Depression Understood Forums

Hey guys... Well im new to this... Im 23 nearlly 24yrs old n have suffered wid depression or wa i believe to b depression since i was about 17 yrs old.. I have battled n battled beento hell an bk tried to kill meself a few times n still dnt feel like im on the mend as much as i know i am i keep endin up bk wer i strtd.. Its like notin i do is ever good enoufj for meself i dnt c that iv came far although sometimes i am quite proud of wa i av acheived i mean this time last yr i didnt have a job n now i do... I have a wonderful yet um supportive boyfriend who ino im pushin im away because im so scared of loosin him my imsecurites n psycotic outrageous turns r killin the relatioship n i fear he is gona leave me for some1 better or jst wlk away because its got to much i cry myself to sleep becaus of how i make him feel.. I am a pretty girl well thats wa every1 tells mejat im in another league bt i cant see it before i got wid my boyfriend i want insecure of how i lookes bt because he was abit of a player n always looked at other girls its made me paranoid... I have no friends because iv pushed them away most of the tie i kst feel i need to b alone i dnt wana socailise bt yet i jst need some1 ne 1 to b ther jst for support not expectin t to take my problems away.. I was sexually abused as a child by mt mums boyfriend n thats soething i could never tell her because she always told me to tell er id any rhing like that ever happened. Bt thats something iv buried that deep that i rarely ever think about... I jat wana b happy iwana look in the mirror n like wa i see... I want a supportive mum.. I wana stop hurtin n draggin me boyfrirnd inti me depression bt he jst makes it worse... Wa can i do im sick of feelin like shite worthkess like every1 would b better off widout me.. Im sick of goin to sleep n wantin to never wake up n im sick of tryna look fr answers the harder i tey the more i nd up worse if that makes any scence.[u][/u]

If there is any way you can get counseling that would help. Then you don't have to turn to your boyfriend. however, he might not be worth it if he can't love and accept you for who you are, that's not you, that's him. You need to believe in yourself. I think it would be good if you thought of things you like about yourself. You, what do you like, not him or anyone else. Find the beauty you hold inside yourself. Eventually, your mom might be able to hear it, you will feel better when you don't have to hold onto that alone. But a counselor is a great help. Don't let what your boyfriend thinks of you or the love he has for you be more important than what you think of yourself, and how much you love yourself. In the end, you have to love yourself. That's where the love is, that's where it starts, if that makes sense.