My depression story.

[ThecatladyxXx]

I am 32 years old and have suffered from depression for around 6 years. On the outside I have a good life, a husband who is very hard working and totally devoted to myself and our daughter, a nice home, and family and friends around me. My story starts around 6 years ago, I lost my job through no fault of my own and should have taken the company I worked for to a employment tribunal but at the time shock and disbelief took over and I just couldn't face doing it I just wanted to forget it had ever happened. I had always worked full time and struggled to find another job. With only 1 income coining into the house money became tight, I blamed myself and became very bored and lonely being at home all day every day and I think this is how it all stared. Months past with my trying my best to hide how I was feeling then I had a mini break down, this was when my husband finally realized just how bad my depression was. I turned to self harming and would often burn myself with the iron, yes it was very painful but I felt it was a release and always felt better after. My husband discovered what I was doing to myself and threatened to have me sent to hospital, terrified that other people would find out my secret I stopped and struggled on. A year went by, I took a part time job, just a few hours a week while my daughter was at school and stared to feel better. But things were not better, we had fallen behind on mortgage payments on our home and we were facing losing everything we had worked for. We tied to get help but in the end no one could help us and we had to give our home up. Luckily we were thrown a life line and was offered a house with our local housing association, a larger home, closer to school and rent was half what we were paying on our mortgage, so we moved.
Another year went by, I spent my time making our new home ours, a close friend of mine had also started to suffer from depression due to the brake down of her relationship, we helped each other and I had more good days then bad. Summer came again I had no work as my job was in school term time, I had 6 weeks of hell. My depression came back with a bang, I cried everyday and couldn't explain why, money was still tight and I stared to cut myself off from people, including my friend who also need help. My husband got more and more frustrated with me as he struggled to understand why I feel like this, I didn't self harm this time but I did plan my suicide and left the house on 3 separate occasions to do but always came to my senses just in time. So once again I struggled through with health issues and an abortion due to medical reasons, every good day was a bonus every bad bay was hell and it has been this way for the past few years.
Now I am out of work again, I do have a creative hobby that I make a little money at and keeps my mind busy but not enough to keep my demons away. I started to self harming again around Christmas time, now I am cutting and very good at hiding it am afraid to say, I refuse to see my doctor as I can not face telling anyone else, I have kept my depression hidden from most of my family and friends all this time. I have recently become more angry and on one occasion have physically attacked my husband I have also become very controlling, have trust issues even though I know I have no reason to have them, I constantly feel lonely. I can't bear my husband to leave the house even to go to work, he no longer has any kind do of social life because I won't allow him to have one, I have become a bitch to him. I am destroying our once very happy marriage and fear even though I know he loves me very dearly I am going to push him too far and he will leave. I don't mean to be this way, when I have a good day our life is wonderful but the bad days are taking the over more lately but no matter how much I try to explain to my husband how I am feeling inside he can not understand as he doesn't know what it is like to be depressed. He keeps telling her me I have a lot to be happy about and we have gotten through so much and still going, I wish I could feel happy and normal again.