Depression Understood Forums

I know this is a long post but I would appreciate if you could bear reading through it as I'm desperate to know if anyone feels or has been through what I have been going through for several years now and can offer any words of advice. Life is just too hard at the moment and has been for so long now, but I've kept going because of my children and I don't recognise the person I am now compared to the strong, happy go lucky woman I used to be. I have to fight the tears back in public, and behind closed doors I'm a wreck.

I moved countries to live nearly 20 yrs ago now to marry the man who I thought was the love of my life. We set up home and had two beautiful daughters. In hindsight it wasn't a great idea to have children with him because he and I had completely different upbringings. He was part of a big family whose father went to the pub all the time and the mum let the kids do whatever they wanted to do, to the point were some of them were called gypsies because of the way they behaved and dressed. Whereas I have 2 sisters and my parents brought us up well - we didn't have a lot of money, but we were always clean and fed and there were rules in place e.g. cleaning our rooms, doing the dishes etc.

When my daughters were born they were, as they still are, my world. The differences between my exhusband and I became so obvious - I stayed home with my girls whilst he went out drinking for days at a time, or stayed in drinking in secret in the bathroom and hiding a bottle of vodka in the cistern of the toilet.

Things came to a head when my 3 yr old asked was her Daddy dead as we hadn't seen him in a few days. We seperated, I got a job, and have been bringing my daughters up since, although they do go every other weekend to their Daddy's. Their Daddy runs around after them the whole time, lets them get away with anything, it doesn't matter if they brush their teeth or shower, wear clean clothes, or go to bed at a reasonable time, he just lets them away with anything they want to do. This makes it so hard for me because I'm the 'bossy one' who tells them they have to have a tidy room, do their homework, respect other people etc. I've been fighting it for years but after my Grandad (who really was the person I would've always turned to and who was always there for my) dying 2 years ago, and a few other relatives passing away, plus the ongoing issues with my b/friend of 6 years who has a drink problem also but has now been sober since Christmas, life has worn me down. I work fulltime and am so tired when I get home. I don't have a social life - my 3 best friends all live a minimum of 3 hrs away so I don't have anyone to actually sit down and have a chat with, life is so lonely. The place I live in and have stayed in because I wanted my daughters to grow up with the Daddy close by for their sakes, I hate. There is nothing in the place itself unless you 'fit in' with the whole 'going to the pub and letting your children do anything as long as they're out from under your feet' That isn't the way I was brought up or wanted my children brought up. When I grew up there was plenty of things to be doing and I was always occupied. My two daughters come in from school, do their homework and then sit in front of the tv whilst on their phones, every single evening. I'm desperate to move house even to a place that's close enough by for their school and friends/Daddy, but I am stuck with a mortgage and a home that at the moment nothing is selling. I feel my daughters are missing out on life, and I also think, despite my very best efforts to bring them up correctly, that they'd maybe be better off living their lives like all their peers, being allowed to go to disco's where they get drunk (at 13/14 yrs old!) and can go out wearing hardly any clothes looking like girls dressed up as women. I'm weery. I'm so tired of life and all these years I've spent trying to do the best for my children I feel are just wasted as they resent me for putting down the rules and not allowing them to do some of the things their friends do or get drunk. I feel they may be better off in a family where there are two parents who would support each other and be brought up well. I struggle every day. It's tough getting up in a morning, it's even tougher getting through each day. I feel useless, trapped and am at my wits end trying to do what I know is right and will make my daughters into responsible and decent young women. I don't recognise the person I am today. I can't explain how tough it is and I can't see anyway out or anyway forward.

Please does anyone have any advice?

Hey,

You sound like an excellent mother trying to do the best by her children with the difficulties that life throws at you.

I think you're right to want to bring your children up in a way that you've been brought up, because it worked for you and you don't want to make your children settle for less.

I'm sorry you feel so alone where you are now, what about making visits to your friends on the weekends that the dad has the kids? Or if this isn't possible could you call them? Seek counsel from them over the phone? Or even Skype them so you can see them in video chat, that could help.

With your kids and being seen as the bad guy, they are 13/14 now? If I were you I would talk with them about why you disagree with this lifestyle. If they are going to end up ignoring what you have to say about not going out, and will end up sneaking out and drinking and such, the id have an open and honest conversation with them about it. Explain to them why you don't want them to be drinking at tht age, because it is an adult decision to be made, and they are still kids. That if they want to behave like adults and do adult things like drinking then they will need to be treated like adults in all aspects of their life, something like that. Explain to them why there is a legal drinking age, and the importance of it... Explain to them that you don't want them to be following this lifestyle and you want better for them, because you love them.

Also With the coming home and spending time on their phones in front of the tv, could you set aside some family time, say after dinner? Spend time with them and do things, with the tv off. Say this is family time and phones are not allowed for the next hour, or something like that, and do some activities together. Read, play games, watch a quiz show that you could all answer the questions together, talk. I think it can be hard to break things that have become routine but I think you'll be better for it and your relationship with your daughters will be stronger and you'll understand each other more.

Lastly, please try not to be so hard on yourself. You sound like a wonderful, caring, loving mother. Take a moment now to let out a huge deep sigh and remember that you are just fine. You are doing a great job and you are just fine. Take a breath.

I hope maybe some of that helped.

Hugs


Jj