Depression Understood Forums

Hi am new to this, obviously...
actually I am new to saying the word depression. although I know I have been suffering for at least 6 years. I am 21, and go to uni for health. I should know better right? I am sick. But no one can know. I have done ridiculous things to cry out for help. but since I come across so shut off, strong, solid, strong minded, determined, mature... etc. No one would ever think that inside I could be.. sick. I have built up a wall to everyone, and no one gets in. I dealt with deaths from an early age. Including suicide.. and formulated my own 'guard' by conveying to others that it didn't phase me, or that I was angry about the choices of someone taking their own life.. really I tried to cover up the fact that I had been having those thoughts. Time went on, I had months of Ups, months of Downs. Through High School I lost all my 'friends' because I put all my effort into my boyfriend. 3 years later, two months into university- he dumped me. I broke. BUT. somehow, like I always do, I got back up, but never fully. I now have am amazing man who loves, and supports me, and knows my feelings and try's to deal with them the best he can. But I feel guilty. I do love him and thats why I feel terrible that he has to be stuck with a women like me who is so shattered inside that she feels empty and cant even absorb his love.

We are in a Long distance relationship, I am in debt, I am alone in the city I live, with absolutely no friends. I live with a distance and to be honest, hateful, family member to which there are a lot of broken feelings. I have no friends because I am depressed, and depressed because I have no social support other than him.

This brings me to the reason I am trying this out. I am embarrassed, shameful and feel like I am 'faking it' when I think about getting help because I portray such a strong and happy persona to others.

The thing that gets me the most, is that when I go home for the 4 months of summer and I am with my family (sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews) I am honestly happy. Every september brings out the depression in me, and it is so tiring after a while.

I also have a slight... problem with certain noises..

They label it Misophonia but I have just been seen as being 'rude' or a 'bitch' when I complain...

For instance. the sound of smacking food, the sound of someone breathing in through there nose and out through their mouth (more specifically the sound of someone lips peeling apart), whistling with no tune, burps that sound like they gurgle (sorry), when singing a pronounced S sound, repetitive pen clicking, or pen tapping, things like that..

I just recently found out that my problems are actually a neurological condition, but when I told my family their approach was "jesus they will give anything a name these days', which tells me to.. suck it up.

When in a bout of these noises- I shut down. if alone I pull my hair or cover my ears and rock to try and get it out of my head, if in public I get anxious, moody, and outbursts often happen.


Anyone else suffer from this?

Solid -
I have to make this brief because I have to head off to class, but I just wanted to say that I read your post, and I totally understand a lot of what you're going through. I am also a health science student who is feeling disconnected. I go through many of the same ups and downs as you've described, often for no reason. I also often react to some sounds in much the same way.

One thing I've found: if you ever think you need help, you probably do. I often go through an episode and find myself determined to seek the help of others afterwards, but don't because things are fine for the time being. Then I get stuck in the same situation again, and I feel alone and helpless because I didn't find someone to help me before.
Don't be ashamed of your emotions; they are just as much a part of you as the happy persona you put off.