It seems my moods have been all over the place the past few years- more than I have acknowledged to myself until now. For example, one week I will feel really depressed...just down on life, like everything is hopeless. There have been days when I have thought that it would just be easier to die than to keep trying because I am exhausted feeling like I am always spinning my wheels and my life, all my career plans, desire to achieve success and more money, just aren't coming to fruition the way I would like.
Then, I'll have entire weeks where I feel ecstatic- like I am glowing and like everything is perfect- like I have finally figured it all out and like if I can find a way to keep myself in such high spirits, then everything will be OK.
Well, this week I felt like I could not keep going. I have been working myself to the bone- three jobs. I worked 14 hours a day during the week and a split shift and a double shift at a third job every other weekend. When I was feeling "ecstatic" this was great because I was loving everything I was doing and it was keeping me busy and productive. It even felt fun and like being this busy was the thing that was helping my mood. By the end of last week, I started to feel exhausted and burned out. The weekend consisted of non-stop going and me being hyper and excited that I had time off finally. This week, I couldn't move any more. I felt feverish all day Monday- still not sure if I actually was because I haven't had any symptoms of illness other than that plus exhaustion. I lost it on my boyfriend, screaming at him about how he didn't help me use my free time wisely- we just did everything HE wanted to do all weekend. It was the worst I've ever yelled at him. I was completely burned out, exhuasted, not feeling up to life, and I got irrational on him. That's not the first time I've lost it on him like that- it just felt like the worst time yet. On Tuesday, I stayed in bed all day. I napped for two hours and spent the rest of the day watching Pretty Little Liars. Yesterday and today I have dragged myself to work but I still feel burned out and like I do not want to be doing ANY of this. I have not gone to my second job at all this week and I have not done any paperwork for my main job because I just feel like it's too much.
I've never thought I could be bi-polar because I didn't think my mood swings were that extreme, but then I thought about how I've seen myself do this time and again- I get excited, like I'm on a coffee high and I burn the candle at both ends until I'm too burned out to even realize that I'm burned out and yet I just keep going. I eventually hit a wall and either get extremely depressed or end up quitting everything I'm doing and running away- I ended a romantic relationship and moved to the other end of the country the last time I burned myself out like this and had an emotional break down when I got here.
So, I am going to see a psychiatrist on Monday because I used to be on ADHD meds as a teenager and I am going to start there. But, in the meantime, I really needed people to talk to who could relate and give me their insights! Looking forward to getting to know you all.
