So Basically...

[ShyGirlHolly]

I don't know where I was going with those posts. I just...I remember things. Things that I blame for my anxiety\depression. I never told anybody those stories. Especially the one with me kissing my girl best friend when I was 7. I cam just see the rumors now if anyone found out.

Ever since last year I've been having problems. It started by being told that I wasn't good enough by my 'best friend'. After being told it many times (by past best friends and my bitter, older half sister), I had started to believe it. My mom always tells me "You're too hard on Holly". I know I'm kind of a perfectionist but I'm afraid if I'm not no one will like me.
I tried to selfharm myself because one of my previous best friends was suicidal and had tried it and told me it takes away the pain.
I started taking pain killers. The way they made me numb and take away the pain was amazing - but it wasn't enough.
My mom finally caught on and took me to a therapist. I thought it would work. But the therapist annoyed me. She kept blaming my dad and step dad for my problems but that wasn't it at all. And then she said that I'll probably end up with an older guy because I'll crave the father figure I never got as a child. That made me beyond furious. I have standards and would never do that. If anything, I like older guys because they're more intelligent and mature unlike guys my age.
So I stopped seeing her. All I felt like was a paycheck to her and not a person with problems.
She, however, told me to take these pills. I do say they work, which I cannot stand. It makes me feel beyond crazy and hopeless. I mean, I forgot to take them for a few days and I'm already back in a bad place.
I just, I can't take it. I'm loosing hope. I'm very insecure and making friends has always been hard. The farther I fall, it seems the harder it is to get back up.
Friends come and go and I understand that. But why is it always my fault that they go?