why did things have to turn out like this?

[_Ihatethislife/:]

/: I hate the way that i am now .. i used to be super happy, always smiling, and laughing (: i used to be HAPPY. and now all there is pain, and suffering. ever since 2nd grade; everything started in second grade. I got bullied, pushed around, the names they would call me. and then to go home and get yelled at by your parents because according to them you didn't have any reason to be crying. ugh, i lived with that through out all elementary school. i still remember clearly those nights that i would go to the corner of my room and sit there and just cry. asking myself why i wasn't enough, why the kids at my school didn't like me. and then came middle school, i have to admit i was scared; thought things would be worst then they already were in elementary school. but thank god that they did not. i actually found friends, well kind of. i stopped being so quiet and shy. i started opening up. for me i thought things would actually get better! but no, things went from bad to worst i started to feel so alone. i didn't feel loved by my own parents, my family.. i started cutting myself.. i knew cutting yourself was bad, it was wrong. and that's why i asked for help! i told my counselor at school; told them i was cutting myself. yes, i knew they were going to have to call my mom. but guess what; I WANTED THE HELP. yes, they called my mom. told her to take me to some therapy place.. but did she? no. she didn't take me. through out that year, i would cry myself to sleep. cut even more. i felt even more lonely. my parents would look at my scars and look at me as if i disgusted them or something. they would tell me that i was crazy, crazy for cutting myself. i was dumb, stupid. those words hurt more than ever.. i mean they came from my parents. the ones that are suppose to be there for you, telling you that everything is going to turn out okay. but i guess not! then came next year.. again with the cutting.. again i asked for help.. but this time something changed, my mom actually took me to therapy.. well at least once, right? and then we never went back. for once i thought that things were actually going to get better. but no, i was wrong once again. things just fell right on top of me, again. the arguments at home.. the tears, the thoughts, the loneliness. and now this year things have just gotten worst. yes, i still cut myself /: i moved schools and for the last time i had the courage to ask for help, again. hoping that this time i would actually get help, my mom would react, and do something about everything that was going on. and so here i go again with tears in my eyes i go and ask for help, they called my mom, i don't actually know if she cared. because the school had to make sure she made an appointment, had to make sure that she actually took me, point is she did and till this day i still continue going to therapy. things were actually getting better, but then i again im back to where i had started, back to cutting my wrists .. i managed to tell my mom. we both told my therapist about me going back to cutting myself. and now im scared.. scared of whats going to happen next. the doctor said that i have severe depression, and anxiety. what hurts the most is that i have been trying to fight through all of this alone. i hear those voices in my head that are always telling me that i'm worthless, hopeless , helpless , i'm just a pathetic waste of space in this world, and yes those thoughts that seem so real i manage to believe all the time. i have to take three types of medication.. i hate that. it feels as if im not in control of my own emotions, i feel so empty but yet full of so many emotions, and thoughts inside my head.. i feel like my only option left is death, dying. but no, im tired of living, scared of dying. im lost in this pain that doesn't seem to go away. yes, i understand that many people have it worst than i do. but i have gone through hurts me, it hurts a lot. i try to smile and be happy, but this pain is taking control over me. i hate being depressed.. i hate it. not wanting to do anything. those voices that i hear are killing me slowly. its like i'm being tortured by my own mind, and it sucks. like my uncle told me the other day "what happened, what happened to that little girl that was always happy, always laughing and smiling, what happened to her" and yes, sometimes i do wonder; what did happen to her? where did she go? because honestly i want her back. i'm tired of being sad, tired of trying, tired of living, tired of my own reality. To Whoever Reads Thsi, Im Sorry. Im Sorry, For Being Born. Sorry For Still Being Alive. IM SORRY .

[Evie]

DON'T feel sorry. Don't feel sorry for being born or still being alive. I know exactly how you feel. I used to get bullied when I was in kindergarden through third grade. I felt alone like no one liked me and distanced myself from everyone. I'm better now but I still harm myself: choking, punching, bruising, cutting, burning, scratching myself. When my parents found out two years ago they looked at me like they were disappointed in me, like i was a disgrace, like they were disgusted of me, like they didn't want to believe that I was their daughter. I felt so bad and wanted to die because they made me feel ashamed of myself and guilty. But I think they were just worried about me. They couldn't believe that I was so sad and harming myself and they just couldn't understand why. Or at least that's what I make myself believe. I still harm myself but they don't know that. I just let them believe that I'm better. I'm constantly tormented by my own mind. I look at myself in the mirror and belittle myself, say I should just die because I'm a burden to everyone, say that I'm fat and ugly and I should die to save everyone from my ugliness, say that I'm stupid and I can't do anything right, that I'll always fail at everything, shouldn't even try things, don't deserve to be happy, jump in front of a train (which is currently in my mind and bothering me). I too am tired of feeling like this and just want to quit ... life that is. Part of me wants help and another actually likes the pain and suffering. If you want to talk feel free to message me. I think chatting helps for most