Depression Understood Forums

I am married to a wonderful man and we do have children. But I am not happy. I am almost 40 and am still in love with my high school sweetheart. I know he is my soul mate but I let him go. What did I know at age 17. I think of him every single day. He even creeps into my dreams at night.
We were each others first loves, our first intimate encounters were with each other, and he was my night in shining armor when I was beat by my father. He was just a teenager himself but went down to confront my father. But being 17 I wanted to experience life and not be tied to one person so I broke up with him.

Being from a semi small town people tend to tell me all about him even after all these years. He is married and had 4 children and lives only about 10 miles from me.

Just when I think I am getting past it, he pops into my dream like he did last night. And the dream is so vivid. I can smell him, feel him, hear him. Usually in the dream he is married to his wife and lets me know he is happy with the way his life turned out and I wake up feeling like I just got dumped. My heart physically hurts and I have tears in my eyes. Last night though the dream was different. I found out he got divorced, and we ran into each other and I was finally able to spill my guts to him and let him know that I never stopped loving him and I was sorry that I ever broke up with him because he was the best thing that ever happened to me. We hugged, kissed, talked about old times and our feelings. The dream was like it was really happening. Then I woke up. I was devastated.

I know I made my life the way it is. I let him go. I am now married with kids and don't get me wrong, I love all of them, but I feel like this is not the life I was supposed to have. Sometimes I wish since I know I can't have him, that I wish I could just sleep forever because I can have him in my dreams.

I feel like I messed up my life. My husband is a good man, but he isn't everything I want or need. It may sound selfish or whatever, but I want a husband who is going to be the "man" in the relationship. Someone who makes sure things get fixed, takes care of the yard, garbage, vehicles without me harping on him. My husband spends more time on the computer than anything. I want him to be more take charge. He is very passive.

I have a very bad self image and it is hard for me to be intimate with my husband. I keep gaining weight and I know its because I am depressed. I am a bad stress eater. That is one reason I would like him to be more take charge, and lead the way so to speak. But then also (sorry if to personal) he is having "troubles" in that department lately too, so that doesn't help.

I also love my kids, but I feel like a failure in that relationship to. My oldest thinks I am the worst mom because I take away his video games when he gets below a C in his classes. And my youngest I have no control over. Last night I had to take away video games from my oldest again because he is failing two classes, and now he is not speaking to me.

I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life. I wish I could go back in time and get a do over. I always say that I hope there is life after death but its the same life but choose your own adventure so I can make different choices.

I sometimes feel like running away and finding a small town where know one knows me and starting over, never getting married or involved with anyone. Other times I feel like just going to sleep and never waking up.

Other times I wonder what would happen if he ever did get a divorce and came looking for me. Would I leave my husband for him? Or stay where I am for the sake of the family, and continue to be unhappy.

Feeling like this really sucks. This was not how I envisioned my life when I was a teenager. I feel like I am still that 17 year old girl stuck in this adult body and don't know how to get past this.

The reactions you get from your children are, to me, the kids being kids. Your inability to be more of an effective authority figure is probably tied up with your severely low self esteem.

The life your living is the one you chose. To get a “do over” you know you’d have to walk away from your husband and, quite possibly, your children. The ramifications of this act would probably put a person as sensitive as you seem to be into the arms of a psychiatrist for a very long time.

I hope you also know starting up with your old love would not work either. He has moved forward. If there was even a small ember alight in him for you he would have crossed the 10 miles which separate the two of you.

Reading your words show me a person who is deeply depressed and has no course of action to attempt corrections. I suggest you see a therapist, church leader, etc. as soon as possible and help them to understand your feelings. I suspect they will recommend a marriage councilor because your difficulties appear to be based on problems in your marriage.

The idea of you seeing yourself stuck in the body of a 17 year old with no escape is often how I feel. The idea that, “I should have control of me. I’m not a child. Why can’t I do what I need to do?” for me is one of he indicators that me depression is deepening, that I can feel my control slipping away. The over eating and loosing concern of how I look is also, for me an indicator of my depression slipping down. At the depths of my depression I have attempted to do very serious bodily harm to myself and others. I’ve gone without bathing or brushing my teeth for as long as two weeks. I don’t sleep when I’m depressed. I stay awake and pace. Losing sleep makes me weaker, less able to fight the depression. Not a pretty picture but there is treatment available.

I don’t know but I would wager your husband’s difficulties are a reflection of your depression. He sees you slowly spinning out of control and he neither knows why not how he can help you. A rotten place for someone who loves you to find themselves. Your children are fully aware of your problems. They might not know the whys but they know something is wrong with their mother. Get yourself better and I believe your children will act in more positives ways.

Please, if you do nothing else, talk with a professional and talk with your husband.

Bright skies and rainbows

i loved this guy and wasn't able to be with him either and i've had dreams with him as well, and it's so hard when you wake up and it's not the reality. i'm sorry you feel stuck in the past i just wanted you to know that. 4 years later and i'm struggling myself with letting go of him because of the reality of life and dealing with what we've got in front of us right now but i want to encourage you because i myself need some enouragement. i don't know how to help but i did just want to mention this resource because maybe it can help. they have a radio program that is for women and all the different issues they can go through in their marriages and with their children and with the way they think and expectations, etc etc. i hope that if you take a look at it you can see if just a little helps. Take care be blessed