Depression Understood Forums

(read my previous posts about my break up and depression) Ever since my ex broke up with me i lost my will to continue living, i seriously felt so empty and because of that i failed my second semester in college. as a result, i had to retake the semester and sadly, i have no friends in college.

because of this, i didn't attend college for the first five weeks. Tomorrow will be my first day of the semester, and i'm afraid that the students in class will look at me differently because i've never seen them before. i know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it really stresses me out. i can't eat today and i keep getting butterflies in my stomach. i'm already in trouble with the lecturers and college staff for not attending college for so long so it makes things worst. i really want to make new friends but i'm afraid they will not be nice to me and will treat me differently. after all, i've missed five weeks and they've already been studying and getting to know each other in those five weeks. Whenever i speak in front of more than just a few people, my voice starts shaking and in the end i always feels so humiliated afterwards.

honestly, i'm lonely. i have no best friend, and when i lost my ex, i lost the only person whom i can talk and express myself to. i have no more self confidence and i can't let my parents know that i've missed my first five weeks of college as they'll pull me out from college, and stop me from studying anymore. i don't know who to turn to anymore. i'm so nervous and scared. sigh, i really want to die.

Hey YuYu ...

I feel like I can empathize with your situation. Although I didn't have that reaction to going to college ... I developed it later when it came to getting a job after graduation. I developed very intense anticipatory anxiety before the thought of starting a new job and all of the social interactions that would go on there.

I have never been able to be completely be free of this. It happens just about every time I start a new job. I'm sure you feel trapped by your emotions ... on the one hand horrible anxiety / phobia of going to face people in your classes ... on the other hand the depression of feeling like you have let down your parents if you don't go back. I know this is a very hard position to be in.

For what it's worth I would recommend being very cautious ... don't get so caught up in the need to succeed at school that you lead yourself so deep into depression that you think about hurting yourself. Relationships with your parents can be recuperated, tuition money can be worked out somehow in the future ... but if you end up really hurting yourself mentally, or even physically ... that is what you want to avoid.

I know it seems hard to see right now but things can get better. I have been able to go on to work jobs that have been fulfilling to me, even though I have had a lot of failed attempts, or I have simply found other ways of working through it. There is always another way.

Good luck to you