What happened between my mom, brother and me?

[kittykay]

Thank you for any advice and thank you for this forum. I need help with understanding my relationships with my mother and brother. I’m 57 and the middle daughter and have been on 4 different meds for depression over 20 yrs. Finally have something that is stabilizing and am grateful. I guess that is the reason I am finally trying to understand my family and the relationships. Depression is in both sides of my family. Maternal grandfather committed suicide at 49 and my mom tried to commit suicide in her 30’s after breaking up with my dad with 3 small kids at home. My step father committed suicide when I was early 40s.

My background: My sister lost her battle with cancer after having abused alcohol and cigarettes since she was 13. She was beautiful, a model and loved to party and died at 49. She married 3 times and had a son and daughter, my only niece and nephew. My brother is 3 yrs younger, never married and is way too smart, lazy and lives with mom 2 hrs away. I live with my only husband of 26 yrs. We work hard, own our home, are conservative, keep to ourselves, could not have kids and have a good, if boring, married life.

My childhood was traumatic, with dad and mom divorcing when I was in the third grade and mom and us kids moving across the country, leaving my paternal grandparents whom I was very close to. Dad kept in touch sporadically. He did marry again in another country and had a son. He committed suicide at 46 after getting sick after working in many foreign countries. I had few visits with him through my high school years but he did write and sent us presents from other countries. We moved many times for my mom’s education and it was hard for her to support 3 kids with sporadic support. After she got her degree, she bought a house 2 hours from my maternal grandmother and things were fairly normal through my early high school years. I moved in with my maternal grandmother when I was a sophomore and lived with her on and off through my early 20’s.

Meanwhile, my brother ended up in the service for 6 yrs, getting out when my mom called and asked him to come home after her second of 3 divorces. He moved back with her, had two or three short term jobs and has lived with mom ever since. Meanwhile, she married a final time and my brother worked for stepfather’s business and they moved to his mom’s house after she died. I was very close to him and he confided in me that he ‘married it’ (meaning my brother) and the complications my brother brought into his marriage with my mom. He lost the business and committed suicide. My husband and I visited regularly but were upset over what my stepfather had revealed to me. We kept it to ourselves, not telling my mom and brother. My mom and brother sold the property and moved back near my maternal grandmother, who needed help as she lived alone. My mom and brother helped her every day with meals as she lived alone. They also visited her every day at mealtimes for the last 3 yrs of her life when she ended up in the nursing home.

My husband and I have always had boats with my mom being invited and coming along more often than not. The last 10 years mom has enjoyed the boat and has helped us financially. Husband cannot do the work any longer and as we both lost our jobs, now are employed but no way near the financial ability we had to support a boat. We also want to start camping and have invited mom to join us. We told mom we were selling the boat and she didn’t speak to me for over 2 weeks, then she offered to pay for everything, then got angry, and now has finally realized the boat is gone. I guess she realizes she has a son and a daughter and 2 grandkids left.

After writing this I am confused. Proud my husband and I made a decision and are sticking with it, guilty that I made my mom sad and angry because she made me feel so guilty that she says she has ‘only a few good years left and she wants to spend them on the water’ and after realizing the boat is really gone, that ‘if she didn’t spend all that money on the boat that she would have a new bathroom now’. However, brother started that project almost 6 yrs ago but hasn’t worked on it for over 2 years. In fact, my husband and I quit asking about the status of the project because it was a joke. Brother is more than capable of finishing it and my husband has offered to help many times.

Meanwhile, I’m angry at my brother because he is so very smart and doesn’t work. He does clean and cook and takes care of the house and does chores and mom says she could not live in that house without him. But she pays for everything and her retirement has shrunk as well. I love my brother but I guess I’m just feeling sibling rivalry and jealousy? That she buys him everything and he can sleep late and play on the computer. She also told me last summer that she has changed her will to leave the majority of her estate to my brother because ‘he takes care of me’.

How do I tell my mother that I’m hurt and angry that she has changed her will and that I feel it is unfair of her to make me feel guilty about selling the boat? How do I get over my sibling rivalry? I really do love my brother and have fun teasing him about cooking because we are both good cooks. Do you think it is fair that mom has changed her will, I do feel badly that I feel jealous of this? I understand it is her estate to do with what she wants but it feels unfair that she has supported him basically all his life and he is lazy. It also is not big estate, just enough to probably keep him in the house for a year or so after she passes.

I cannot understand this mother son relationship? She is very dominant and very smart but brother is scary smart and it has been like this all his life. She has said that he has threatened suicide when they were both drinking and fighting. Mom’s aunt says he is ‘tweaked’ and he is definitely depressed as well, but with not working has no insurance.

Why can’t I understand this relationship and my own family? I feel better about my depression but cannot understand why I feel guilty and jealous. Or is this just sibling rivalry? Please help me understand as I cannot see the forest through the trees here. I have no self confidence or self esteem and need some outside thoughts and advice.