Crawling Forward...Not Falling Backwards
Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 11:12 pm
I've come to realize that talking about this helps me way more than I thought it could. I guess after 30 years of hiding this I thought talking about it was the last thing I wanted to do. Reading and writing these posts seems to be helping as much as the meds and therapist. If nothing else, it's a hell of a lot cheaper!!
My mood has taken such a drastic change in the past month or so. It feels different from some of the swings or cycling that I had become accustomed to. I don't seem to have that dread of the crash coming. Of course, I have no idea of when that'll happen again but I'm not consumed with the foreboding sense of another storm on its way. I guess some of the fear has subsided which makes you a little stronger. This is the only way I've been able to write these posts. Even as early as 6 months ago I couldn't have even considered talking about this.
I know in my earlier post I've seemed to focus on those who haven't made that first step to getting help. This is because I'm in the early stages of that process. Again, I guess after 30 years of living in a hole, 6 months in the real world is a relatively small amount of time . I'll take each day like this I can get and build on it as best I can.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, if you find yourself in a manic state, no matter how minor, hopefully you can take that as an opportunity to focus on getting help. Don't let that overshadow your need to take that step thinking that its all good and you don't need help like you thought before. Unfortunately, you only gauge how bad you need help when you're at your lowest. This is the paradox we find ourselves in. The manic state can be a contradiction by telling ourselves we don't need the help we know is critical. I have this battle constantly but finally making that first step has helped somewhat.
I've never had an issue with the manic stage but I think that was mainly because it signaled that I was out of the depressed state. Anything to get me out of that hole for even a few days was good with me. I didn't care what it was. After awhile I did start to notice though that the hyper episodes were getting a lot stronger. Instead of just being restless, I noticed I was getting jittery and couldn't really focus. My mind would be racing to the point of not being able to even finish a thought. It was almost like a major caffeine buzz or from drinking too many Monster drinks. I felt like Beavis having a sugar meltdown Ok, if you're not an old school B & B fan then never mind!
The new med's have taken a little of the manic edge off but just a little. I didn't want the zombie med's. I've read that most bipolar people seem to like the hyper state and I can fully relate. Its not out of control for me so I'm good with it. It has given me a new focus I guess or a realization that the old me is still here somewhere...just buried for way too long. It will also hopefully give me a new sense of strength when the crash comes again.
Unfortunately, I haven't reached the point of thinking I've found any level of control with this...just a little stronger and recharged for the next fight.
You guys don't give in to this...its such a cliche' I know but it really is about taking that first step. I swear it gets a little easier each day after that. It might feel like your only crawling forward but at least your not falling backwards. Right now thats whats working for me. Balance...
My mood has taken such a drastic change in the past month or so. It feels different from some of the swings or cycling that I had become accustomed to. I don't seem to have that dread of the crash coming. Of course, I have no idea of when that'll happen again but I'm not consumed with the foreboding sense of another storm on its way. I guess some of the fear has subsided which makes you a little stronger. This is the only way I've been able to write these posts. Even as early as 6 months ago I couldn't have even considered talking about this.
I know in my earlier post I've seemed to focus on those who haven't made that first step to getting help. This is because I'm in the early stages of that process. Again, I guess after 30 years of living in a hole, 6 months in the real world is a relatively small amount of time . I'll take each day like this I can get and build on it as best I can.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, if you find yourself in a manic state, no matter how minor, hopefully you can take that as an opportunity to focus on getting help. Don't let that overshadow your need to take that step thinking that its all good and you don't need help like you thought before. Unfortunately, you only gauge how bad you need help when you're at your lowest. This is the paradox we find ourselves in. The manic state can be a contradiction by telling ourselves we don't need the help we know is critical. I have this battle constantly but finally making that first step has helped somewhat.
I've never had an issue with the manic stage but I think that was mainly because it signaled that I was out of the depressed state. Anything to get me out of that hole for even a few days was good with me. I didn't care what it was. After awhile I did start to notice though that the hyper episodes were getting a lot stronger. Instead of just being restless, I noticed I was getting jittery and couldn't really focus. My mind would be racing to the point of not being able to even finish a thought. It was almost like a major caffeine buzz or from drinking too many Monster drinks. I felt like Beavis having a sugar meltdown Ok, if you're not an old school B & B fan then never mind!
The new med's have taken a little of the manic edge off but just a little. I didn't want the zombie med's. I've read that most bipolar people seem to like the hyper state and I can fully relate. Its not out of control for me so I'm good with it. It has given me a new focus I guess or a realization that the old me is still here somewhere...just buried for way too long. It will also hopefully give me a new sense of strength when the crash comes again.
Unfortunately, I haven't reached the point of thinking I've found any level of control with this...just a little stronger and recharged for the next fight.
You guys don't give in to this...its such a cliche' I know but it really is about taking that first step. I swear it gets a little easier each day after that. It might feel like your only crawling forward but at least your not falling backwards. Right now thats whats working for me. Balance...