Depression Understood Forums

Will where do I start?... Life has felt like a uphill battle the majority of my life. My parents split up when I was 10 and my world fell apart. Since then i've struggled! I started self harming at 13 and was diagnosed with depression at 15. I've been on and off meds since I was 18 (mainly off because I hate the social stigma that comes with them)
Just over 18 months ago everything came crashing down. I lost my partner and my job and felt I had nothing left to live for. After an awful experience I promised my doctor I'd stay on the meds until he said different which I have. That was also the last time I self harmed. My life has changed so much since then. I've got a new partner who I've been with for a year, we've just got a flat together, I have a new job and was feeling good. My doc suggested it was a good time to come off them. That was 3 months ago. I've bought the dose down gradually until I finished them completely 3 weeks ago. I hate to admit that I've been ignoring all the warning signs but i'm back in a dark place. I'm crying all the time and snapping at my partner and worst of all the thoughts of self harm are back! I haven't given in so far but I don't know how much longer I can hold out for. It's been over 18 months without doing it and I don't want that to change.
I know the obvious answer is to go back on the tabs which will take away all this so why an I so against it?! I don't know what to do!

hypnotherapy works for me to take the edge off things.
i'm sorry your having a hard time.
vitamins can help just not getting enough sunshine can give people depression, it has been shown that vitamin d tablets had a remarkable effect on peoples moods.
there are alternatives to meds.
hang in there , i hope you are feeling better soon.keep going.

delta, is there a reason why you don't want to go back on your meds? I never liked the side effects of my meds but now I'm on Cymbalta and the side effects are acceptable except

You know you have to get out of the darkness and quickly. Try other methods of course but don't wait too long. Your partner is going through a difficult time dealing with your darkness.

In a way i've been really lucky in the sense I don't get any side effects. I tried Fluoxitine but it made me feel sick all the time but since being on Citalopram I haven't had any issues.
My only problem is embarrasment. I know that sounds stupid but I hate the fact that people would be looking at me thinking how lucky I am in my life and yet I need tablets. The reason I know people will be thinking this, is because this is what I think.
I have a partner who i've now got a flat with, a job and I know that he loves me. Its everything and more i've always wished for so why can't I be happy?!

I know that I don't really have any option though.

Embarassment? Beside the bipolar/depression I have Tourettes and of all the noices I could yell out it seems to almost always be. Nice in a theatre or restaurant! That is embarassing. A cute side story, My wife and I order our meals in an Indian rest. I ordered very hot, against the recommendation of the waitress.

The waitress placed our meals on the table just as I was beginning a MS nerve jump and Tourette's impulse. As the chair and I go flying through the air I scream. The waitress, without missing a beat says, "I didn't think the meal was that hot." Terriffic? I thought so. All me embarassment melted away into laughter.

I too have what would be called a good life. My wife and I have been married for 45 years. We've managed to travel extensively and retired early at 62. Most people, especially our families, think we have perfect lives. They aren't here when I lose all touch with reality or have to be ferried to the five doctors I see within every three week periiod. They don't know about my having to spend a few days in a psych ward getting back to reality every five or six months. I feel guilt as a result of the strain my condition puts on my wife. I really can't function in a group of more than three anymore, I get confused and the confusion leads to a panic attack.

So, life could be better for both of us but we both know how much worse it can be. Give your flat mate a big kiss and I hope you have a better time for the remainder of the week, at least.

That's what I mean though. I've just read your story and think that i'm lucky so why don't / can't I feel that. I live in a works where this black cloud hangs over my head. Every one satyrs that I should look and think about the positives in life and I try, more than they will ever know but ill have random 'black' thoughts. They are normally things that have gone wrong i'm the past. They are thoughts that will pop into my head without a trigger.
I know my only option is medication. I've tried therapy but it hasn't helped me.
My biggest problem is I just want to be normal!