my whole life was to be loved. I wanted somebody to hug me and tell me they do. But I got nothing. Nobody.
Two years ago a new girl joined my class. I got her number and we started texting, and became friends. She was really great and we could talk for hours... And I fell in love. But there was a problem... She was mixed race, and I was white.
I knew it could never work, and I knew my parents would never accept her. But I could not let her go. I just couldn't. She filled the hole that my parents had left. She was the one I talked to when I couldn't take it anymore. She was the one who loved me when nobody else would.
We dated in secret for 6 months. Long story short, my mother found out about it, and forced me to break up with her "so I would not give the family a bad name" or something. I was broken. I had no choice.... I knew I had to do it, else my parents would reject me forever... So I met this girl one last time, and I had to look into her eyes and tell her it was over. I've hated myself from that day.
My only source of love was gone.
People say that young people can't fall in love or they don't know what love is or stuff like that. I'm telling you right now that that is a lie. You know when you really love someone, and I really loved this girl.
It's been 5 months since the breakup... At first it was hard, but I got used to the fact of not having that "loved"-feeling... But when I missed her I would listen to our song (Vanilla Twilight - Owl City) and that really helped. I had deleted her number to help me forget.
But about a week ago she texted me, asked me for help with some school assignment.. On her IM profile was a pic of her with her new boyfriend, and her status said "My Vanilla Twilight <3". That was the last push... I just lost control... I wanted to cut and not stop. The hurt inside just didnt want to go away and I've been crying every night for the last 2 weeks. I still feel it this moment. I'm not even a memory to her, she's replaced me completely with this new guy... I still love her so so much.. I know its wrong to be jealous.. But I am..
I just don't know which way anymore...
This might sound stupid and pathetic.. Sorry it is so long. But Im just so lost and alone.
And thanks for reading...