Depression Understood Forums

I try so hard sometimes. I give little gifts to people, I write notes and lend my shoulder when they need to cry, I volunteer. But when it comes time for me to open up, they never believe that I could ever have been through those things or that I'm lying.
I blame myself for my mother not liking me. But I try really hard to make her proud and nothing seems to work. My dad is an alcoholic.
I had a traumatic experience with a male doctor when I was fourteen (I was not raped or molested, just emotionally abused and it was one step away from pedophilia). I am now sixteen. My next doctor made me repeat what I felt, and when I said that I felt stupid, she'd always say "that's the point".
I have no one. I don't understand why. I'm suicidal. I beat myself and hit my head on the wall when I can't sleep or when I'm upset.
I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and major anxiety disorder and I have bad reactions to medicine.
Help. Please. I am afraid that I won't be too afraid to kill myself. I'm starting to embrace the thought.

jts - There's lots of others here who can feel for you and don't want you to be rash or hurt yourself. But you do need to look at the crisis boards etc too

I found a crisis centre here for people like me and it did more than I could ever even have guessed.

I hope you can get help. and move forward from here.

Sometimes just get through the day, then you get to sleep where you can dream about anything you want. I know thats only a little escape but when your really down just getting through that day is enough. Try to enjoy having other people around, I'm by myself most and just talking to someone is a pleasure.

jts9024 you have to talk to a proessional, imemi directs you to a helping place. Please go there and find help. You can also read through some of the posts here to see others have the similiar to you and they can offer support. You are not alone as long as you can type.