What would I call this?
Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 8:48 am
Hey guys.This just happened a few minutes before and I am desperate to share this thing in my mind.I am not a native english speaker.So pardon my language.It all happened a few months before when I had taken an examination.I always excelled well in the training sessions before the examination and was expected to score the highest in the examination.But then things changed there.First I had a fight in the examination centre with my own mentor and it totally diverted my mind.I still forced my mind not to concentrate on petty things and to focus on the examn.Secondly, things did not happen the way it should have been in the examination too.I lost focus and could not really do my best.I was so worried for the next 2 days thinking why it all happened.Why the fight happened with my mentor (I really liked him until the incident happened), why did I lose focus etc.etc...These thoughts totally occupied my mind and I was not able to do anything other than thinking this in repeated cyclic thought pattern.
A few days passed away and I almost forgot what happened the other day. But still whenever the memories of the past came I decided never to meet my mentor again in my life time as I felt he was too rude the other day. Then my thoughts questioned me how my reaction will be if the results were declared and if I did not score what I was expected to. I was so doubtful and I used to convince myself telling that luck would favour me and things will happen my way.
Today a few minutes before I received a call from one of my neighbor who wanted to talk to my dad regarding some purchase. My dad in my opinion had been that sort of person who would never purchase even the necessary or domestic items and be stingy mostly. My dad was telling my neighbor to send the person who was supposed to do the work for us and get paid. I got shocked and wondered if it was really my dad for he never readily accepts to pay a huge sum for some work. My dad then asked me why the neighbor called me when he has never told anything to her about his wish to purchase the thing. I got shocked for a second and told him that I was not responsible for anything that happened and told him that the neighbour told me that it was my dad who has requested her regarding the purchase. My dad burst into laughter and told me that he never told her any such thing to her. I felt really bad because I almost had a feel that my dad has changed these days. I felt I was wrong this time and he is still the same. Then I sat depressed thinking why he has always been like that and my thoughts started focussing on another incident which happened a few days ago when I was cheated by two guys for a huge sum. I was wondering for a long time why things never go my way. Tears rolled over my eyes and I felt let down. Something flashed in my mind and I opened the examination site and to my shock found out that the results have been declared. When I checked the site I came to know that I have not actually scored what I was expected to. But to my own surprise, I did not really feel bad about it or even give it a thought. In few seconds my mind started telling me that this lady (the neighbor) was pre-destined to do that work for me. She was supposed to make me feel calm regarding my results by making me feel bad about something, thereby making the examination results a thing of lesser value for me. I was shocked and couldn't believe myself when such a thought flashed in my mind. PS: This lady usually never contacts us except for very rare occasions.
I almost convinced myself that it is predestination and the lady ought to do that for me. I couldn't think or accept anything outside that in that moment. Was it just a coincidence? Was I thinking and believing it in the same way like the religious people who believe in miracles? My heart was very light because it happened. Had the lady not called I am not sure how my reaction could have been for my failure or inability to accomplish what I wanted to. I doubted myself and thought if there was any logic in what I was thinking? But things seem to be lighter or I can say it was not as painful as I thought it would be. Or should I say that I was obsessed more with something else that this result thing did not even bother me a lot as I expected it to. I was so confused for sometime thinking in this manner.
A few days passed away and I almost forgot what happened the other day. But still whenever the memories of the past came I decided never to meet my mentor again in my life time as I felt he was too rude the other day. Then my thoughts questioned me how my reaction will be if the results were declared and if I did not score what I was expected to. I was so doubtful and I used to convince myself telling that luck would favour me and things will happen my way.
Today a few minutes before I received a call from one of my neighbor who wanted to talk to my dad regarding some purchase. My dad in my opinion had been that sort of person who would never purchase even the necessary or domestic items and be stingy mostly. My dad was telling my neighbor to send the person who was supposed to do the work for us and get paid. I got shocked and wondered if it was really my dad for he never readily accepts to pay a huge sum for some work. My dad then asked me why the neighbor called me when he has never told anything to her about his wish to purchase the thing. I got shocked for a second and told him that I was not responsible for anything that happened and told him that the neighbour told me that it was my dad who has requested her regarding the purchase. My dad burst into laughter and told me that he never told her any such thing to her. I felt really bad because I almost had a feel that my dad has changed these days. I felt I was wrong this time and he is still the same. Then I sat depressed thinking why he has always been like that and my thoughts started focussing on another incident which happened a few days ago when I was cheated by two guys for a huge sum. I was wondering for a long time why things never go my way. Tears rolled over my eyes and I felt let down. Something flashed in my mind and I opened the examination site and to my shock found out that the results have been declared. When I checked the site I came to know that I have not actually scored what I was expected to. But to my own surprise, I did not really feel bad about it or even give it a thought. In few seconds my mind started telling me that this lady (the neighbor) was pre-destined to do that work for me. She was supposed to make me feel calm regarding my results by making me feel bad about something, thereby making the examination results a thing of lesser value for me. I was shocked and couldn't believe myself when such a thought flashed in my mind. PS: This lady usually never contacts us except for very rare occasions.
I almost convinced myself that it is predestination and the lady ought to do that for me. I couldn't think or accept anything outside that in that moment. Was it just a coincidence? Was I thinking and believing it in the same way like the religious people who believe in miracles? My heart was very light because it happened. Had the lady not called I am not sure how my reaction could have been for my failure or inability to accomplish what I wanted to. I doubted myself and thought if there was any logic in what I was thinking? But things seem to be lighter or I can say it was not as painful as I thought it would be. Or should I say that I was obsessed more with something else that this result thing did not even bother me a lot as I expected it to. I was so confused for sometime thinking in this manner.