Depression Understood Forums

Adventures in Sleep, Stigma and the Wonders of Prozac

Spring, 2013
Napa, California


My pulse is racing and there is panic in the air. Where I’m supposed to be and what just happened are whizzing through my head like sped-up, Saturday morning cartoons. I am trying to slow down but the adrenaline is winning. Deep breaths and hold it together, I say to myself , man-UP dude.

Here’s what’s funny: It’s ten a.m. and I don’t even have to f*cking BE anywhere. Jesus.

What ‘did’ just happen? Okay, calm down, it’s not supernatural. You “over-slept,” man, that’s it. You didn’t witness your astral body pop out of your skin like Disney-Sinbad’s-Blue-Genie or anything like that. The calendar is a big empty blank today, so you didn’t miss the goddamn plane to your destiny, or Xanadu, or the commission to find the next God Particle.

For anyone concerned (not for me but for anyone battling manic-depression), I have a firm belief that adequate sleep plays a major role in moods, especially in concert with anti-depressants. (I can’t speak for mood stabilizers, although I ‘am’ taking Lamictal/Lamotragine, which is not particularly activating. It is my responses to sleep + Prozac I am referring to. An added note: I am bipolar type II, occasionally hypo-manic, but have mostly fought chronic depression for over twenty years)

Now that my morning terror on the wrong side of the bed has subsided, let’s piece together what’s really going on.

a) I am just a little disorientated from experiencing the “opposite” of my usual sleep progression: Normally I never get ‘enough’ sleep.

b) There are pressing social matters (losing contact with dear friends) which need mending, and the added anxiety is getting to me.

Notably, my dreams were bizarre but predictable last night: It began as it usually does back at my old alma matter with familiar, nostalgic faces. Some of these chaps have been among my closest circles of friends for over two decades. I found myself suddenly moving from the manicured environs of that pretty college to a dark and dank maze of concrete -- I was scrambling desperately inside of a parking structure, futilely moving from floor to floor with multiple, confusing stares up at the elevator lights. No it isn’t this floor; no this isn’t right; where the hell am I? Inexplicably, I emerged outside to bright daylight, suddenly alongside the streets of an outdoor shopping mall. I scanned the promenade in order to right my bearings but had no idea where I was or where I needed to be. Then, out of nowhere, a friend of mine walks by. He doesn’t see me, I cautiously avoid him, and begin running like Forrest Gump on meth.

And that’s it, done, fin, wake up to my heart beating like a jack-rabbit in the cross hairs.

In fact, TWO of my friends are getting married within the next two months, I haven’t spoken with them in some time, and I simply do not have the resources to buy the expensive plane tickets to celebrate their connubial bliss. So no great mystery, here. Freud can move on to dissecting the sexual fantasies of some other madman.

Beyond the usual travails of navigating the joys and trappings of friendship, there is some personal progress that bears consideration. After over two years of crappy, inconsistent sleep patterns amid one of the longest episodes of depression in my life -- which included re-location; the new responsibility of raising my sister’s beautiful child; the old, new and complicated family dynamics which go along with it; and unemployment, anxiety from career re-invention, and the attendant slide into the darkest of moods, re-evaluating and questioning everything; and finally my first successful steps into treatment and trying anti-depressants -- after two years of late night brooding and escape, I finally have a good opportunity to take advantage of adequate rest at night. I lucked into it, actually, exhausted from the over-activity of a fun vacation along the Northern California Coast, but I’m not complaining. I’ll take it. I’ve had almost ten straight days of enough sleep, my concentration has returned, and I can feel the added potency of the Prozac working in concert with the extra Zzz’s. Consider it one, small victory... but I’ll take it.

July will mark my one year anniversary on the looney-drugs. Forgive the derogatory little quip, but just know that gallows humor is one of the healthier responses to my struggles -- it means I am still in the fight. I realize this may not contribute to the happy-camper-end-the-stigma-campaign, but I also figure it’s like this: you know, it’s like an Asian thang, or a Black thang, or special, self-depricating self-insults reserved for the depression club; if you ain’t got the gene-disorder-disease-depacote-or-drugs, then f*ck-off, you’re not allowed the stigmatic insults. But if you’re drowning or in treatment, then you’re good, you’re one of us. It’s a special fraternity, for cool, special people... and it’s EXCLUSIVE, like carrying AMEX black, only you whip out your Kaiser Permanente or State Benefits Card.

Nine months into choking down pretty little pastel green and white pills of Prozac ( + Lamictal ) each morning (they’re so pretty, aren’t they?), I am looking forward with expectation to see what the whacko pharmaceutical wonders can really do for me, now that I’m sleeping better. They “have” been noticeably working, mind you -- not insignificantly, I have not returned to the near-suicidal, abject darkness and despair which finally pushed me into giving medication a go; that and the good fortune of finding an excellent, excellent family practice physician; in fact, although I am still in the throes of varying degrees of depression, the medicine has created a baseline below which I do not sink lower, and it could very well be keeping me alive -- but now that I am finally giving my body a chance by hitting the hay and waking earlier, we’ll see where modern medicine combined with individual effort will take me.

Wish me luck. And my fondest hopes and dreams for all of you.

“The Chinese believe that before you can conquer a beast you first must make it beautiful.” - Kay Redfield Jamison, “An Unquiet Mind”



Lowell’s Daemon

That was brilliant and you are an excellent writer! Please publish that! I don't have an "official" diagnosis but am 100 percent certain I have been/am in the midst of a major depressive episode, it's not first time, for about a year.

b. I can really relate to this and it has caused me great anxiety. This year I have tried a new approach. I have told my good friends I am depressed, which is the absolute truth. Pretty much everyone has been understanding. In that disclosure, I think people that love me have felt less personally responsible. Everyone gets down...I think in having a "thing" people have a better understanding that the normal pick me ups don't work. Most importantly, people don't take it personally. When this episode began one of the most stressful things for me was people taking offense that I was skipping outings and not returning phone calls. The patience, acceptance, a multiple attempts at "interventions"(the "What can I do to help you?" "What can any of us do to to help you?" sort not the drug related sort) has clearly demonstrated to me that even if I feel horrible about many things most days right now...I sure am GOOD a picking my friends. At this point, some of my greatest stress comes from acquaintances- people who I wouldn't explain (or nec trust to tell- I am VERY guarded for good reason) why I have backed off from a once very heavy social schedule. I explain of all of this to let you know I get it and to ask; Have you considered telling your "wedding" friends that you can't attend their weddings bc of what is going on in your life? It would probably be a lot less stressful for you. I know it is easier said than done, but it sure was like taking a weight off my shoulders...

and thank you for sharing!

Hi Tilly, and thank you for responding and also for the compliment. I am a fledgling writer, but am starting to really enjoy the work. I've been considering blogging about depression for some time now, but as you related, sometimes one has to be quite guarded. Currently I am working on concepts for a public journal (also including humor, politics, and other matters), but if they are to include my battles with despair, I must first weigh all the possible consequences. Meantime, I am sharing some writing on a few other depression-related sites.

Your advice about being honest and matter-of-fact with good friends is wise and appreciated. Perhaps if I had taken such steps years ago, I'd have avoided some heartache along the way. And you are right, being straight-up with those close to you does make a difference; I do have a small circle of very close friends who know and understand my behavior after years of ups and downs. And yet, I have to admit, despite my confidence in them, I have always felt there is only so much I can share with them when I happen to be in a dark place. Still, I am grateful for their patience in times when I have been harder to get a hold of.

I relate with you completely concerning acquaintances -- it is unquestionably harder to interact transparently with people either less genuinely invested in you, or appropriately distant for professional or public purposes. Having relocated, I recently have met some outstanding new people, several of which I'd love to spend more time with, both socially and professionally. I even made the gesture of complete transparency about my condition with one of those individuals -- in response to his openness about his son's struggles with ADHD/sensory disorder -- which was taken very well, but I still struggle to be direct during periods when I need time to myself. A lot of it -- as has been the case with many older friendships gone by -- has to do with social standing (and in the past, achievement), and I've caved to that pressure by withdrawing from the public eye, sometimes unnecessarily, and at times justifiably, depending on whose particular company I was keeping. I've gotten better at it, but it's still a challenge, as I have the maturity and experience of same-aged peers, but not necessarily the same financial means and lifestyle; such is the life of one who is attempting to reconstruct their life/identity, sustainably, hopefully, this time.

I'm going to write one of the fellas to explain why I won't be able to attend his big day, and I doubt it will be a big problem. It's just taken me more days than it should to take care of (like an overdue bill). My other friend, on the other hand, I just can't miss this one -- he's one of my best friends and it'd be unconscionable. Same deal, it'll be complicated, but I'll find a way to get to this affair. (Know of any openings for male gigolos? Ha.) I just have to let him know what's going on, and I will.

By the way, I wish you the best, and hope you pull out of the current depression you are in as soon as the fates/your effort/new opportunity/whatever it takes, allow. Really, I'm all too familiar with what I call, "The Noonday Demon," and wish it upon no one. May I ask how many years you've gone through this -- or if it has not been chronic, how many similar episodes? My depressions began (in retrospect) when I was seventeen, they've returned every year in varying degrees for the past two decades, and I'd say there have been at least two episodes (including my current one) that have lasted for two years. I've flirted with treatment several times, but this is definitely my first experience with anti-depressant meds, the success of which has motivated me to tackle the problem in other ways as well.

Apologies for the novel in reply. Again, I'm enjoying writing more than ever, and besides, the subject matter here is rather complicated. Thanks again for the good advice and for sharing your thoughts.


Cheers

Well keep fledgling, because you are very talented! Why don’t you blog under a nom de plume? It would seem a safe bet, and perhaps even facilitate you discussing your most personal issues and remaining in the realm of total honesty. I understand your dilemma in using your connections through your employer, trying to predict how his information you disclose could have some unforeseen negative outcome and trying to weigh them both. The risk management is associated with handling depression can be exhausting. Are there any specific depression websites you recommend?

“I have always felt there is only so much I can share with them when I happen to be in a dark place.” I completely understand. There are some things you can’t take back. It sounds like you, much like me, don’t like to be the recipient of anyone’s pity. Sometimes though, I wonder if my “disappearing” scares the people who love me more. At this juncture, my nearest and dearest will clearly state “please respond/let me know” instead of just knowing they would get a response…like in more normal times. I find it easiest to speak to those ask nothing of me…those that try to insist on dinner (or whatever) have been slowly moved to the periphery of my life.

I am normally super social. I really like people, and they have always seemed to like me…I have decided long ago, in regards to my time, I am responsible for my own happiness. I know if I am forced to do something out of obligation or to keep everyone else happy I resent it. I also feel like you encourage people to overstep their boundaries in the future. I really try to respect other people’s boundaries and try to make it easy for them to respect mine.

I am happy you are meeting exciting new people and that they are supportive. I understand you re the social standing. Money has never been an issue really for me until recently. Even on occasions when I am in the mood to be social I often skip it for financial reasons. Even though I have been known for my generosity, I feel really uncomfortable being on the receiving end. In my mind, it has been too long now. The last thing I want to do is inconvenience others. I think this is very frustrating to my family and friends bc I have all the tools and qualifications to be highly successful and during better times I have quickly attained some impressive achievements- and quickly. Trust me, NOBODY finds this more frustrating than me. The thought of reinvention, which must happen, is overwhelming and exhausting. I know I can do it, but I am having problems wanting to do it and am currently stuck before my first necessary step- making a decision of which direction to take and committing myself to it.

I have so many things in my “taking longer than it should to do” zone your next paragraph made me laugh. In my experience men are more understanding with getting out of commitments than we women tend to be. I am definitely a “guy’s girl” as are most of my female friends. I cannot tell how much I appreciate spending a day kicking around town with my guy friends. We can spend the whole day talking and they wouldn’t dream of asking “Why haven’ t you been returning my phone calls/emails?” They are the masters of pulling me out of my own headspace. You will make it to the wedding and you will have a blast!

I think I have been depressed since I was about 16 or so. I have had major depressive episodes ever since. I used to think it wasn’t depression and that I was just sad about x, y or z. I don’t think I have them ever year, but I do think they are increasing in frequency. Now I think situations have triggered these episodes but they have been maintained by my biological make up. I am pretty sure both of my parents suffered from depression too. I have just passed the one year mark on this episode. It is maybe the 5th or 6th time I have had an episode to last this long. It has probably been the worst episode yet probably made worse by the fact it followed 2 of the best years in my life. It is going to have to stop soon bc I have to make it. Better times must be ahead!

As soon as I can afford it, I am going to return to talk therapy. I took Zoloft for a few months in my twenties and loved the results but hated the side effects. I am open to meds, in fact it may make things easier. I took Aderall, not prescribed, a handful of times in grad school and was amazed at the results…but it is addictive so I am not sure I even want to go down that road. Hopefully, an MD can find something that works for me.

Thanks for both your openness and your encouragement. You will beat this thing! I enjoyed the novel reply and the discourse!

All the best!

You didn't mention it, so I guess your silence means "No, I don't know of any jobs for male gigolos," which is total b.s. since you are allegedly from NYC, obviously 'swimming' with said openings. We've only just virtually met, and now all trust has been ruined. (I'm supposed to insert the customary emoticon wink, here, but I read in a men's mag that real men over thirty don't do the winky, sad-face, or whatever)

It sounds like we have some things in common, especially about ability versus expectations (of self and, of course, from others), and I'd like to expand on that, but I'm all written out after three days of good sledding.

Meantime, you may want to check out one of my Pinterest boards where I've begun sampling some blogs (just click the pics to link to sites)

http://pinterest.com/spartancnn/the-noonday-blogs/

Mostly, I think, I've pinned personal blogs; there are a couple of other forums like this one I'm sampling:

http://www.bphope.com/Social/ Well constructed and organized but their server moves like molasses. Still, although replies are intermittent, a small, regular group often posts very good info on their experiences and esp how different meds are working. I've been sharing stories there so far.

http://www.takethislife.com/ I don't know what genius came up with the name, but I guess they didn't realize that "take this life" could be misconstrued as jumping off a bridge or something, but I digress. It loads fast enough, which is good, but I got thrown by how unnervingly sad and dreary a lot of the newbie posts are -- maybe that's why it's recommended because people feel free to be honest and get compassionate responses.

Anyway, you'll find me more on the first site right now, under the same pseudo. I'll let ya know if I find better forums, and I still need to peruse the blogs on my Pinterest board. One site there is fall off of your seat funny:
http://thebloggess.com/

Cheers,


B.