Why I am not good enough.
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:02 pm
Before I tell you my story I should probably tell you at least a little about myself. I am a shy girl now, but I use to be social and fun loving. At least that is what my parents tell me. My father and mother have been separated sense I was 3 months old. They were never married. I have self diagnosed myself with depression. I want to go to a doctor, but it not going to happen any time soon by the looks of it. Well I think I will start my story now. It might take more then on post so unless you like to read you might want to step away now.
I don't know when my depression started or what triggered it and I don't think I have had the worst life ever so I don't understand. The earliest memories I have of life are snippets with little detail. I don't know how old I was, but it had been the first time I had gone hunting with my dad. He had woken me up way to early in the morning for my taste and made me get dressed in a bunch of bulky cloths that looked horrible and made it to hot for comfort. He then put a bunch of the camo stuff on my face. I hated it, but I was to happy to be in a bad mood because my dad was taking me somewhere and was treating me like I mattered.
The hunt went horrible. We didn't see anything worth shooting. By the time we left my mood had soured from being to hot and sticky even though my feet were cold and wet. My face itched like crazy and my dad wouldn't talk. It didn't get any better when we got home. My dad had to scrub off the paint on my face and it burned leaving my face red and puffy. It was a nice way of finding out that I have sensitive skin. My mom had freaked when my dad got me home. I wanted to cry as I sat there listening to them fighting. Thats all they ever do when I am around. I don't even want them together when I go to prom or graduate because those are suppose to be happy memories.
I remember the time I went sledding for the first time with my dad. It went horrible as well. Dad went down the biggest he could find with me sitting in front of me. The whole hill was ice and about half way down we hit a rock and flipped over. It had been horrible because my dad had landed on me. My wrist hurt a lot after that and I had a black eye, but nothing broken. That was the second time I remember my mom and dad fighting when he brought me home. I also remember my dad burning my arm when he hugged me goodbye with a cigarette in his hand.
On to a happy memory I guess. I can remember my Grandparents, on my fathers side, old house. It was a two story white house on the curve of a street. In the front yard was a big old oak tree and a pretty little pond. Off one of the tree branches hung one of those hammocks that you can get at the renaissance that are weaved and change shape depending on the way you sit.
I loved that old hammock and would sit in it all the time, but in this memory I was sitting on the lap of my recently deceased uncle. He wasn't very old maybe nineteen. I remember him so well. He wasn't like an uncle to me. He was my brother and I loved him like one. My Grandma tells me all the time that me and him were best friends and he was the only one I liked out of all my uncles. Even at this age I don't like any of my other uncles
. I really miss him a lot. We stopped talking when he moved to another state with my Great Uncle Alex. I only saw him once after he moved only a month or so before he died. He had looked so happy and healthy even though he was getting a little bald for how young he was.
I don't have any other memories of him and it makes me very sad, but I see him a lot in my dreams. Maybe he is trying to tell me something I am not sure. I always visit him when I go up home where we use to live. He was buried on a plot of land that has been owned by are family sense before the states owned all the land. The state tries to buy it all the time and every year jacks up the price a lot, but we are a stubborn family and we won't give it up. For some of us its the only thing we have left.
I remember only one thing from when I was young about that lot. We were having a family get together and me and my cousin had been exploring the shore line because the land is next to a lake. Me and my cousin had walked around this old tree that was on a rocky outcrop. on the other side was a spot where the rocks curved into a c. In that area we fond a thing like a bucket with a blue lid. Half of it was under water. Me and my cousin tried to lift it out of the water but it was tied down, but we could lift the lid partway off. I was surprised to find fish in the bucket. I had been sad when someone explained it was a catfish trap and that the two catfish that were in it were going to die. So I went to my Grandma and she made the boy who put it in there take it out and let the fish go. I am a lover of animals and I think that is the fist time I noticed it. I could not stand to see those fish suffer in such a way just for the fun of it because the boy was obviously not going to eat the fish he was just doing it to be mean.
Well those are all the memories I have before I started school. Next time I post I will talk about my life in elementary school.
I don't know when my depression started or what triggered it and I don't think I have had the worst life ever so I don't understand. The earliest memories I have of life are snippets with little detail. I don't know how old I was, but it had been the first time I had gone hunting with my dad. He had woken me up way to early in the morning for my taste and made me get dressed in a bunch of bulky cloths that looked horrible and made it to hot for comfort. He then put a bunch of the camo stuff on my face. I hated it, but I was to happy to be in a bad mood because my dad was taking me somewhere and was treating me like I mattered.
The hunt went horrible. We didn't see anything worth shooting. By the time we left my mood had soured from being to hot and sticky even though my feet were cold and wet. My face itched like crazy and my dad wouldn't talk. It didn't get any better when we got home. My dad had to scrub off the paint on my face and it burned leaving my face red and puffy. It was a nice way of finding out that I have sensitive skin. My mom had freaked when my dad got me home. I wanted to cry as I sat there listening to them fighting. Thats all they ever do when I am around. I don't even want them together when I go to prom or graduate because those are suppose to be happy memories.
I remember the time I went sledding for the first time with my dad. It went horrible as well. Dad went down the biggest he could find with me sitting in front of me. The whole hill was ice and about half way down we hit a rock and flipped over. It had been horrible because my dad had landed on me. My wrist hurt a lot after that and I had a black eye, but nothing broken. That was the second time I remember my mom and dad fighting when he brought me home. I also remember my dad burning my arm when he hugged me goodbye with a cigarette in his hand.
On to a happy memory I guess. I can remember my Grandparents, on my fathers side, old house. It was a two story white house on the curve of a street. In the front yard was a big old oak tree and a pretty little pond. Off one of the tree branches hung one of those hammocks that you can get at the renaissance that are weaved and change shape depending on the way you sit.
I loved that old hammock and would sit in it all the time, but in this memory I was sitting on the lap of my recently deceased uncle. He wasn't very old maybe nineteen. I remember him so well. He wasn't like an uncle to me. He was my brother and I loved him like one. My Grandma tells me all the time that me and him were best friends and he was the only one I liked out of all my uncles. Even at this age I don't like any of my other uncles
. I really miss him a lot. We stopped talking when he moved to another state with my Great Uncle Alex. I only saw him once after he moved only a month or so before he died. He had looked so happy and healthy even though he was getting a little bald for how young he was.
I don't have any other memories of him and it makes me very sad, but I see him a lot in my dreams. Maybe he is trying to tell me something I am not sure. I always visit him when I go up home where we use to live. He was buried on a plot of land that has been owned by are family sense before the states owned all the land. The state tries to buy it all the time and every year jacks up the price a lot, but we are a stubborn family and we won't give it up. For some of us its the only thing we have left.
I remember only one thing from when I was young about that lot. We were having a family get together and me and my cousin had been exploring the shore line because the land is next to a lake. Me and my cousin had walked around this old tree that was on a rocky outcrop. on the other side was a spot where the rocks curved into a c. In that area we fond a thing like a bucket with a blue lid. Half of it was under water. Me and my cousin tried to lift it out of the water but it was tied down, but we could lift the lid partway off. I was surprised to find fish in the bucket. I had been sad when someone explained it was a catfish trap and that the two catfish that were in it were going to die. So I went to my Grandma and she made the boy who put it in there take it out and let the fish go. I am a lover of animals and I think that is the fist time I noticed it. I could not stand to see those fish suffer in such a way just for the fun of it because the boy was obviously not going to eat the fish he was just doing it to be mean.
Well those are all the memories I have before I started school. Next time I post I will talk about my life in elementary school.
